


Almost

by tbk_day6



Series: Almost [1]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Almost Relationships, Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Understandings, Non-existent relationships, Slow Burn, the one that got away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 09:10:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 45,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20504483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbk_day6/pseuds/tbk_day6
Summary: You were always the almost girl.Your relationships were always an almost.You wonder why they were never brave enough to take the next step with you.You wonder why you were never brave enough to ask them to.Years after your almost relationships, you chose to attend your high school reunion and see Jae again rather than attend Brian’s wedding. Was that really the best choice you had?





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing! I just need to get this story off me. Let me know what you think. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess you shouldn’t have come.

You shouldn’t have come.

You realize that the moment you see Jae take the stage, holding his guitar with that vibrant smile he’s always had. They’re still busy setting their equipment up on the stage—Dowoon on his drums and Wonpil on his keyboard, but Jae was already whispering nonsensical words on the mic. Old habits die hard, eh? That’s how it’s always been whenever their band JaWeD! performed.

“Long time no see, guys!”

A loud cheer from the crowd ensued.

“Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!” Jae laughed. Then, Dowoon started slapping his drumsticks, counting Hana! Dul! Hana Dul Set! and that’s when it started. Jae’s and Wonpil’ voice filled the rooftop bar amidst the flashing lights and loud conversations.

You smiled to yourself. You missed that. It’s been 5 years since you last heard that after all. The bartender handed you your margarita and you sipped on it while taking in the song. You felt a nudge on your arm and you turn to see a smirk on your friend’s face.

“Whut?”

“Guess you’re still smitten.”

“Shut up, Maya. I just missed watching them play. I missed the good ol’ times of non-adulting.”

Maya shrugged and sipped on her mojito. “If you say so. Let’s go sit near the edge! The view is nice there.”

You walked towards your table at the far corner of the rooftop, giving out a few Hi’s to people you recognize. “Is she not gonna come?”

“Who? Haru?” You nodded. “I don’t know. She said she’ll try to come after whatever her excuse was. But you know things are still pretty awkward between her and Wonpil. It’s been years, I don’t understand why—“

“I SEE YOU NOW!” Jae suddenly shouted after the song ended, pointing at you and Maya. All eyes turned to you.

THIS FREAK! He always does this cos he knows you hated the attention. You glared at him but smiled and put up your drink to Jae and the crowd. “Cheers!”

“The mic’s for singing Jae! Be professional!” Maya shouted back.

Jae laughed and started playing their next song while keeping her eyes on you. You smiled at him and mouthed I HATE YOU! He just laughed and winked at you before starting his part and giving his attention back to the crowd.

“I really shouldn’t have come.” You sighed.

“What? I thought you were long over your thing with him.”

“I am, believe it or not. It’s been years, Maya. I’m not like Haru.”

“So why did you suddenly change your mind then? You weren’t as willing when I asked you last week.”

“Brian sent me an invitation to his wedding.” You finished your drink in one gulp.

“What?! When?! Who is he marrying?”

“The wedding is in three days but he’s asking for a get-together with the gang before that so they already went to Baguio. And he’s marrying his girlfriend, of course. Who else do you think?” you sounded bitter even to yourself. You called the waiter and asked for another glass of margarita.

“I don’t know. You?!” Maya answered back sarcastically. You rolled your eyes. “I don’t understand. I thought you’re also over him.”

“I don’t know, Maya. I thought so, too. I am! It just… feels weird, I guess. “

“Why does this always happen to you? Getting over non-existent relationships may be your forte."

The waiter arrived with your drink and you eagerly took a sip. Your eyes drifted back to the stage where JaWeD! was wrapping up their performance. You caught Jae staring at you and you nearly choked on your drink. He laughed as you put your glass down, coughing.

“I heard Jae’s broken up with Nala.” Maya said while patting your back a bit too hard. “Maybe there’s still a chance for your first non-existent relationship to exist.”

“Oh, shut up, Maya.” You said, still coughing.

Maya laughed. “I don’t know. I’m just saying I’ve seen these all before.”

You see Jae, Dowoon and Wonpil from your peripheral vision, making their way to your table. Jae was holding a glass of water, laughter in his eyes.


	2. Senior Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did not proofread. Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> This is the past.

“I don’t understand why we have to do this at noontime!” Maya stomped her feet while dragging two Monobloc chairs towards the field.

“The event starts at 5PM, Maya. We need time to prep ourselves as well. It’s our night afterall.” You patiently explained for the nth time, holding a stack of chair, trying not to trip on your own feet.

“Still! The juniors are the ones assigned to set the pavilion for tonight.” She pouted.

“The lower years are still having their finals. Get over it, Maya, and do it faster. You don’t wanna get sunburned today of all days.” Haru rolled her eyes and walked past them, carrying four chairs and setting them up immediately.

“Let me get that for you, babe.” Jae suddenly swooped in and took the stack of chairs you were carrying, his fingers brushing against yours.

“Thanks!” you smiled as you shouted to his back, curling your fists.

“Babe! How bout me?!” Maya whined dropping the chair next to her.

“My hands are full!” Jae laughed and winked at you.

You shook your head and turned to Maya, trying your best to kill those little butterflies that started to swarm your tummy. Thankfully, Maya didn’t notice.

“I’m here I’m here!” Dowoon came running between them and dragged the chair with is free hand. He was holding a ball of wires and whatnots. Maybe for their stage later tonight.

“Thanks guys!” Maya shouted before you walked back to your classroom. You met Wonpil on your way back, with Jae’s guitar on his shoulder, his keyboard and Dowoon’s drumsticks on his hands.

“Are you guys gonna rehearse now?” you asked.

“Yeah. Final rehearsal.” Wonpil answered. “Where’s Haru?”

“Still on the field. You know Ms. Perfect needs all this settled before 1PM. Go help her! This is your chance!” Maya laughed.

You laughed and remembered how Wonpil asked Haru out yesterday. Your exams were over so everyone just lazed around in the classroom. You, Maya, Jae and Dowoon were all part of the plan. Keep Haru distracted. Setup the instruments. Make everyone shutup. Give her the balloon. Sing. Ask her out. Very simple. Except Haru has sixth sense, the electricity was out, they couldn’t make everyone shut up, and Dowoon forgot the balloon. But Wonpil did sing. And he did ask her out. And she did say yes—much to everyone’s surprise. The look on his face was priceless, you’re sure the guys are gonna tease him for years.

You’ve seen that coming though. You’ve been secretly helping Wonpil out by giving him bits and pieces about Haru. You know it was only a matter of time before Ms. Perfect caves in. Well, that’s one success story for you.

“Babe, could you help me out?” Jae suddenly peeked on the window next to your seat.

You glared at him and whined, “We’ve just sat down, Jae.”

He held up the giant signboards for tonight’s event and gave me his best version of puppy eyes. “I need to bring this there without it getting ruined. Lend me your precious hands.” He pouted.

“If I know, you just need her to deflect your fangirls.” Maya smirked as you stood up.

“Yeah. That, too.” Jae laughed as he handed you one signboard.

You noticed a few girls from the other classroom follow you with their gazes. You’re used to this already. Ever since JaWeD! was formed, these bunch of crazy fangirls would always follow the three guys around. It was harmless but uncomfortable. That’s why they would stay with her, Maya and Haru to kind of keep them away. Well, Dowoon was never really bothered by these fangirls. Wonpil now has Haru. But Jae, the flirt, was kind of traumatized when he acted a bit too friendly to one fan who then started rumors that he liked her. That girl was bullied by the other fans to the point that she had to transfer to another school. That’s where you come in. You keep him in check – flirting has to be done in moderation, not too much to make them delusional, just enough to keep them coming to their buskings.

“I hate you.” You begrudgingly took the signboard with one hand.

“Love you.” He winked and held your hand then started walking towards the pavilion under the noontime heat of the sun.

You felt your heart stop beating for a second, butterflies started fluttering in your stomach. “It’s too hot, Jae! Your hand is sweaty.” You pulled your hand away from his and started to walk faster, dragging your feet while holding the signboard.

You heard Jae’s footsteps before you see his shadow beside you. You felt a warm shade over your head as if someone opened an umbrella. You looked up and see him towering over you, holding the signboard over your head to keep the heat away.

_Kill those butterflies._

“Better?” he asked, staring at your eyes for a tad longer than usual. Those eyes.

“Y-yeah. Thanks, babe.” You looked away as you feel the heat rush to your cheeks. You try to mask it by jokingly calling him ‘babe. You feel people staring at you and could actually hear a few squeals. Well, this is what this is for. “Walk faster.”

“Save your first and last dance for me tonight, alright?”


	3. Graduation Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I see you now.

“You done, girls?” Haru knocked on their dressing room.

“2 minutes!” Maya shouted back as she put on her earrings.

“I’ll go on ahead. I need to double check a few things on stage.”

“Sure thing, Haru. We’ll follow.” You sprayed a bit of perfume on your pulse points and smiled to yourself. This night has to be perfect. It’s your last night as seniors afterall.

“Where are my shoes?” Maya started rummaging through your things.

“You put it near the door, Maya.” You dusted imaginary dirt from your yellow gown. You specifically asked for this from your mom, a tamed down version of Belle’s gown from Beauty and the Beast. And they made it perfectly. You smiled to yourself remembering what Jae said earlier before Dowoon showed up to get the signboards from you. _What are you up to now?_

“What did you guys talked about earlier?” Maya asked while putting on her shoes.

“Who?” You looked at her through the mirror, slightly taken aback.

“Jae.”

“N-nothing.” You pretended to find things from your purse.

“Really? Cos you seem pretty shaken when you got back earlier. I just didn’t ask you cos Haru asked me for help.”

You paused, thinking if you’re ready to say it out loud. Cos that means you’re acknowledging your growing feelings. Throwing it out in the open, even if it’s just Maya, would mean that you couldn’t pretend anymore.

“You know, even if you don’t say anything, I can see it.”

You turned to her with a helpless look in your eyes and sighed. “I refuse to acknowledge.”

“But it’s not just you, Y/N. I can see something has changed in him, too. I’ve been waiting for him to make a move on you. But that coward.” She shook her head. “I’ve been rooting for you and Jae long before I realized that Wonpil and Haru were a thing.”

“You can’t be too sure. You know Jae. He never takes things seriously.” You said, suppressing the hope that Maya ignited in you.

“Yeah I know Jae. And I know that there’s something different with the way he treats you now. Even Dowoon sees it. He asked me if we should also couple up, that bastard.” Maya laughed to herself. “But seriously, Jae uses all of us before to deflect his fangirls. But it’s been months since it was just the two of you. Yes, he still calls everyone his ‘babe’ but he never held our hands or hold signboards over us to keep shade. I know you’re scared but high school is over. We’re going to different universities, taking up different courses, we don’t know when we’ll see each other again. I don’t want you to dwell on what ifs.”

“I don’t know, Maya. I see those things, too, but I don’t know if I’m just seeing too much. I don’t want to make any assumptions. Besides, even if it’s true, maybe he doesn’t want to acknowledge it as well. Cos he hasn’t really made any move.”

“Maybe he’s waiting for the right timing. What did he tell you earlier?” Maya stood up and got her ringing phone from her purse. “Yes, Haru, we’re coming.” She opened the door and gestured for you to move faster. _Haru’s purse!_ She mouthed pointing to a black purse on the sofa.

You got the purse and hurriedly turned off the lights and headed for the door. “He asked me to save him my first and last dance tonight.”

Maya put her phone back in her purse and looked at you excitedly. “See? Timing.”

Loud music has already filled the venue when you arrived. The light decorations were already turned on. A few of your classmates were already on their tables, chatting among themselves. You see Haru busily instructing one of the helpers about the food. Maya went to Haru to give her her purse which she left in the room.

“Hey.”

You turned to see a red rose upon your face. Jae was wearing his gray coat open over his black shirt, his guitar on his back.

“What’s that?” you dodged the flower to look at him directly.

“Uh, a rose?” he said, still holding it out for you.

“For?” you asked, feeling the heat rushing to your cheeks again.

“For you, silly.” He took your hand and placed the rose on your hand. “Now, you look perfect.”

“Thanks… I guess?” Jae smiled and pinched your cheek. You wonder if he could hear your heart beating loudly right now.

“Where’s mine, Jae?!” Maya shouted as she approached you. You looked down, willing your heart to calm the F down.

“Ask Dowoon, Maya.” Jae laughed.

“You’re always so biased.” Maya whined, getting the rose from you and taking a selfie with it. She then handed it back to you and pushed you and Jae together. “Okay, I’ll take your picture. You know, the calm before the storm.”

She motioned for you two to get closer but you just held up the rose near your face. Jae laughed and put his arm around you, holding you close. You smiled awkwardly as Maya took shots.

“Well, uh, I have to go now cos last minute rehearsals.”

“Go ahead. Good luck!” you blurted out.

“Aww. You look so cute together.” Maya said while looking at the pictures.

“Send me the pics, Maya.” He leaned closer to your ear and whispered “I’ll see you later, alright?”

You can’t help but smile as you looked at him as he ran towards the pavilion. You find Maya shaking her head as she looked at you disapprovingly.

“Smitten.”

“Let’s go find a seat.” You waved your rose to dismiss Maya as you headed for the tables.

“I SEE YOU NOW!” Jae suddenly shouted after finishing their first song, pointing at you. Dowoon and Wonpil just laughed before starting to play the next song.

You met his eyes as you felt everyone’s eyes turn on you. _WHAT?! _You mouthed. But he just laughed and winked as he nearly forgot that it was already his turn to sing. Haru and Maya gave you knowing looks while clapping their hands to the beat. You heard low whispers from the girls seated on nearby tables, chuckling to themselves.

“Such an attention-seeker.” Haru laughed while picking up her glass of juice.

“He just needed attention from one person though.” Maya snickered.

“Any plans after this?” you asked trying to change the topic.

Haru took the bait. “I don’t know. Wonpil wanted to go to Dowoon’s house for a little afterparty. Just us six. What do you think?”

  
“Dowoon invited us?”

“More on we invited ourselves to their house.” Maya laughed. “His parents aren’t arriving until tomorrow noon so we have the house all to ourselves.”

“Sounds good. I can’t believe we’re graduating tomorrow. I can’t believe I won’t be seeing you every day anymore.”

“Shut up. What’s social media for?” Haru put out her phone and took several pictures of them and the boys.

“Still…” you drifted off as Wonpil played the last notes of their final song. You met Jae’s eyes who may or may not have been staring at you all these time. You looked away almost immediately and sipped on your drink.

“Is it really us you’re gonna miss or…?” Maya teased.

“I’m still gonna come home every weekend. And Maya is just a 30-minute ride away from your university. It’s only those three who’s gonna be away, like really away. But they promised to come home every Christmas and summer break.” Haru leaned on your shoulder.

“How could you that?” you suddenly asked.

“What?”

“You and Wonpil. You just got together but you’re already gonna do long distance.” The DJ started setting up after the boys have gone. Soon, party music was blasted to the speakers, people started moving to the dancefloor.

“Well, it’s not like they have a choice, do they?” Maya answered, a little bit louder so they can hear over the music.

“We’re too young anyway. When I said yes to him, it didn’t mean I’m ready to risk everything with him. It means I’m acknowledging our feelings right now, I’m ready to enjoy it with him for whatever time we have left. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, then at least we tried. No what-ifs, no regrets.” Haru said matter-of-factly.

“I hate how you always sound correct.” You whined.

“But I am.” Haru laughed. Maya slapped her arm resting on the table. “I can’t say the same for you and Jae though. I see you’re both not ready. You both aren’t even willing to acknowledge and do something about your situation. Sweeping it off under your beds won’t make it disappear.”

“I don’t even know what we have.”

“That’s exactly the problem. I tried asking Dowoon and Wonpil about it, they seem to know something but they kept on saying it’s not their story to tell and that we shouldn’t meddle.” Maya started tinkering on her phone, as if she forgot something. “I forgot to send you the pics from earlier. Open your airdrop.”

You did as she told, just as you saw the boys approaching your table. Haru stood up to meet Wonpil who gave her a hug. Dowoon took the seat beside Maya, and Jae naturally slid into the seat next to you. Haru and Wonpil are now across you.

“So, how was our performance?” Dowoon asked excitedly.

“Could have been better if not for Jae’s adlibs.” You laughed as Jae pouted at you. “You’re such a drama king. You already saw where we’re seated even before you got on the stage. Now all your fangirls know our location.”

“See? I told you that was a bad idea, Jae.” Wonpil reprimanded jokingly.

“Babe, I just wanted to let you know that I see you.” Jae looked at you.

“You see everyone, Jae.” You dismissed his eyes and unlocked your phone.

“Look at those two, talking in circles. It’s so annoying. Come on, let’s dance.” Dowoon took Maya’s hand and dragged her to the dancefloor. Haru and Wonpil laughed at Maya who pulled her hand and stomped her feet while following him to the center of the floor.

“Is that the pic from earlier? Send me those too!” Jae suddenly took your phone and started tinkering to send the pics over to his phone. “You’re so ugly here. HAHA!”

“Give me that!” You annoyingly tried to take your phone back.

Jae kept it out of your reach while you try to pull his hand down. “Don’t worry, we still look perfect together.”

“I look perfect even without you.” You blew him a raspberry as you successfully got your phone.

The mood suddenly changed when a sweet mellow song suddenly started playing. Wonpil immediately stood up to take Haru’s hand, leading her to the dancefloor. You felt Jae nudge your shoulder and saw his hand held out in front of you.

“First dance?”

You didn’t say a word as you took his hand and stood up. “We’re always stuck with each other anyway.” You pulled him up and dragged him to the dance floor, to where the others were.

Jae suddenly pulled you back before reaching them, putting your hands on his shoulders, his hands circling your waist, as he slowly swayed you to the music. “Let’s stay here first.”

You were in the farthest corner of the dance floor where the lights were a bit dimmer than the center. You were the only ones dancing on this side. Slowly, you let yourself lean your head on his chest, his chin just above your right ear.

“I see you now.” You heard him whisper. You tried to pull back to look at him but he tightened his hold on you and kept on dancing softly to the music.


	4. Last Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I fold or go all in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for the last dance is Why Do I Still? by Nieman and May Angeles. Please give it a listen. It’s really good. :)

Once the song ended, the music turned lively again and the others have joined you and Jae in the corner of the dance floor. You formed your little circle where you take turns with your quirky dance moves. You catch Maya and Haru sneakily looking at you from time to time, until they couldn’t bear it and went to you.

“We’ll just take a break and get something to drink.” Haru said to the boys, as she motioned for the cocktail tables.

”I’ll get it for you. What do you want?” Wonpil asked.

“We’ll come with you. Come on, Jae.” Dowoon grabbed Jae’s arm and dragged him to Wonpil.

“Anything will do.” Maya said.

“Right. Aye aye!” Dowoon jokingly saluted Maya and went off with the boys.

“So…?” Haru prodded you as soon as the boys were out of the floor.

You pouted, “We weren’t really able to talk much.”

“Throughout the whole song?” Maya pitched a bit higher.

“’I see you now.’” you made imaginary quotation marks with your fingers as you tried your best imitation of Jae’s voice, “That was all he said. I tried to look at him and talk about it but he wouldn’t let me.”

“Ugh, he is so frustrating! You were basically hugging the whole time, I thought you’ve already crossed the line.” Maya rolled her eyes.

“The way I see it, I think he just wants to acknowledge the ‘line’ but has no intentions of crossing it whatsoever. Maybe he just wants to enjoy the last of your moments?” Haru said.

“Jae’s the complete opposite of Wonpil. I think he’s afraid of risking things at this particular time of our lives.” Maya tried to hold your hand.

“Who isn’t?” you took her hand and jokingly gave it back. “Haru’s right. Let’s just enjoy the moment as it is. I’m not ruining the night for this.” You decided to let go of all your expectations and have fun like you used to— as friends.

“We got you one of each color. We don’t know what you want.” Dowoon placed the glasses on the cocktail table. Jae and Wonpil followed.

“So, your house after this?” you asked Dowoon.

“What? Why my house again?” Dowoon whined.

“I thought everything was settled already?” Haru glared at Wonpil.

“Yeah, we were gonna tell you about that, Woon. It just slipped my mind.” Wonpil laughed.

Jae nodded and pat Dowoon’s back. “It’s alright baby boy.”

“Why am I always the last to know? I mean, it’s my house.” Dowoon’s hands were on Jae’s neck, shaking him while Jae chokingly laughed.

“Maybe if you have the initiative to invite us, we wouldn’t invite ourselves to your home.” Maya grabbed Dowoon’s arms and pulled him away from Jae, who was still laughing. She then grabbed Jae’s coat and pulled him up, “Come on, babe. Let’s dance.” The music turned slow again due to the request of some of your classmates.

Jae looked at you for a moment while being pulled by Maya, like he was asking for permission, but you just laughed and shooed them away.

“You don’t have to drag me by my coat, Maya. You’re ruining my style!” You heard Jae as they walk away from your table. Yes, this is how it should be.

Wonpil suddenly stood up and held his hand to you, “Come on. I owe a dance to my wingman.”

“Really now?” You laughed as you took his hand. Dowoon and Haru were also on their way to the floor. You were all dancing near each other now.

“I still haven’t thanked you, you know, for everything.” Wonpil said as he turned his gaze to Haru, who was trying to teach Dowoon proper dancing.

You laughed, “I did it for Haru.”

“I know.”

“What made you do it?”

Wonpil tore his gaze away from Haru and looked at you. “I don’t know. I just went with my feelings. Whatever happens next, at least I won’t have any regrets.”

“Funny how you two always say the same thing.”

“Do we?” Wonpil laughed then sighed. “He and I just have different perspectives.”

You looked at him, raising one brow. “What do you mean?”

“I’m in no position to say this, but it’s so frustrating seeing you two tread around your feelings. Jae… You know Jae. He never takes things seriously but he is a very genuine person. He only does what he wants to do, you can’t tell him otherwise. When he has to make a decision, he overthinks all possible scenarios then ends up not doing anything. I guess what I’m trying to say is, he’s scared—to risk your friendship, to commit. You know his issues.”

You fell silent as you took in Wonpil’s words._ I guess I’m not worth the risk then? _

“How about you? Are you ready for it, though?”

You looked at Wonpil and sighed, “There’s no such thing as ready. Only willing. And I can’t be the only one willing.”

“You guys should talk it out before we go our separate ways. Tie up loose ends so you can both move on the way you want to— as friends or something else, it’s all up to you. But it all starts with acknowledging the elephant in the room.”

“You and your words.” You rolled your eyes as he led you to turn around to see Jae. You felt Wonpil slightly push you to him as a new song filled the place. You’ve heard this song before but you can’t remember where.

_I'm aware of the consequence_

_I'm not ready yet to take that chance_

_ Do I fold o r go all in? _

“Last dance?” Jae took your hand and pulled you closer, staring at your eyes.

“I saved it for you afterall.” You smiled.

“You didn’t! I had to get you from Wonpil,” Jae pouted.

“But you were with Maya, babe.”

“Cos you gave me to her?” he said with sarcasm.

You laughed, “No I didn’t. You are of your own mind.”

“Nuh-uh. I asked for your permission.”

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, babe.”

_Persuade my heart to think through it again_

_ It sounds clichÈ but do you see us being more than friends? _

_Can't help myself but I'm fallin'_

“So… college, huh.” Jae started. You just looked at him and waited. “I mean, it’s all too soon, isn’t it? There’s so much more to do in high school.”

“Like what? Playing gigs at the monthly assemblies?” you mocked his frowning face.

“There’s so much more I wanted to do with you,” he paused before he added, “guys.”

“We’ve already done everything. Cut classes, sleep in class, copy each other’s homework, even cheat on quizzes.” You laughed, trying to calm your heart from beating frantically again. Hope is a deadly thing.

_ No I can't reveal how I really feel _

_ Cause I'm s cared of ruining all we've built _

_ I’ d rather play it safe _

_Than find out you don't feel the same way_

_ I don’t know what I'd do if that were real _

This song! It was the one he was humming to the other day when you were studying at the library. You asked him what it was cos the melody sounds good, he gave you one of his earphones and you listened to it together. It was nothing at first, but it got awkward when you start to take in the lyrics.

“I’m scared,” Jae sighed as he looked at Haru and Wonpil dancing somewhere behind you.

“Everyone is, Jae.”

Jae looked at you, “Are you?”

“Of course.”

_Trying my best to stop this love_

_Even then, it's against my will_

_Even after all is said and done_

_Why do I still?_

_Why do I still?_

“I wish we can face our fears together.”

“Can’t we?” you asked, feeling him pull you closer.

“We’re all going on our separate ways,” he whispered.

You snorted, “Distance is a matter of perspective.”

“I don’t want to do that to you.”

You pulled away and looked at him, “Do what? Can we just for once stop talking in circles? I can’t always read your mind, Jae.”

_I wish that I could somehow read your mind_

_ I wonder if I run through yours t he way you do in mine _

_Can't help myself but I'm fallin'_

Jae was kind of shocked by your sudden outburst. You saw his jaw tightened as he loosened his hold on your waist. “You’ve always been so brave.”

You sighed and leaned closer, “It’s just… so frustrating being on the edge.”

“I know. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to hold you,” he pulled you close again and hugged you to the music, “It’s my fault. I got too close.”

_ Words aren't easy when my eyes don't say the same _

_ Wish I could tell you just as easy a s I say your name _

_Do I fold or go all in?_

You fell silent as you felt your tears starting to pool your eyes. You blinked it away while hiding on his chest.

The song is coming to an end, when you felt Jae kiss your hair.

_I realize what's at stake but I don't know_

_How to show you how I really feel_

_Truly feel, baby_

_Is where we go set in stone_

_Is this storyline signed and sealed_

_Signed and sealed? Maybe_

_I'll keep on guessing the same question_

_And that's if I can go on_

_Without the one I want_

_Is this all even worth it?_

_I think it is I think it is_

“I can’t ask you to wait for me. That would be unfair. But if, even when we’re apart, we would still be the same, then I promise I’d go all in for you,” you heard him whisper.

You slightly pushed him and looked at him in the eyes, “I’m not your reserve.”

That’s all this is then. He’s not scared. He’s in doubt. He’s not sure of his feelings. He’s not sure of you. You felt your heart slowly breaking into pieces but you still tried to smile. You felt Jae try to rub your arm as if to console you but you pushed his hand away. “Let’s just go back, babe.”

_Even after all is said and done_

_Why do I still?_

_Why do I still?_

You smiled as you took his hand and pulled him back towards your friends.


	5. Sem Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I went straight to you.

Your first semester in college passed by in a breeze. You still message Haru and Maya every day, and go on dates every now and then. Things went back to the way they were between you and Jae before they left for college. He would still message you every now and then, sometimes he even calls, but you try to keep it all platonic.

You were buried in your book one Sunday in a coffee shop with Maya. You still have one final exam tomorrow and have to review even if you’re feeling kind of sick. You didn’t want to study at home because your cold makes you sleepy so you asked Maya to accompany you to the café. She’s already on her semestral break and has nothing to do anyway.

Your phone suddenly lit up and started vibrating. You sighed as you stared at Jae’s annoying face flashing on your phone’s screen. Maya noticed your hesitation so she took your phone and answered the call.

“Yow, babe,” she said, looking at you, “She’s studying in a café … Oh, you wanna talk to her?”

You shook your head, eyes wide in panic.

Maya laughed, “This is still her phone, but she doesn’t want to be disturbed. She asked me to keep away all distractions. … Well, you are, right now. … She can’t really talk on the phone since she’s got colds and all that. … Yes, Jae. Talking on the phone makes it worse. … No, that’s fine. She’s just taken her meds. It’s just really crucial right now cos it’s her final exam on a major subject tomorrow. … You want me to put her on the phone? … But— … alright, wait a sec.” Maya gave you the phone and shrugged. “He said you don’t have to talk. He just has something to say.”

You nervously took the phone and put it over your ear, “What is it, Jae?”

“Hey. Uh. Good luck on your exams! I know you’ll do well. Please don’t stress yourself too much. Don’t be sick cos I’m coming to see you guys in three days! Miss you! Love you!”

You heard him send you a kiss through the phone. You opened your mouth to speak but the line was already cut. You begrudgingly put your phone down and continued reading as if nothing happened. Maya stared at you curiously.

“So…?

“Same old, same old.” You said flatly, taking the cap off your highlighter and putting lines on your book.

“Seems like you really did get over your feelings for him already.”

“I don’t know. I just don’t have time for him and his indecisiveness anymore. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, can’t even think of anything else.”

“I guess you guys really did make the right decision back then.”

You put your highlighter down and closed your book. “He made the right decision for us. I couldn’t accept it before but I thank him for that now. Yes, I was brave, but now I realize that I wasn’t really ready. Yet he can’t seem to standby his decision—still calling me all the time saying and doing things he shouldn’t.”

“Like what?”

“Like always checking up on me? Worrying for me? Saying platonic ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’ like we’re still in high school? It just makes things more complicated than it already is.”

“He still makes your heart flutter.” Maya commented, smirking.

“I’m not gonna lie. He still does. But I don’t want be in that situation again.”

“Are you sure it’s still platonic? He doesn’t really message or call me or Haru unless it concerns the whole group. Doesn’t tell us ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’. So maybe it’s his way of telling you his feelings hasn’t changed? After all, that’s what he told you on our grad ball, right?”

“Then he should just quit being vague and tell me directly, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know why I’m defending him but maybe he’s scared your feelings have changed?”

“He didn’t even care to know how I felt before. How would he know what changed?”

“Has it? Changed?”

You sighed and opened your book again. “It hasn’t. I just got better in suppressing it.”

You saw your phone light up again as a text message came in.

**Going home on Wednesday. Meet me at the park @ 4?**

Wednesday afternoon. You didn’t want to be alone with him yet. So you asked Maya to go with you to meet Jae. You’re all going to Dowoon’s house at 5PM anyway.

“I’m not really happy third wheeling for you two.” Maya complained while walking to the park.

“There’s no wheel, Maya. The real wheel is Wonpil and Haru. That’s where you’re gonna third wheel if you’re not here with me.”

“Good point.”

You laughed as you approached the park’s entrance. The park was quiet since it was a weekday and a dead hour at that. The sun was still high up so it’s very humid. Good thing there were a lot of trees for shade and the wind keeps on blowing softly. You sat on one of the benches near the ice cream store.

“Is he running late?” Maya asked checking her phone. “Oh. Let me just go to the restroom real quick.”

“I’ll come with you.”

She scoffed, “There’s only one cubicle here, remember?” Maya hurriedly ran towards the toilet at the other side of the park.

You checked your phone to browse on your social media while waiting. Your hair dancing with the soft afternoon breeze.

Then you suddenly felt his arms wrap around you from the back to hold a chicken little stuffed toy on your face. You took the chicken as you tilted your face back to see him smiling at you.

“Ugh, I missed you so much.” He gave you a back hug and kissed the top of your head.

“I can’t breathe!” You squirmed away from his arms. He laughed then walked around the bench to sit beside you.

“Didn’t you miss me?” He pouted.

“Hmmm. Thanks for this.” You smiled as you held the chicken beside his face. “He looks like you!”

Jae pushed your hand away and mimicked what you said. “hE LoOks liKe yOu. How’d you even know it’s a he?”

“It’s obvious. He’s a Jae. He’s Jje.” You teased as you looked at the toy and playfully talked to it. “You look like your father, hmm? You’re such a cutie!”

“So I’m cute, too?”

“Don’t be so full of yourself.” You answered, not taking your eyes away from Jje.

He suddenly fell silent so you turned to him and caught him staring at you with a hint of a smile on his eyes.

“I really missed you.”

You cleared your throat and looked away, your heart beating that all too familiar rhythm only he could ensue. “Of course you did, babe.”

“Arrrrrgh!! I really missed you!!!” he suddenly shouted and took you in for a bear hug. Your head on his chest as he wrapped his arms on your neck, swaying you both side to side.

“WHAT THE HELL—“ you protested and tried to pull away but he was just stronger than you are.

“Guys, this is a public place!” You heard Maya’s voice approaching you.

Jae finally let you go and stood up to meet Maya and gave her a quick hug. “’Ssup, Maya dear?!”

You sat straight to comb your hair and fix your crumpled shirt.

“You owe me!” Maya pushed Jae away.

Jae laughed, “I do. Thanks.” He blew her a kiss.

“Eew, Jae. Grow up.” Maya scrunched her nose and sat beside her. “So are we leaving?”

“Yeah, let’s go. Haru texted me they’re on their way already.” You stood up and turned to Jae. “Did you meet the guys already?”

“Nah. I went straight to you,” he winked.


	6. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But at least we didn’t lose each other.

You spent almost every day of your sem break with Jae, sometimes with the whole gang, but the two of you were always together as usual. Everything was like the way it was, as if nothing has changed. And that’s what irks you—nothing has changed. But you decide to let it go and just enjoy the moments as it is. Afterall, you were friends first.

The night before they had to leave, you all agreed to sleep over at Dowoon’s house. You were on the couch playing with PS4 with Maya, while Haru and Wonpil are on the balcony. Jae and Dowoon were buying drinks and food.

“Are you really gonna shift courses next sem?” you asked Maya, eyes still glued on the TV screen.

Maya was furiously pressing buttons on her console, trying to make her car go faster. “Yeah. Better do it now when we’re just on our first year. Good thing all our minors are the same. I just have to catch up with a 2 major subjects.”

“You’re always sure of what you want.”

“I am. Things should always be black and white with me. I’ve got no time for grays,” she said, giving you a quick teasing glance.

“Don’t look at me like that,” you said as your racecar passed through the finish line. You held your arms up in victory and laughed.

“dOn’T LoOk aT mE LiKe tHaT.” Maya mocked as she threw her console on the sofa.

“Hey! Don’t hurt my babies!” Dowoon shouted as they entered the living room holding bags of chips and cans of beer. Jae put them down on the coffee table and squeezed himself between you and Maya. He took Maya’s console and leaned on your shoulder.

“Can you win against me?”

“You taught her well, Jae,” Maya stood up and took the beer to the kitchen where Dowoon was, “Let’s freeze these up first.”

“Help me cook the spam.” Dowoon asked Maya and handed her the frying pan.

You turned to Jae who was busy choosing a game, “I don’t want to play anymore.” You put your console down on the coffee table and was about to stand up when he held your hand and pulled you back down on the sofa.

“Why?” he whined, “This one’s fun.”

“I’m gonna help Maya in the kitchen.”

“Let them be. Two is already a crowd in there.” He said, still holding your hand. “Or you can just watch me play. I’ll teach you some new tricks.” He winked.

You tried to pull your hand away from his hold but he wouldn’t let you. You glared at him and pulled harder but he just tightened his grip on you. “Okay, so how am I gonna play if you have my hand?”

“I changed my mind. Let’s just stay like this and watch TV or something,” he pulled you closer and put his arm around you. He put his console down and switched the TV to some music channel.

You stilled for a moment and sighed. _2 minutes, _you tell yourself. Both of you didn’t say a word the whole time, you could hear his heartbeat through his chest and wondered if that was normal. _Could he hear mine, too?_

“Friends don’t do this, Jae,” you whispered.

“I know,” he murmured against your hair, “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” you finally admitted to him. This was the first time you said it back. He may have realized it as well ‘cos you felt him softly kiss your hair.

“I’m sorry... For keeping you like this. For being selfish and not giving you what you want.”

“How would you know what I want?” you pulled back and looked at him.

“I just know you,” he took you in his arms again and you let him.

“Maybe I’m fine with this.” _Just maybe._

“But it’s not what you deserve.”

“Do you really want to talk about this now?”

He answered you with a deep sigh. He fell silent for a while, you thought that was the end of your conversation. “I’m afraid I’m gonna lose you if we talk about it. I nearly lost you on our grad ball.”

You slumped on his chest and held your hands up so you can see it. “That time, I chose to take what you were ready to give. And believe me, that was the best decision for us back then. We’re both afraid of commitment. I know you’re trying to make the distance work, but you know I’m not good at that, and to be honest, I don’t really have time for that right now.” You felt him hold you tighter as he weighed in your words. “This short break has been fun but I don’t think we can keep on doing this.”

“You see, that’s what I cannot give you. I cannot let you go. I don’t wanna lose you.”

“But you’re not. I’m always here. WE would always be here, just like before.”

You felt him shake his head. “And for the record, I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m just too afraid of losing you.”

“You were always too afraid of the possibilities, you ended up doing nothing. We may have lost a possibility with each other but at least we didn’t lose each other.”

“Is it really a lost cause now?”

“It is.” _Unless you do something about it. _You felt yourself hope for a little. That maybe he’s ready to take the next step with you. You may have made up your mind with the rational thing to do, but you know you would jump with him if he asks you to.

He sighed and didn’t answer, he just held you tighter in silence. But in that silence, you heard the sound of your hope crumbling down, and maybe, just maybe, the sound of your breaking heart.


	7. Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s over.

Months passed and you went back to usual. Him constantly messaging you while you’re too busy with your acads you could only respond a few words to him. Sometimes he’d call you and keep you up at nights you had to review for an exam. Sometimes you won’t answer his calls but he’d send you his picture anyway.

A week into the summer break, Dowoon and Wonpil came home briefly before the start of their summer classes. Jae went on a family trip and won’t be able to come home, also because of summer classes.

You were in the same café with Maya and Haru to have an early dinner catch-up. You and Maya were both busy with your phones, waiting for the food you ordered, when Haru suddenly broke the silence, “Drinks tonight?”

You looked up at her curiously. Maya was also staring at her already.

“But you don’t drink, Haru.” You said flatly.

“There’s always a first time for everything. Besides, we’re all in college. Better have my first drink with you guys than with people I barely know.”

“There’s a really cool rooftop bar just across the street. Let’s try there!” Maya gleamed.

“Sure.” Haru shrugged.

“Where’s Wonpil, Haru?” you asked just as the waiter arrived with your food.

Haru waited for the all the food to be served before answering. “We broke up.”

“WHAT?!” You and Maya exclaimed at the same time.

Haru just shrugged and picked up her spoon and fork to start eating. “It didn’t work out. We just ended up suffocating each other. We had to end it before we ruin our friendship.”

“So who broke up with who?”

She heaved a deep sigh. “He was the one who brought it up first. But it was a mutual decision. I told you before, if it works out, it works out; if it doesn’t, then so be it.” She looked down on her food and tried to start eating.

“Why didn’t you fight for it?” You asked her. Seeing how she’s all choked up trying to stop her tears, you know she didn’t want the breakup in the first place.

“I can’t be the only one willing to fight for it,” she smiled sadly.

Maya held her hand, “You know you’ll always have us.”

The breakup somehow divided your group into boys and girls. You never hung out together as a complete group again – either Haru or Wonpil is missing. You just realized summer break was over as soon as it started.

You started your second year with more major subjects and tighter schedules, you barely get to see anyone anymore. Maya and Haru would always check up on you on your group chat but you seldom reply with more than an emoji or sticker. Jae’s messages and calls were now less frequent. Maybe he got tired of you ignoring him and taking him for granted. Maybe he’s moved on. Well, isn’t that what you asked for?

The weekend before your finals week, you were once again holed up in your room, buried in those thick accounting books. You feel so tired and suffocated you feel like crying, but you still have to study three chapters. Why the hell did you choose this course again? You sighed and slumped on your chair, taking a deep breath to calm yourself. You unconsciously reached for your phone and texted the only person who you knew can calm you down.

**Hey.**

You hit send before you change your mind and put the phone down, waiting for his reply. You nervously bit your nails, a habit you formed when you’re nervous. You get startled when you hear your phone ringing, Jae’s face flashing on the screen. You immediately answered.

“Hey babe, what’s up?” you felt relieved hearing his voice again, you felt yourself starting to calm down.

“I just… missed you.” you bravely said.

Jae laughed, “I don’t believe you. But I’ll take that. And I missed you, too.”

You didn’t know what to say after that so you kept silent.

“What is it? Is it your exams again?”

“How’d you know?” you asked, surprised he knows what you’re going through.

“You only reach out to me first when you feel like your drowning in your acads.” He chuckled. You don’t know if it’s just you or there was a hint of sadness in his voice.

“You make me look bad,” you put the phone on speaker and put it on your desk, “but I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Anyway, calm yourself down okay? I know you’ll do well.”

“Thanks, Jae.”

“Also, I may have something to tell you,” he hesitated.

“What is it?”

“I‘m not sure if this is the right time to tell you though, with your exams and all. I mean, we haven’t really talked for a long while—“

“Spill it, Jae.”

“Well… there’s this girl I’m currently dating…”

You felt your heart stop beating for a second as you barely listened to whatever he was saying. You can tell he’s also nervous by the way he’s blabbering, not noticing you’ve been keeping quiet. Dating… he’s already dating someone. That’s why he hasn’t called.

“…her name is Nala. She reminded me of you at first, that’s why I approached her. But when I got to know her, I realized she’s of her own personality. I don’t know how or when it happened but yeah. I want you guys to meet her.”

“T-that’s nice, Jae. I’m happy for you.” you tried not to choke on your words. This was what you wanted. For him to let you go. But how was it so easy for him?

“I’m glad we’re okay now.”

_Are we? It’s more like we’re over now. _“I have to go now, Jae. Thanks for calling me.”

“Of course.”

You dropped the call. You feel like you’re gonna cry if you talk to him a little more. As soon as you put your phone down, a tiny sob escaped from you. You saw Jje, the stuffed toy, on your desk and that’s when you started crying.

You called Haru, who immediately answered her phone.

“Haru,” you sobbed, “it’s over.”


	8. Best Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here comes Brian

Time passes by quickly when you’re having fun. And when you’re not. Your years in college passed by in a blur. All you remember were your time spent studying and barely passing your subjects. You kept in touch with Haru and Maya, but the boys seldom went home as they got busy with their own lives. Jae still contacts you during special occasions and you’re glad you were able to keep that friendship, no matter how hard it was. Haru and Maya can attest to that. The first few months, you had to deactivate all your social media on the pretense of focusing on your studies. You nearly flunked that final exam you were reviewing for that fateful night. But you came thru, thanks to your friends. Especially Haru – you became each other’s emotional support system. it might not be the exact same thing you went through, but you kind of understood each other.

Fast forward 3 years, you’ve already graduated and had to move to the same city the boys did for your review classes for the board exams. It’s the final stretch of your academic journey before you enter adulthood. You moved to a dorm with all your college _barkada_ (group of friends). Your hardships in college has inexplicably brought you all together and you just hope you can pass your exams together as well.

The night before the first day of your review classes, a familiar face came into your room. You knew him as Brian, that annoying classmate in 2nd year who transferred to another university. You forgot you’re now friends with his _barkada_ back then. Basically, by some sort of law which states that if A=B and B=C, then A=C or something like that, you have to be friends with him now. Or not.

Your first week was spent adjusting to your new environment and new schedules, you barely have time to hang out with your other classmates except during meals. One Friday afternoon when all of you were taking a break from studying, Sungjin suddenly proposed to have some sort of snack buyers or the designated pair to buy the snacks for the whole group for the day. And after a lot of teasing, you got paired up with Brian because you don’t really talk to each other.

“It has been scientifically proven that if you buy snacks together, you become best friends,” Sungjin said while pushing you two out of the door.

“Come on man, we’re already best friends!” Brian threw his arm around you and dragged you out of the room to the stairs.

“These childish people!” you rolled your eyes as you took his arm off you.

“You don’t have to come. Just wait for me here.”

“I’m not that kind of person. Come on now,” you started walking towards the nearby pastry shop.

“What kind?” he laughed.

“What do you think?” you snapped at him.

“wHaT dO yOu tHinK?” Brian mimicked you, scrunching his nose a little, laughter in his eyes.

“You’re so annoying,” you turned away from him and looked at that pastries displayed in the store. You picked the things you were gonna buy and waited for the soda.

You heard him sigh, “Why do you always find me annoying? I mean, we haven’t really interacted with each other but I feel like whenever you see me, your eyes would automatically roll.”

You can’t help but awkwardly laugh, kind of embarrassed by your hostile behavior that didn’t go unnoticed, “Do I?”

“Yeah. That’s why I’m actually kind of scared of you.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I admit I’m a bit prejudiced. Sorry for giving off that kind of vibe,” you got the food from the store and handed it to him. “I’ll hold this one.”

Brian took everything from your hands though and led you to walk on the safe side of the walkway. “Girls should be on the inner side.”

“Okaaay?”

“So we best friends now?”

“Best friends?” you scoffed ridiculously. You turned to him and he winked at you.

You woke up early on Sunday to attend the 9AM mass at the nearby church. It was a bit raining, but you all had umbrellas so it was not a problem. Or so you thought.

“Share your umbrella with me.” Brian suddenly grabbed your umbrella and held it over both of you.

“I’m sorry but this umbrella is for one person only.” You tried to grab your umbrella from him but he held it out of your reach, getting you all wet for a second. “HEY!”

“Please? I have no one else. They’re all coupled up.”

“Sungjin has a bigger umbrella.” You pointed at him walking in front of you.

He smirked, “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, what are best friends for?”

“Give it to me. I’ll hold it. You’re dripping on my shoulder.” You reached for your umbrella again, but to no avail. “And I don’t remember consenting to this best friend thing.”

“Men should hold the umbrella for girls. Just move closer to me.” He said, ignoring your last statement.

“How chivalrous.” You conceded and walked quietly beside him.

“See? That wasn’t so hard.” He teased.

“Shut up. And walk properly. You’re splashing water over my pants.”


	9. Thank You

You were in the study room one night, trying to finish all the handouts for the day. You had your earphones on, but you aren’t really listening to anything – it’s just to keep people away. The room was silent but the noise from outside could still be heard.

Since you were situated near the door, you saw Brian pass by, phone in hand. You tried to concentrate on your review but you couldn’t help hearing his agitated voice from across the hall. You couldn’t really understand what it was about though. You tried to tune his voice out by actually playing music through your earphone.

Just as you were getting into your readings again, you got startled when he suddenly slumped in the seat next to you, head dropping beside your handouts.

“My God, Brian!” you shrieked.

He smiled sadly, “I’m sorry.”

You wanted to ask what happened but maybe he’s not yet ready to talk about it so you just let him be. You tried to not look at him and focus on studying again.

“What are you listening to?” he asked.

“Nothing,” you shrugged, “I believe you should be asking what am I studying instead.”

He blew you a raspberry. “Boring. That’s not really a helpful distraction.” He suddenly took one of your earphones and put it on.

“Hey!” you protested but still let him be. Maroon 5’s Beautiful Goodbye was then playing.

“Apt,” he commented and leaned back on his chair. You didn’t respond and pretended to continue with what you’re studying with, all those time aware of how many times he sighed. He acted like he wanted to tell you something but you didn’t want to be presumptuous, so you just waited for him to do what he wanted.

When the song ended, he heaved another deep sigh and said, “We broke up.”

You were speechless as you turned to look at him, he just smiled sadly. You put your handouts down and gave him your full attention. You knew his girlfriend. She was pretty. Too pretty even. Your friends would always tease him, asking how he got himself a girl that’s too pretty for him, and he would always laugh with your jokes. But you knew, he could be all kinds of annoying but he’s very sincere when it comes to his girlfriend. He was a gentleman, at least that much you can admit about him.

“I’m listening,” you say, not really knowing what to do in these kinds of situation like the awkward person that you are.

He shook his head, “There’s nothing to say. She wanted to end it. Said she couldn’t deal with the distance anymore. How do I contest that? I can’t choose her over my future. Yet.”

You remained silent for a second. “It’s just a few more months. Know your priorities now, everything else will follow when the time is right.”

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, “I hope so.”

“Hey, Brian. I just got your text,” Sungjin suddenly peaked on the door, holding up a pack of beers.

You shook your head disapprovingly at Sungjin, “Really? On a Monday night?”

“I’m not the one who needs it,” Sungjin shrugged his shoulders and ran off to their room.

“Don’t worry,” Brian put your earphone back to your ear as he stood up, “we can handle our alcohol. Thanks… for… you know.” He smiled as he ruffled your hair before leaving the room.

The next few days, you realize you’ve been spending more time with Brian than the usual. During meals or break times or study hours, you would always find yourselves seated together, sharing food or whatever. Even when you were just walking to and from the review center, you would be walking next to each other with or without an umbrella. The group dynamics has quickly shifted to automatically couple you up.

“Didn’t he just come from a breakup?” Lia, one of your friends outside the group, asked one time when you were hanging out in their room.

You curiously turned to her, “Who?”

“Brian.”

“Oh. Yeah. Why?” you answered nonchalantly.

“I see you guys have been spending more time with each other these days.”

“We’re in the same group of friends.”

“You don’t really spend that much time with Sungjin though.”

“There’s nothing between us, Lia.”

“I’m just saying. You don’t deserve to be a rebound. And Brian’s rebound at that,” she scoffed.

You understand what she’s saying but you’re confident there’s nothing between you and Brian. You turned to her as she looked at you disappointedly. “You have nothing to worry about, Lia.” 

If your prejudices about Brian before has long been disproved, Lia’s still hasn’t. For her, Brian is still that annoying, too-full-of-himself, good-for-nothing guy from college. And it’s not your job to prove them wrong. That’s none of your business.

“Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be leaving already?”

“I am. I’m just waiting for Maya’s text.” Maya’s already working in the same side of the town and you decided to meet up since you haven’t really seen each other for a long time. You were also gonna get tickets to see your favorite band in two months. Today will be the first time you’re roaming around the city on your own cos you were meeting halfway.

**I’m on my way.** Your phone pinged with Maya’s message.

“Okay, I’m off.” You said goodbye to Lia as you went out of their room.

“I’ve missed you!” Maya shrieked as soon as she saw you standing outside the coffee shop you were supposed to meet in.

“Calm down, girl!” you laughed as you hugged her.

“Oh, how I wish Haru is here too.”

“We’ll see each other in two months,” you reminded her of the concert, “as long as we get tickets.”

“Yeah, about that, I found this seller online. She seems pretty legit to me and she’s selling at a reasonable price. But we have to meet her up near her house which is like an hour away from here.”

“What?! Is this really our best choice?”

Maya nodded, “But let me order first. I’m so parched.”

“I have to make it back before our curfew at 10.”

“Sure. We have lots of time. It’s only 3PM.” Maya said confidently.

The trip going there was easy, you never thought the traffic going back would be terrible. You were already on your way back by 6PM but what should have been an hour long trip almost tripled. It’s already 8:30PM and you’re only almost halfway back. You’ve already split up with Maya cos she had to go directly to work, now you have to take the train alone and walk back to your dorm – something you’ve never done before and you don’t feel safe trying tonight.

It’s already 9:30PM as the train approached your destination. So you texted Lia to wait for you by the gate to make sure you won’t get locked up.

**Lia, I need a favor. Please wait for me by the gate so they won’t lock me out.**

**Where are you?**

**I’m getting off the train.**

**I’ll ask Brian to get you. He’s not studying anyway.**

**No need. Just keep the gates open. Thanks!**

You kept your phone in your pocket and started walking fast as you got off the train station. It has also started drizzling and you didn’t have an umbrella. You kept your eyes down so as not to attract any bad guys’ attention, heart beating fast as you try to walk where the streetlights were on.

“Hey!” you heard someone behind you.

You walked even faster, scared for your life. You started reciting a prayer in your head, willing the bad guys to go away. A hand suddenly grabbed your right arm and you nearly screamed before seeing Brian’s playful face smirking at you while holding an umbrella on his other hand.

“What are you doing here?!” You screamed at him in annoyance, but you honestly felt relieved he was there.

“I told you to wait for me outside the station. And why are you not answering your phone?” his voice was also annoyed.

“I kept my phone inside my bag before I got out.” You sighed and continued walking. “You shouldn’t have come.”

“It’s dangerous for a girl like you to be out at this time.” He tried to get your bag and hold it for you, but you refused.

“I told Lia I just need the gates to be kept open.” You stubbornly stomped your feet, keeping your bag away from him.

“That’s why you were walking faster than a gazelle, huh?” Brian smirked, “Good thing I recognized that chicken hanging on your bag when you were rushing out. Or else I might have been waiting in the cold where I don’t know what danger awaits me.” He playfully shivered as if in fear.

You scoffed, “You’re too dramatic.” You unconsciously touched your Jje plush doll hanging from your bag.

“Don’t I deserve a treat?” He turned to you and gave you his best version of puppy dog eyes.

“For what? Are you a dog?”

“For being the best best friend ever.” He nudged your shoulder with a wide grin on his face.

“I should have known. What do you want?” you sighed and gave in.

His eyes turned bigger than usual as he laughed, “Really? Didn’t know you were easy.”

“Only because I’ve inconvenienced you tonight. Quick. Before I change my mind.”

“But all the stores are closed already,” he pouted, “well, you owe me one. I’ll come for it next time so you always have to be prepared.”

“Would a simple ‘thank you’ from your best friend not suffice?” you put on a fake smile and tried to act cute.

He laughed, “You wish.”


	10. Explode

Two months passed by quickly, you got even closer to Brian. It felt similar to your situation with Jae before but still different because this time, you yourself cannot accept your growing feelings.

Lia’s warnings would always resonate in your head whenever you get too close. “He’s not good for you. You can’t be serious.”

Still, you cannot seem to get him out of your system anymore.

“Come here. Hold onto me.” Brian held your hand as you navigate through the sea of people during the feast of the patron saint in the church you go to. There were a lot more people than usual, you cannot count how many times you have been bumped into by random strangers and you’re starting to feel nauseous. You blindly followed as he led you to an open space, “Let’s get you some air.”

“I’m fine,” you croaked, wiping the sweat off your face as you sat on a big stone on the sidewalk.

Brian laughed, “Yeah, right. I’ll just get you water.”

You pulled his hand back, “I’m fine. Just don’t leave. I might lose you in this crowd. My phone’s dead and I don’t know where the others are.”

Brian hesitated, but in the end he sat beside you. “Let’s stay here for a few minutes then.” He pulled out his phone and scoffed, “No signal. I can’t reach them.”

You pulled out a piece of flyer lying on the street and tried to fan yourself.

“Are you okay? I think we should go on ahead. I’m sure they can take care of themselves.” Brian suggested.

You contemplated for a few seconds then slowly nodded. “Let’s.”

“Or do you wanna grab something to eat first? You look like you’re gonna pass out.” Brian stood up and dusted his pants as he looked at you, worry etched on his forehead.

“I’ll be fine.” You stood up and started walking towards the bus stop when you suddenly felt Brian hold your hand as he walked beside you. You looked at your intertwined hands, startled.

He held your hand tighter and looked at you, smiling, “So I won’t lose you?”

You were about to pull your hand back when he suddenly started running towards the bus stop. The bus has arrived already and was already a bit crowded but you were able to find a seat at the back. He didn’t let go of your hand even when you were already seated. You sighed and decided to let it go just for today. Holding his hand felt nice afterall.

The rush hour has already made the traffic worse so your ride was taking longer than usual. You were blankly staring at the window with your earphones on when you felt his head drop on your shoulder. You held your breath as you looked down on his sleeping face, you felt your heart bursting out of your chest. His hold on your hand has already loosened up so you tried to put a bit of space between you. But he suddenly tightened his hold again when he felt you starting to pull away.

“Brian.” You whispered with a warning.

You felt him smile on your shoulder but he didn’t answer. You sighed, heart still beating loud. You felt like you can hear your heartbeat even through your earphones so you took one off and put it on his ear, scared he might hear what he shouldn’t.

The concert you were going to with Maya and Haru is next week already and you still don’t know how to go to the venue on your own. Maya suggested you contact Jae and ask for help since it was his turf, but your pride is stopping you.

“But you’re over him already, aren’t you? Didn’t you go back to the way you were before?” Maya whined over the phone.

“Of course I am. Still, it’s a bit awkward to ask for this after a long time not contacting each other. Can’t you just pick me up? Please?”

“You’re overthinking it. I can’t really wait for you on Saturday coz I get off work at 5. We’ll both be late if I pick you up. Besides, Haru is arriving early. You have to meet her.”

You sighed in defeat. “Fine. I’ll text him.”

“Good girl. Now I have to go cos break is over.” You couldn’t even respond because Maya has already dropped the call.

You scrolled to Jae’s number and stared. _What should I say? _You tried to draft a couple of messages but ended up deleting all of them. In the end, you just texted him:

**Jae?**

You stared at your phone as you waited for a response. It came almost immediately.

**Hey. Wassup?**

**Are you busy?**

**Not really. Why?**

**Can I ask you for a favor?**

Your phone started ringing—Jae’s calling you. Your heart starts beating an all too familiar rhythm as you picked his call up.

“Hey..”

“What’s wrong?” Jae asked. He sounded worried.

You laughed nervously, “Nothing.”

“What do you need then?” Jae laughed.

His laugh calmed you down just like the old times. “So the thing is… Maya, Haru and I are watching a concert on Saturday. I’m supposed to meet Haru before the concert because Maya still has work but I don’t know how to go to the venue. It’s in Galaxy Arena and I don’t really know how to get there from my place. Maya told me you live around that area—“

“Do you want me to pick you up?”

“NO!” You said a little too loudly, “I mean, you can just give me directions for the commute. I don’t wanna bother you.”

“Come on, Y/N. You were never a bother to me. Let me pick you up. What time do you have to go there?”

“Around 12-ish? You can just meet me somewhere near the train station. I know how to ride the train.”

You felt him ponder things for a while. “Okay, let’s do that. I’ll just meet you at Station 29.”

“Sure. Thanks! I’ll treat you lunch.”

Jae scoffed, “Really now?”

“The cheapest possible.”

Jae laughed. “Yeah, sure. Uh, the thing is I have to meet with Nala at around 2 cos it’s her birthday so I can’t accompany you for long. What time are you meeting Haru?”

“Oh,” you blinked, “I’m still not sure about Haru but she should be there after lunch so it’s fine.” _Of course there’s still Nala._

“Cool. So see you then?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Jae.”

“Anytime.”

Your mood was down during the rest of the day so you just focused on studying. You were in the study room with your earphones on—a clear sign of wanting to be alone.

You were too absorbed in your readings when suddenly the earphones were pulled from your ears. You looked up to see Brian’s annoying’s face holding the wires up. You glared at him and grabbed your earphones from his hands.

“What the hell, Brian?”

“I’ve been calling you but you couldn’t hear me. Let’s go grab some food. I’m hungry.”

You turned away from him and put the earphones back and went back to reading. “I’m not hungry.”

“But I am! Come on, I’ll treat you to milk tea.”

You ignored him and continued with your readings.

“Come on, I know you can hear me. You’re not playing anything.” He said holding your phone where the earphones are connected.

You grabbed your phone from him, “Go away, Brian. I’m not in the mood.”

“But why?!” he whined. He started nudging your shoulder while you were highlighting something on your paper, smudging it.

“Hey!” you shouted at him.

“I’m sorry.” He scratched his neck apologetically. “I’ll just give you my handouts. But after eating. Come on.” He pulled your arm playfully.

“Could you just, for once, stop bothering me?!” you exploded.

Brian looked at you, a bit shocked. You saw his face fell as he slowly put his hands up and backed away. ”Okay. I’m sorry.”

You immediately felt guilty as you watched him walk out of the door. But you have no time for this. A lot of things are bothering you and your feelings, this may be what’s best for the meantime. You felt frustrated as you picked your things up and went back to your room. 


	11. Bother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were never a bother to me.

After what happened that night, Brian really did stop bothering you. He ignored your attempts to talk to him, it was as if you didn’t exist. And this bothered you more than when he was actually bothering you. Maybe you were way out of line and you know you owe him an apology. But your pride was too high it wouldn’t allow you to, so you ignored him too.

“Are you and Brian fighting?” Sungjin asked while you were all having dinner, seated on the farthest opposites of the table unlike before, when you’d always be seated together sharing food.

You looked up to see all eyes on you, except Brian who just continued eating as if he heard nothing. Like a deer caught in the headlights. You just shook your head and scoffed, “No.” From your peripheral vision, you saw him smirk. Annoyed, you reached for your glass of water and gulped it down.

“Really? Cos it’s really cold here.” Sungjin teased further. Kyle and Jamie laughed.

You just shrugged, refusing to prolong this topic.

“Just eat, Sungjin.” Brian muttered.

“Right. I’m done.” Sungjin said as he finished his food. He stood up to return his tray to the counter. Brian immediately followed him, leaving you with your other friends.

“Are you really fighting?” Jamie asked you as soon as the boys were out of earshot.

“I don’t have a problem with him. Maybe he has a problem with me.” You looked at Brian and Sungjin heading out of the cafeteria without glancing back at you.

“Oooh. Is this your first LQ?” Jamie teased, raising an eyebrow. Mina and Kyle laughed.

“Is there even an L?” Kyle smirked.

You glared at them as you stood up, “Whatever floats your boat, guys.” They all stood up and followed you to return the food trays.

“Brian could be really sensitive at times.” Mina commented.

“I don’t really care, Min.” You said, irritated.

“Don’t worry. He’ll come to his senses soon.”

“I heard he and Sungjin would be going home next week for the pre-board break.” Kyle said.

“Really? Isn’t that a bit risky? I could barely contain my nerves for the coming exams.” Jamie asked. You felt thankful that the topic has shifted away from you.

You just stayed silent as walked back to your dorm. _He’s going home, huh?_

Brian continued ignoring you for the next days, and it’s honestly already weighing you down. You miss him. But you’re never gonna admit that to anyone, ever. Besides, your upcoming meetup with Jae has been bothering you as well. Brian and Sungjin are also leaving on Saturday so you know you won’t be seeing them off.

Friday night, you were all hanging out on the boys’ room for a movie night after a long time. Sungjin was setting up his laptop and speakers for the movie. Brian and Mina were buying the drinks and snacks. You are seated on Kyle’s bed with Jamie, pretending everything was normal. But it’s not really normal, cos you are usually in Brian’s bed.

“Why are you here?” Kyle asked.

“What?” you pretended to not understand as you played on his Nintendo Switch. You’re actually nervous to be in the same room as Brian again.

“This is not your place!” Jamie playfully pushed you away.

“Come on guys. The view’s better here.”

“That never bothered you before.” Kyle took the game console away from you and put it on Brian’s bed.

“Hey! Why are you all so mean to me?” you whined.

“You’re scared of Bri now, huh?” Sungjin laughed.

You made a face at Sungjin as you stood up and marched towards Brian’s bed. “Of course not.” Kyle and Jamie clapped their hands as you sat on his bed bravely. You laughed but you were actually really nervous. You picked up the Switch again and started playing.

“What’s taking them so long? Let’s start the movie already.” Kyle stood up to play the movie.

As if on cue, the door opened and Brian and Mina entered. You refused to look at them and pretended to be immersed with your game.

“Hey. Why are you starting without us?” Brian paused the movie as he dropped the drinks in front of the laptop. Mina did the same before she sat beside Sungjin.

“We were just watching the trailers!” Kyle laughed as he took one of the chips and opened it.

You felt Brian’s eyes on you as he approached his bed and sat opposite you. Sungjin has turned off the lights already to start the movie but you kept your eyes on your console, senselessly tapping the buttons even when the game was already over. They don’t know that anyway. You felt like dying of nervousness feeling his eyes on you.

You heard him sigh before he suddenly closed the space between you and pulled the console out of your hand to force you to look at him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

You did not understand why you started tearing up the moment you looked at him. You tried to stop them from falling but a sob escaped you instead. “I hate you.”

Surprised by your tears, Brian suddenly hugged you. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He wooed you like a child. Hearing him apologize made you cry harder on his shoulders. _He’s not even at fault. Why is he apologizing?_

“Soooo, we’re just gonna go out first.” Sungjin awkwardly paused the movie and led everyone out of the room.

“Let’s setup on our room instead,” you heard Jamie offer. You refused to look at them, embarrassed to cry in front of them. You’ve never cried in a long time. Never in front of anyone. Never on anyone’s shoulder. If this surprised them, it surprised you the most.

You heard the door close as your friends left you. Brian continued soothing your back as he whispered his apologies on your ear.

“You’re so annoying,” you pulled away after you’ve calmed down, wiping your tears with your shirtsleeve.

He laughed as he helped you wipe your tears, “I missed you. So much.”

You looked down cos you cannot hold his stare. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. I thought I can wait for you to apologize first, but you’re so coldhearted. I’m already leaving tomorrow and you’re not even bothered. I can’t bear leaving us like that.” He complained exasperatedly.

You sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Come here, let me hug you some more.” He stretched out his arms to pull you in again but you dodged and glared at him.

“It’s movie night, Bri. They’re waiting for us.”

“Nah. I bet they’re wishing for us not to follow them there and make things even more awkward.” He laughed as he tried to hug you again. This time, you let him.

“Was I really that bothersome?” he whispered softly. It felt like he was scared to hear your answer.

“You were never a bother to me.”


	12. Mine

You spent the whole night talking about random things, lying beside each other but not really touching anymore. There’s this thin line between you that both of you were conscious of not crossing. Your hands are against each other, barely touching but you can extremely feel his warmth. The tension is palpable but you both refused to acknowledge it, both content and scared to ask for more.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” Brian softly asked.

“Before lunch? I promised Jae I’d treat him to lunch.”

“Who’s Jae? And why are you treating him to lunch?”

“An old friend,” you realized you’ve never told him about Jae and wondered if you should.

Brian kept silent, as if waiting for you to tell him more.

“He was my… high school best guy friend? I guess?”

“Was?” he asked.

You didn’t answer him. You don’t really know how to explain it to him, especially since you were kind of in the same situation right now. You might give away your feelings if you tell him more about Jae.

“Oh I know. ‘Cause I’m your new best friend, right?” Brian teased as he nudged your shoulder but you just rolled your eyes.“So why are you meeting him if you’re no longer friends?”

“We’re still friends, Bri.” You paused thinking of what to say next. “He’s accompanying me to the venue cos I don’t know how to go there on my own.”

“You could have told me. I would have moved my flight to join you.”

You laughed dismissively, “We’re both noobs here, Bri. Jae has lived around that area all through college.”

“Still…” he hesitated. He suddenly turned his body to face you, “Tell me what happened.”

“Why are you suddenly so nosy?”

“Come on. I tell you everything.”

“I never asked you to,” you chuckled.

Brian pouted as he laid back down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “You’re so unfair.”

You kept silent for a few minutes before heaving a deep sigh. You suddenly celt like telling him everything. “Jae was… he was my almost.”

He turned to you again but didn’t say a word as he waited for you to continue.

“That’s it.” You laughed at his face fell in disappointment. “We were really close in high school, and we just… you know. Ugh Bri. I don’t really know how to tell this story without cringing.”

“You fell for each other?” he asked seriously.

“I--,” you hesitated but eventually gave in. You turned to him and caught his eyes. “We were both afraid to cross the line. In the end, we still lost each other.”

Brian nodded then kept quiet after. You didn’t know how long you spent just facing each other, looking at each other’s eyes, before you fell asleep.

You woke up to Brian’s sleeping face, in Brian’s arms. You pulled away, surprised, as you looked around the room. No one else was there. It seemed like they slept over at the girl’s room. But who knows if anyone walked in on them last night. You checked your phone’s clock—it’s only 8AM. Your heart was beating fast as you slowly stood up and walked out of the room without making a sound.

Everyone was still asleep when you entered your room. You tiptoed to your closet to get clothes then headed to the bathroom to take a shower. As the cold water flowed down your body, your thoughts went back to last night. How the hell did you end up in his arms? You wonder what he thought of your relationship with Jae. Why did he not say anything after what you said?

You shook the thought away as you finished dressing up. You went out of the bathroom to see the Jamie and Mina already fixing the beddings. Sungjin and Kyle has already left.

“Good morning,” you croaked, suddenly feeling awkward.

“’Morning,” the two answered in unison as they both pretended to busy themselves with the mess from last night.

You cleared your throat as you fixed your things on your bag for the day.

“I’ll go shower,” Mina stood up and picked her towel up before heading to the bathroom.

Just then, a knock on the door startled you and Jamie.

“It’s open!” Jamie shouted, too lazy to get off her bed. You were about to stand up when the door opened and Brian’s head peaked in, your phone ringing in his hand. He held your phone up letting you see the caller. It was Jae.

You hurriedly took your phone from him and answered Jae’s call. Brian went inside your room and sat on your bed while you were still standing near the kitchen.

“Hello?”

“I’m just checking if you’re already up.” Jae’s husky, sleepy voice resounded to your ear.

“Good morning, Jae.” Your eyes suddenly met Brian’s, who was quietly looking at you and listening to your conversation. Jamie seems to be sleeping again.

“So what time are you leaving your dorm?”

You glanced at your watch, “Maybe 10? Is that too late?”

“Nah, it’s fine babe. That way we could hang out a little longer. I missed hanging out with you. It’s been years!”

“Yeah,” you chuckled nervously, the word babe running through your head. It still has the same effect on you. Or was it because Brian was right in front of you?

“Just hit me up when you’re already near, okay? I’ll sleep for a few more minutes.”

“Thanks Jae. You’re the best.” You smiled as you dropped the call. You walked towards your bed and sat beside Brian.

“He’s the best, huh?” he croaked, pointedly looking at your Jje plushie hanging on your bag.

“Good morning, Bri.” You rolled your eyes at him as you fixed your things again.

“You weren’t there when I woke up,” he pouted, lying down on your bed, hugging one of your pillows. “So that was from him?”

You didn’t understand at first but when you saw him still looking at Jje, you got it. “Really? First thing in the morning?”

Brian buried his face on your pillow and murmured, “Fine.”

“Go back to sleep, Bri. It’s still early for your flight.”

“I wanted to see you before I leave.”

You paused and looked at him seriously, “Because?”

Brian hesitated for a bit before sighing, “It’s too early for this talk, I guess. Let’s have breakfast?” He stood up, taking your hand and pulling you up.

“You’re clearly still sleepy, Brian.”

“I just need coffee.”

“Your treat.”

You felt his hold on your hand tighten as he nodded, “Mine.”


	13. Not Again

** I’m on the train. Two stations away. **

**I’m already here at the station.** Your phone pinged immediately as Jae replied.

You stood up from your seat and went near the door. Good thing the train isn’t crowded during this time. You put your phone back to your bag as you got ready to go out. Upon getting out of the train, you immediately saw Jae standing outside near the turnstiles.

“Jae!” you called, tapping your ticket on the machine as you get out.

Jae turned to you, a big smile on his face. He immediately stretched out his arms to give you a big hug. You fell into his arms so naturally, just like the old times. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” You murmured against his chest, your heart beating erratically. You pulled away to calm yourself, but his handsome face staring down at you is of no help.

“It’s been so long.”

You smiled and nodded.

“Let’s go?” Jae took your hand as you walked out of the station. You helplessly looked at his back as he pulled you. _How can he still do this so naturally?_

“So, how have you been?” you asked as soon as you were in the bus on your way to the concert venue.

“Well, you know, I started working at this company and so far so good. Nothing much to say about that. But you… I’m so proud of you.”

“For what?”

“For surviving your course. And taking it further.”

“Thanks, I guess? But I still have to pass the boards.”

“I know you’ll do well,” he smiled.

“How’s Nala?” You forced yourself to ask, staring out the window.

Jae paused. You felt him hesitating but he still answered, “Good. We’re good. You haven’t really met her, have you?”

“Just saw your pictures on Facebook.”

“I’ll introduce you two properly later.”

“Yeah. I have to know what made him endure you for so long,” you laughed.

“Foul! You know I’m the best guy out there.” Jae nudged your shoulder.

“I know?” you scoffed.

“But you let me go,” he laughed humorlessly.

You looked at him, speechless, but he kept his gaze forward. Is he really gonna talk about this now? “I let you go?”

“You said I was never gonna lose you but that’s what happened.”

“You let me go, Jae. You were never brave enough to hold me.” You feel your frustrations surfacing as he still refused to look at you.

“I guess I never was.” You felt his sadness through his voice.

You looked away and turned to the window again, tears welling up your eyes. You definitely did not see this conversation coming. “All the more reason for me to meet her and see what made you toughen up.”

Jae clenched his jaw as he turned to you. “It’s not like that.”

“What is it then? What made you take the leap with her but not with me?” A tear fell as you looked at him. As if on cue, your phone started ringing. It was Haru. You wiped your tears away as you took a deep breath to calm yourself before answering her call.

“Haru? Yes, I’m on my way… You’re already there? Why are you so early? Okay… We’ll come to you, just wait for us for a few more minutes.” You ended the call and looked at Jae again. He was still looking at you as if he has something to say.

“This conversation is long overdue, Jae. There’s no point talking about it now. Let’s just forget about it, alright?”

“I guess you’re right,” Jae sighed, “We can’t be doing this again. I’m sorry.”

You didn’t answer and stared back at the window, willing the bus to go faster. Your phone suddenly vibrated with several text messages from Brian.

**We have already boarded. **

**I’ll miss you!**

** Don’t get too  close to that Jae person! He’s no longer your best friend! **

**Enjoy your concert!**

“Haru!” You squealed upon seeing Haru outside the restaurant. You ran towards her and gave her a tight hug. “I missed you!”

She laughed, “You’re overreacting. We saw each other a few months ago. Hey, Jae!”

“Long time no see, Haru girl.” Jae was trailing you from behind.

“Let’s enter first? I’m starving,” Haru opened the door and went inside.

You sat on the seat in front of Haru while Jae sat beside you. You were still kind of shaken from your conversation on the bus and it seemed like he is, too. You picked up the menu and browsed through their bestsellers. “What do you want? My treat.”

“Woah. That’s new.” Haru exclaimed, suddenly picking up the menu herself.

“She owes me lunch.” Jae turned to you. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

You called for the waiter and ordered your food. While waiting, Jae excused himself to make a call.

“So, what’s up?” Haru asked.

“Same old, same old.” You shrugged, scrolling through your phone.

“Why do both of you seem tense?”

“We haven’t really seen each other for a long time. You can’t expect us to be all chummy.”

“Your eyes kind of look puffy. Did you cry?” _Haru. Always the detective._

“Is it?” You looked at your eyes on your phone’s front camera.

“Did you?”

“I don’t know why I’m overly dramatic these days.” You put your phone down and stared at Haru.

“So you did? When? What did Jae do this time?”

“It’s not always Jae, you know.” You rolled your eyes at her.

“What do you mean? Someone else has made you cry?”

You mentally berated yourself as you realized your mistake. _Okay. I guess I have no choice but to tell her._ “Well, there’s this guy I’ve been really close to these past few months, and we had like some sort of a fight so he was ignoring me for like a whole week. I mean, it was really my fault but he apologized to me last night before he left today. And I don’t know why, but I just started crying when all he said was sorry. Then suddenly Jae is bringing up things that shouldn’t really be brought up—“

“Woah woah woah. Slow down, madamme,” Haru held her hands up to stop you from blurting more. “Can I get his name first? It’s hard to keep track of your story.”

“Brian.”

“And he is your…?”

You paused and hesitated. What are you? “F-friend?”

Haru slammed her hand on the table, “Not again, Y/N.” She leaned back on her chair, exasperated. “Going through all that for a ‘friend’? You never cried for a ‘friend’.”

_Ah Haru. Always slapping you with the truth._ “I wonder why myself.”

“Is this a Jae 2.0 situation?” Haru asked softly.

“What is it with me that scares them so much?” you smiled to yourself, “I guess I’d always be the girl you keep in the friend zone.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe you’re the one keeping them on the friend zone?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you always have those high walls around you—layers and layers of them. Someone who wanted to be with you could have given his all breaking down the first wall not knowing there are a lot more inside.”

You didn’t know how to respond to what she said. Sudden realizations came pouring into you. You heard the door open, your back was to the door so you couldn’t see who it was but you have a feeling it’s Jae, since Haru was looking behind you.

“Sometimes, it’s good to let your guards down,” Haru whispered.

“What are you two all serious about?” Jae slumped himself on his seat beside you.

“None of your business, my friend.” Haru answered as the waiter arrived with the food you ordered. “Thank God, I’m so hungry.”


	14. Closure

Lunch was done almost too quickly. When you asked the waiter for the bill, he awkwardly looked at Jae before politely nodding and turning away.

“What did you do?” You asked Jae who was casually leaning on his chair, unbothered.

“Come on. I can’t let you pay.”

Haru laughed, “Thanks, Jae.”

“But I told you it’s my treat.” You scowled at him.

“Next time, babe.” He playfully ruffled your hair. His phone suddenly rang and you peeked at the caller. “I’ll just get this,” he says as he headed out of the restaurant.

“You can treat me to dinner after the concert?” Haru teased.

“Offer expired at lunch, Haru.” You put your wallet back in your bag. Jae has disappeared from your line of sight.

“Not fair,” Haru stood up, “Let’s go?”

You followed her out of the restaurant and immediately saw Jae heading back with a girl you’ve only heard of and saw on the internet. She didn’t seem real before but now, she’s actually in front of you. You plastered a smile on your face as you felt Haru hold your arm.

“Guys, meet Nala.” Jae said as they approached you. “Nala, this is Y/N and Haru. My bestfriends from high school.”

Nala was smiling all throughout the introduction. “Hi! Nice to meet you.” She held out her hand which Haru took first.

“We’ve heard so much about you,” Haru says.

You nodded as you held out your hand as well, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Funny how Jae here has never really mentioned you guys until today. Always so secretive.” You saw her hold Jae’s hands possessively as if staking her claim on him.

“Didn’t I? I’m sure they’ve come up in conversation somewhere,” Jae guiltily rubbed his nape.

“It’s your birthday, isn’t it? Happy birthday!” You say, trying to divert the topic.

“Happy birthday!” Haru greeted, too enthusiastically it seemed fake.

“Thanks! I’d love to spend more time with you, guys, but we have a movie to catch,” she said apologetically, glancing at her watch.

“We can still spare a few more minutes, Nala,” Jae says, looking at you.

“We have to get going too, Jae. You know, pre-concert rituals.” Haru replied for you.

“Yeah, you two can get going. Thanks a lot for today, Jae.” You looked at Jae and smiled.

Jae nodded and returned your smile, “Let’s do this again soon, okay? Keep in touch.”

“Bye.” You waved at them before Haru dragged you to the opposite way.

“I don’t like her,” she whispered as soon as you turned. You didn’t reply.

As soon as the concert ended, you checked-in to a hotel nearby to spend the night together. Maya brought a bottle of tequila for this night but you were all too tired to finish everything. After 3 shots each, Haru was already lying face down on the bed, snoring lightly. Maya was beside her, also heavily asleep. You laughed to yourself as you picked up your phone tipsily. You have 3 missed calls from Brian and a text message from Jae sent an hour ago.

**Can we meet again? I still miss you.**

You sighed as you went out to the balcony to get some fresh air. You weren’t sure if it was the alcohol messing with your brain, but you dialed Jae’s number. It’s already 2 in the morning but he still picked up right away.

You heard him clear his throat before answering, “Hey.”

“What do you want, Jae?” you slurred, “Why are you messing with me again after all these years?”

“I miss you. I still miss you.” He choked.

You didn’t know what to say so you didn’t answer him. You missed him too but saying that out loud would make things more complicated. Besides, Brian…

“Y/N, can you… can we—“

“What about Nala?” you cut him off.

He didn’t answer.

You sighed in frustration. “What is it you’re really trying to do, Jae?”

“Nala and I… We…”

“Look, Jae. Whatever’s going on between you and Nala is really none of my business. And you can’t just drag me into this. Not again.”

“I’m sorry. I guess seeing you again today made me think about a lot of things.” Jae whispered.

“We did leave a lot of loose ends,” you agreed.

“You left me with a lot of loose ends I had no choice but to cut them myself. Sloppily at that.”

“I—“

“You cut me off back then. And I tried…” his voice quivered a bit, “You know I tried… to make it work for us. But in the end, you still let me go.”

“You made it work for you, Jae. You just went on ahead and did what’s convenient for you. You never asked me what I wanted.You never considered me, kept me on the edge and circled around me, making me feel things but never owning up to anything. Then one day, you tell me about her and how you gave her what I have been begging you for. You were a coward with me, Jae, and I tried to understand you, but you were brave with her. You don’t know how much that shit hurt me—how much it made me insecure. You can’t expect me to act the same way with you after all that.” You’re surprised by how calm you sounded amidst all the frustration you were feeling. Everything you bottled up before was finally surfacing, but maybe this was what both of you needed—closure.

“When we talked that day on Dowoon’s couch, you told me we were already a lost cause. But I clung on to you after that and you kept on shutting me off. That shit hurt me, too, Y/N. Nala was my last straw. When I first told you about her, it was only to make you jealous. I thought that maybe I can break into one of your walls, make you come out and take me in. But you retreated further. And Nala was there for me… She’s been there for me. But you have to know—“

“Let’s stop here, Jae.” You cut him off. “I still want to keep our friendship.”

You heard him sigh as he continued, “You have to know… you have to know that I love you. I always have.”

“I loved you, Jae.” You say before ending the call.


	15. Wait

When you went back to your dorm, you almost didn’t have time to dwell on your talk with Jae. It’s the week before the board exams and your nerves are more worried for your future than your relationships.

Brian has been messaging you, calling you even, but you chose to steer away from him, at least for this week. You’re too confused of your feelings—Jae’s words might have stirred something within you, again, and you don’t know if your growing feelings for Brian were just caused by you missing what you had with Jae. Besides, you’re not really sure if Brian feels the same way. When you’re with him, it’s always borderline platonic—things would get dangerously close to the line from time to time but he would always be the first one to pull back. Just like Jae before.

It was the night before the first day of the boards and the study room was full. You decided to study in your room. You did try to study but somehow you ended up mindlessly scrolling through your social media.

You were swooning over a cute dog video when you heard a knock on the door. The door opened immediately even when you didn’t answer, then Brian came in with a sullen look.

“B-Bri?” You got up from the bed and pretended to fix your books. You also knew he would be back tonight that’s why you locked yourself up in your room. You’ve mentally prepared for this, but you still ended up very anxious.

He moved to sit on your bed. You expected him to be mad but he’s actually very calm. “I see your phone’s okay.”

You looked at your phone on the bed, evading his eyes.

“Why were you ignoring me?” he asked.

“I wasn’t,” you lied, “Things were just too hectic this week. You know that.”

He squinted his eyes at you, “Liar. What happened with Jae?”

Your forehead creased at his question. “Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you,” he scoffed, smiling humorlessly.

You sighed, “Now is not really the time to talk about this, Bri. Our exam’s tomorrow.”

“After exams?”

“After passing.”

He shook his head and chuckled, “Sorry to say, but that’s something we’re not really certain of.”

You sensed his anxiety for the exams. You know he’s not really confident he can pass the board. He’s been vocal about it, and honestly, you feel like he doesn’t really care if he passes it or not. It has always been his father’s wish for him to be a CPA and he was just trying to be filial. But he plans to pursue his real passion after taking the exams. What that passion was, he said he’ll tell you after the exams.

“Seriously, I hope you still put you’re A+ effort for tomorrow’s exams. I know this isn’t what you wanted, but it’s not gonna hurt to try, right? At least for your father.” This time you look at him, but he’s the one evading your eyes.

“For you…” He said, fidgeting with a stuffed toy on your bed.

You were taken aback by his answer. You pulled the stuffed toy from him to force him to look at you. “Don’t. Don’t do anything for me.”

“I like you. In the most non-platonic way.” His voice quivered as he looked at you, his eyes were intense and full of emotions you can’t help but get sucked in.

You fell silent, staring at him blankly. Your mind can’t form logical thoughts to mouth an answer to him. Your talk with Jae last week was still bothering you, you didn’t need another one to think about. Especially not this time.

“I’m not gonna ask you for an answer right now. I just wanted—needed to get it out of me cos I feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t tell you.”

He stood up and moved to leave, but you spoke before he completely walked away. “You’re so unfair. I told you not now.”

“What does it matter, really?”

“My future?! I need to focus, Brian.” You said, frustrated.

“I think now is the right time to talk. Really. That way, we could get it off our minds.” He turned to sit back on your bed, this time closer to you.

You shook your head, scared you might say the wrong things, especially since you haven’t really figured things out yourself. “I’m not ready for this.”

“When will you be?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can wait.”

“I don’t want you to.”

He paused and looked at you square in the eyes. He seemed hurt. “Why not?”

“We’re friends, Bri.” You avoided his eyes and stared at your hands instead.

“Do you think this is just a repeat of what happened with you and Jae?” he took your hands and caught your eyes. “I’ve already crossed the line. I’m scared of losing you, Y/N, but I’m more scared of not having you.”

“I don’t know. Maybe this is just because we’re together all the time. After our exams, we’re off to our own ways again. When we set off to our own paths, maybe that’s the time we should be sorting our feelings out.” You choked, your tears welling up again.

“Is that really the reason? Or you haven’t really gotten over Jae?”

You pulled your hands out of his and looked away. “I don’t know, Bri. I’m too confused right now.”

Brian heaved a deep sigh as he stood up again. “I can wait,” he repeated. He moved towards the door but he turned back to you, “Good luck tomorrow. Sorry for bothering you tonight.”

“Bri—“ but he walked out and closed the door.


	16. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can I be friends with you?

The exams are finally over. All of you are waiting anxiously for the results that would come out in a week. But you are already moving out of the dorm tomorrow coz your parents are coming and will be staying at your Aunt’s house for a week until the results come out. The rest of your classmates chose to wait together in the dorm before moving out.

You were busy packing your things up cos you’re leaving first thing in the morning. Everyone is out at the rooftop party your landlady organized for all of you. You promised you’d follow them once you’re done. 

It was loud upstairs so you put on your earphones to help you focus on your tasks at hand. You were absorbed with the party music playing on your ears, you can’t help but dance a little. Or a lot. Your back was to the door so you nearly got a heart attack when you saw Brian holding the door open, staring at you, chuckling.

You haven’t spoken with Brian since that night. He wasn’t ignoring you, but rather, it seemed like he was giving you space. The day of the exams, he put some chocolates on your bag before you left in the morning. When you reached home after the exams, he wordlessly handed you a large cup of your favorite milk tea. You didn’t know what to say. You didn’t know how to deal with this version of Brian.

“Brian!” you pulled your earphones off as he entered the room and sat on the chair across your bed. “How long have you been there?!”

“Long enough,” he teased.

You glared at him before seating down on the floor in front of your open luggage. “It’s really messy in here right now. Why are you not upstairs?”

“You’re here.” He simply said. “Do you need help?”

“Nah. I’m good. Just a few more boxes and I’m done. Go enjoy yourself up.” You shooed him away, putting your earphones back. You know he wants to talk to you but you’re still not ready.

You breathed a sigh of relief when he stood up from his chair. You thought he was leaving but he suddenly slumped to the floor beside you. He pulled out your earphones, forcing you to look at him.

“You’re leaving tomorrow.” He said, his eyes dark and intense.

You looked away and went back to fixing your things in your luggage. “I am.”

“I don’t know when I can see you again after this. Please stop avoiding me.” He whispered patiently.

You bit your lower lip as your hands slowed down. “I thought you can wait,” you sighed.

“I just have to know what I’m waiting for.”

  
“I don’t want you to do that.”

“Why?” he asked.

You looked at him, “Because I don’t know either, Bri.”

He took your hand and intertwined his fingers with yours. “I just have to know if you feel it, too.”

You fell silent as words escaped you. You stared at his hand holding yours and wondered why they fit perfectly. His thumb slowly caressing your hand makes you feel warm… makes your heart flutter… just like Jae.

“I’m not the only one in this, right?” he begged you to answer.

“I… I don’t know if this feeling is because of you or because you remind me so much of him.” You said truthfully. “Have you moved on from her?”

He fell silent, taken aback by your question.

“Maybe we’re just each other’s rebound, Bri. Maybe this is just because we’ve been spending too much time together these past months. Maybe you just miss her? I don’t know.”

“I’ve moved on.” He stated strongly.

“I haven’t.” You see a sudden flash of pain cross his eyes but he was quick to look away. “I thought I have, but seeing him again has made me realize that there’s still a part of me longing for our almost. It’s been years for us, but you… it’s only been three months since you broke up with her. So how can you be so sure that what you say you feel is for me and not for her?”

“We’re a completely different case from you and Jae. You’re completely different from her and I’m completely different from you. You’re… you’re you, Y/N.” His hold on your hand tightened when he felt you trying to pull away. “Believe it or not, I’ve moved on. You’re not my rebound but I’m willing to be yours. I know I couldn’t compare to your history with Jae, but—“

“No.” You shook your head softly. “I can’t do that to you.”

“It’s my choice.”

“Why?”

“Because I like you?”

You scoffed, “I told you, you can’t be too sure. Maybe that’s just because—“

“You can doubt your feelings for me but I’m deadass sure about myself.” His voice suddenly getting frustrated.

You paused, surprised by his sudden change of mood. “Oh, you’re getting mad at me now?” you playfully provoked him, trying to make the atmosphere lighter. You didn’t want to continue the conversation cos you were scared you might say things you can’t take back.

“That’s because you’re so frustrating.” He muttered.

You pulled your hand away from him and stood up, “Can’t we just go back first to being friends, Bri? It’s easier that way.”

He stood up and faced you again, “I can’t be just friends with you. You make me happy. You make me nervous. I miss you when I don’t see you. I miss your voice when you don’t talk to me. I love hearing you say I’m annoying. I love holding you close. I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. How can I be friends with you?”

Your mouth was agape as you tried to process his sudden outburst. “That’s all I can give you right now. Yes, you make my heart flutter. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I love it when you hold my hand or hug me. But I don’t know if… I just wanted to be sure first, Bri.”

“It doesn’t work that way, you know. We’re not supposed to always be ‘sure’. We’re supposed to figure it out together.” He smiled, ruffling your hair. “I’ll take it then. But don’t expect me to continue treating you like a friend. My intentions are nowhere near platonic now.” He smirked, taking a step closer to you.

You took a step back to maintain the distance between you. “W-what?! Move back. You’re so annoying,” you stuttered. _What the hell is this sudden change? _He stepped closer so you took another step back, your back hitting the cabinet beside your bed.

You put your hands on his chest. “What the hell, Brian?! Move away.” You panicked, not used to having him this close.

“Trying another tactic?” He laughed. He leaned his hands on the cabinet, effectively trapping you between them. “Was he like this with you? Does this remind you of him?”

“N-no. He’s never—,” you tried to push him but he wouldn’t budge.

“This is me.” He whispered, inching closer. You can feel his breath on your face, disorienting you for a bit. “Before you saw him again, did you see me?”

  
You stared at his eyes, drowning in his gaze. “Yes.”

“That’s enough for me to hold on,” he said before his hands held your cheeks and closed the gap between your lips. Your eyes closed involuntarily as he kissed you softly, willing you to part your lips and take him.

_So this is how it feels like to be kissed. _You parted your lips and welcomed him, your hands travelling to his nape to hold him while he took his time deepening the kiss. As if introducing himself to you for the first time. As if erasing all traces of Jae on you. As if telling you they’re completely different.


	17. Congratulations

The day the results of your exams were announced, you were casually on playing with your dog, Boo, when all of a sudden your phone got busy with social media notifications, texts, and calls. All of them congratulating you. You cried with your parents that day, and spent the rest of it celebrating with family. Finally. All your hard work did not go to naught.

It was already nighttime when you had the time to reply to their greetings. You scrolled through your social media and clicked the link to the full list of passers. You see your friends’ names on the lists. But not Brian’s. You immediately felt guilty for not checking it earlier. You checked your call logs again and sifted through your text messages. There it was. A missed call and a simple text message saying “Congratulations!”.

You hit reply and drafted a message, typing and deleting words. _What to say?_You sighed. After that night he kissed you, you haven’t really had the chance to talk further. Jamie and Sungjin suddenly came in and dragged you two out to the party. They might have seen you kiss, but they didn’t really say anything about it.

You left really early the next day while everyone was still passed out and hungover. Brian called you every day, though. You’d talk about random things but never the most important thing, and you’re grateful for that. He’s giving you space. You might have admitted your feelings for him through that kiss but you didn’t want to be with him half-heartedly and have regrets after.

Your phone rang suddenly and you answered immediately, not bothering to look at the caller.

“Bri?”

“Hey. Uh. It’s Jae.” Jae’s voice filled your ears.

You paused and looked at your phone’s screen. _Fuck. _“Jae! Sorry about that. What’s up?”

“Congratulations!” he shouted through the phone. “I meant to call you earlier but I was busy the whole day.”

“Thanks.” You laughed.

“I’m proud of you.” He said softly.

“What are you, my father?!”

“You know what I mean.” He chuckled.

“I know. Thanks a lot, Jae. You’ve played a big part in my first years.”

“Only the first ones?” His voice feigning surprise. “Man, I really fucked up.”

You could imagine how he looked like saying that even though you couldn’t see him. That’s how much you knew him.

“Jae.” You warned.

“So when’s the celebration?” he changed the topic.

“We’re done?”

“What? Without me?”

“There’s no need for a big celebration,” you laughed. It feels good being able to laugh around with him again. Just like the old times.

“Still. We’ve got to meet up again. The whole gang. We haven’t been together for a long time.”

“I don’t know, Jae. Things are gonna get pretty hectic for me the next few weeks. You know, gotta look for a job ASAP.”

“Oh. I see. Well, I’ll take care of it. It doesn’t have to be soon.”

  
“You’re in-charge.”

“Easy peasy. Anyway, where are you planning on applying?” he asked.

“Anywhere.” You shrugged, “Haven’t really thought about the specifics.”

He fell silent for a second before speaking again. “Can I at least meet you? For old times’ sake.”

You hesitated. After your conversation with him weeks ago, you haven’t really talked again until now. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You know what happened the last time we saw each other.”

“All the more reason for us to meet and talk things out. You said you still want to keep this friendship. Let’s work for it?”

You sighed, “Alright then.”

“I’ll pick you up Sunday?”

“What? Do you even know where I am?”

“Of course, babe. You’re with your Aunt, right? That’s just a 30-minute drive from here. I’ll be there by 11.”

“Ooookay?” you said, unsure.

“Relax. You and your trust issues.”

Days passed and you still haven’t talked to Brian. You did send him a text thanking him for congratulating you, but he didn’t reply. It’s been a week since you last talked to him and you miss him already. So you decided to give him a call.

_This is crossing the line, right? I’m ready to cross the line._

Brian didn’t answer your call so you tried again for two more times. _He might be busy. _You decided to text him first.

**Bri! How are you?**

Your phone started ringing after a few minutes. This time, you checked the caller. Your heart jumped seeing Brian’s picture flashing on your screen.

“I miss you.” He said immediately after you picked up.

You were suddenly lost for words, so you just muttered, “Oh.”

You heard him chuckle softly. “No ‘I miss you, too’?”

“Stop it, Bri.” You said, feeling uncomfortable. You were never good at saying those words especially if you meant it. “How are you? You were gone for days.”

“I wasn’t gone. Just taking some time alone.”

“I—I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault I didn’t pass.”

“Still… Are you home now?”

“Yeah. I arrived here yesterday. When are you coming home?”

“Christmas break? I’m planning to start looking for a job next week.”’

“There?”

“Hopefully.”

“I see. I know you’ll do well.”

“Thanks, Brian. How about you? Mind telling me what you’re planning to do?”

You heard him sigh before answering. “My father wants me to take the exams again.”

“Do you want to?”

“No. I told you I’ll just do it for them once. I’m gonna do things for myself now.” He sounded determined.

“Which is…?” you prodded.

“Music.” He simply said.

“Music?!” You repeated. You never knew he was into music… of any kind.

“What?” he snorted, “Oh. You haven’t heard me sing. Nor have you seen my bass.”

“You play the bass?!” this sounded ridiculous to you.

He laughed at your reaction, “It’s only for special occasions. And special people…” he drifted off.

You nodded to yourself, “So you’ve sang for her?”

He hesitated, “I might have…”

“Okay.” You muttered, suddenly feeling jealous.

“Are you jealous?” he teased in his annoying Spongebob impersonation.

“Of course not. For all I know, you sound like a dying frog.”

“Foul! I sound like an angel.” He laughed then sang a few lines from Maroon 5’s Beautiful Goodbye. _“Let ‘em go, let ‘em fly, holding back won’t turn back time, believe me I tried.”_

His voice was indeed good. But you’re not gonna admit that to him. “Whatever.”

Silence filled the air. You thought he’s already hung up so you checked your phone. But he was still on the line.

“Bri?” you called just to check.

“Yep. Still here.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Can I ask for some time?” he suddenly said.

“What?” you asked, perplexed.

“I’m taking a step back.”

“I don’t understand—”

“I realized…” he paused, his voice faltering, “I realized that I don’t deserve you yet.”

“What do you mean, Brian?” you asked, suddenly feeling like you’re about to lose him.

“Can I take a step back? I’ll fix myself first. I promise I’ll work hard to deserve you.” He sniffed. _Was he crying?_

You didn’t know what to say or how to feel. You were the one who asked for this first, right? _Karma. _You cleared your throat before answering him, “You don’t owe me anything, Bri.”

You felt your voice faltering so you quickly ended the call and lied down on your bed, trying to process what happened. Just when you’re about to jump… Timing’s really a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm confused now as to how this would end. haha


	18. Truth

You woke up late the next day, totally forgetting about Jae, so you were so shocked to see him on your living room when you went out of your room, still in your pajamas.

“What are you doing here?” you stared at him blankly, your aunt giving him a glass of juice.

“Good morning?” Jae teased.

“Why are you not yet dressed when you have a date with him at 11?” your aunt raised an eyebrow at you. “He’s been waiting for an hour already, your cousin’s been knocking on your door but it never woke you up.”

You looked at the wall clock. It says 12:17 PM. Shit. You mouthed some sort of apology and dashed back to you room, hearing Jae and your aunt laughing at you.

“Take your time!” Jae shouted at you. You hurriedly took a bath and put on the most decent dress you could grab from your closet. You didn’t even dry your hair when you got out at 12:45. It’s only Jae anyway.

“Come on!” you grabbed Jae’s hand and pulled him out of the house, shouting goodbyes to your aunt in the kitchen.

“That was some record, babe.” Jae laughed, opening his car’s frontseat door for you.

“I’m sorry, I totally forgot. You should have at least texted me last night.” You fastened your seatbelt as he started the car.

“I did!”

“You did?!” You took out your phone to scroll through your messages last night, you saw his messages… probably sent while you were talking to Brian. Or while you were crying.

**Hey. I’ll be there by 11 tomorrow, okay?**

**  
I’ve been trying to call you but your line’s busy. I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Y/N.**

You apologetically smiled at Jae, “I’m sorry?”

Jae smiled as he ruffled your hair without taking his eyes off the road. “It’s fine.”

“So where are we going?” You asked him, trying to steer your thoughts away from last night.

“Somewhere I promised to take you before,” he threw you a quick glance, as if checking if you’d remember.

You looked at him cluelessly. “I have no idea.”

“Have you forgotten? Perhaps, you were too drunk that night.”

“What night?”

“Our last night at Dowoon’s. You asked me to take you to the amusement park once you get your license.”

“I did?”

Jae chuckled, “So you really were drunk that night.” It seemed like there was more to it that he isn’t telling you.

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.” You poked his arm, glaring at him, as he tried to focus on driving. He just smiled but didn’t say a word. “Jae!”

“Sshhh. We here!” he exclaimed as he entered the parking area of the amusement park.

Your eyes widened like a child’s. it’s been so long since you’ve been to an amusement park. The last time was probably when you were 5 years old. You loved it as a kid, you wonder how much more fun it would be as an adult.

You don’t really remember much about that night at Dowoon’s, aside from that talk with Jae. It was your first time drinking but your tolerance was a bit higher than Maya and Haru who were already passed out on the couch. You were probably as drunk as them, but you were at least still up. You remember Wonpil and Dowoon cleaning up the mess, while Jae was beside you, making sure you’re okay.

The thing is, when you’re drunk, your thoughts become unfiltered as they pass through your mouth—this you realize just recently. So you’re afraid you said or did something you shouldn’t that night.

As you entered the park, Jae immediately put on your hand a cute headband with fox ears. When you turned to him, you saw him wearing one with bunny ears. You laughed at his childishness.

“Let’s take a pic!” he took out his phone and took a selfie of you two. “Let me post this as my official congratulatory greetings.” He muttered, as he furiously tapped on his phone.

“Come on, the line’s getting longer!” You dragged him by his shirtsleeve towards the roller coaster.

“What? No way I’m gonna ride that.” He whined, but still let himself be dragged. “Let’s just take cute pictures!”

“Don’t be such a girl.” You teased as you reached the end of the line.

Three hours and five extreme rides after, you gave in and let Jae rest on a bench while waiting for the parade. You were munching on a turkey leg, while Jae was holding a piece of churros, which he’s barely eaten.

“You look like you’re gonna puke.” You laughed at him.

“Never again, Y/N. Never again.” He shook his head weakly. “Give me time to recover.”

“Okay, let’s go for a kid’s ride this time.”

Jae glared at you, biting on his churros. “No more spinning for me, Miss.”

“Ferris wheel?” you gave him your best version of puppy eyes, as you pointed at the big ferris wheel behind him. The sun was already starting to set so the park is already lit up. Jae looked at you, frustrated. “Pretty please? Last one.”

“I thought you wanted to see the fireworks.” He sighed.

“We have time. Come on. Finish that.” You stuffed the rest of your food to your mouth and drank water.

There was not much of a line for the ferris wheel, so you were already inside after fifteen minutes. You had the capsule to yourselves. As the wheel slowly turned, you basked yourself with the sunset glow reflecting on the cityscape. You stared outside, occasionally taking pictures of the view. No one said a word, both of you comfortable in the silence of the moment.

“We kissed.” Jae suddenly broke the silence. Your capsule halfway up the wheel.

“W-what?” you turned to him, stunned.

“That night. When you asked me to bring you here. We—it somehow ended that way.”

You shook your head in disbelief. “Details, Jae.” You demanded. You know he would never lie about this kind of things.

“When Haru and Maya were passed out on the couch, and Wonpil and Dowoon were cleaning up in the kitchen. I’ve only realized just now that you might not really remember.” He chuckled softly. “You were tipsy and talking about a lot of things. You jumped from topic to topic and I was just indulging you until you fall asleep. You made me promise to bring you to an amusement park once you get your license. I promised you I would. You suddenly hugged me and thanked me for a lot of things. You were talking gibberish.” He paused and laughed.

“And?”

“Well, you… told me you loved me. But you didn’t want to hear me say it back so you suddenly kissed me.”

“What the hell!” You exclaimed, embarrassment taking over you. “Oh my God, Jae.” You felt his eyes on you but you can barely look at him.

“You suddenly started crying, whining about all sort of things like school… your dog… me…” This time you looked at him and met his soulful eyes. “You said you’re sorry you can’t prioritize me over your acads. You asked me to stay by your side… to wait until you get your license… to not do anything that could make you waver…” He took your hand and held it tightly, breaking eye contact to look at your hands. “After that night, you started avoiding me. I thought you wanted to forget what happened and I got scared you’ll slip further away if I bring it up. I—I’m sorry.”

You fell silent, not knowing what to say. You feel like your heart is going to burst. After all this time… It was your walls that kept him away.

“Also... I... I broke up with her.”

You didn’t say a word and just stared at him, stunned. They’ve been together for years and yet...

“That night you called me. I can’t keep lying to her. I can’t keep lying to myself.”

“Jae, I—“

“I know you don’t feel the same way anymore, but can I at least try?”

Your phone started ringing. You saw Brian’s face flashing on the screen, and you’re sure Jae saw it too. You suddenly pulled your hand from him, but you just stared at your phone, refusing to answer the call. You turned it off and met Jae’s eyes, realization somehow dawning on him.

“It’s… It’s not what you think, Jae.” You don’t know why but you suddenly felt guilty. It was already starting to get dark as your capsule began to descend the wheel.

“I understand, Y/N.” He just nodded sadly, his eyes hooded.

“No, Jae. Brian and I…” you started, “I don’t really know how to explain it. But, yeah. Our relationship’s just like how we used to be. I mean… we got close these past few months. We were practically best friends too. He—he told me he likes me. But I don’t know. I’m not sure about my feelings. I feel like I’m just seeing you in him or maybe I‘m just missing what we used to have? I don’t know.”

“So you pushed him away.” He added.

You looked at him. “I guess I did. But he said he’d wait until I figure it out.”

“That night we talked, you clearly told me off in past tense. Are you really confused or are you just scared?”

“I’m scared.” You admitted. “But I finally felt like giving it a chance so I took a step towards him. But now he’s the one who’s backing away.”

“He’s a coward, then.” He muttered.

“Aren’t we all…” you whispered as the cabin pulled into a stop. The ride was over.


	19. Drunk

The sun has already set when you got out of the ferris wheel. The park was illuminated with various Christmas-themed decorations since it’s only a few months away. The cold breeze has started to softly blow through you and you felt yourself shiver in your clothes. You slowly walked towards the benches, Jae trailing behind you.

“Are you cold?” You heard him ask.

“I’m fine.” You answered. You suddenly felt him put his jacket on you. You turned to him, now only on his shirt. You tried to give him back his jacket but he put his hands firmly on your shoulder.

“I’ll go grab some drinks. Wait for me here.” He said before he ran towards the food stalls.

You sighed as you sat on the bench. The park looks so pretty at night. You feel thankful to Jae for spending the day with you, but you miss Brian. You had fun today—it made you forget about life’s complications, but at the end of day, you still kind of wish he’s here with you.

You saw Jae walking back to you, two bottles of water in his hand. He opened one bottle and gave it to you.

“Fireworks will start in a few. Let’s go find a nice spot.” He said as he started walking towards the garden where the fireworks display will be held. You briskly walked to his side, still wearing his jacket. He seemed to know his way. He easily led you to a less crowded spot with the perfect view of the castle and the night sky.

Soon enough, the fireworks display started. You stared in awe as the flashing lights filled the darkness. The crowd cheered every time a big one comes up. It was so loud but you somehow felt calm. Jae stood tall behind you, his hands quietly resting on your shoulders, his chin above your head. It was still kind of chilly even with his jacket on so you could just imagine how cold it would be for him with just a flimsy T-shirt.

“Aren’t you cold?” you asked as you tried to look up at his face, unconsciously leaning back closer to him.

He didn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t hear you. The fireworks were loud after all. But you felt him drop his hands from your shoulders to your arms until he held your hands and put it inside his jacket’s pockets--almost hugging, but not quite. You felt his cheek rest on the side of your head. You looked down and chuckled seeing how he split his legs a bit wider to fit your height.

“Why’re you laughing?” he murmured, feeling your shoulders shake with laughter.

“Did you get taller?”

“You got shorter,” you felt him smirk. “We’re still a perfect fit, though.”

You didn’t answer him. You expected to feel awkward but you actually felt very comfortable. Like you were home. Although he confessed that he still loves you, it somehow felt like you’ve gained your best friend back.

Jae was still holding your hand even as you walked towards the parking lot after the display has ended.

“Thanks for today, Jae. Even if I don’t really remember asking you for this.”

“What can I say? I’m a man of honor.” He chuckled as he opened the car door for you.

“Yeah, right.” You scoffed before entering his car. Jae quickly closed the door and ran to the other side.

He didn’t start the car immediately once he sat on the front seat. He turned to you instead. “So… for the record, you don’t really remember any of it?”

You slowly shook your head, awkwardly smiling at him. “I guess, everything I told you was true though. They say you can only say what you truly want to say when you get drunk. Maybe those were really my thoughts… even though I haven’t really admitted those to myself during that time.”

“I should have been braver and talked to you about this sooner. Maybe things would be different between us today.”

“I don’t know. I think I still would have shut you out. I wasn’t ready, Jae.” You stared out the window, watching the stream of people walking out of the park.

“We both weren’t.”

“I don’t think we can even be friends until now if we happened before.”

He slowly nodded as he fell quiet. “Can I be your best friend again?” he whispered softly.

“You’ve always been my best friend. Even after all these years.” You looked at him this time, realization suddenly dawning on you. “You’re actually my first kiss!”

Jae’s eyes widened hearing you bring that up. He laughed. “For what it’s worth, you were mine. It was—”

“Okay let’s stop talking about that.” You cut him off, feeling heat rise up your cheeks.

“It was amazing,” he still continued, “Just so you know.”

“Of course.” You rolled your eyes. He laughed and started the car.

The trip took you longer than expected because of the traffic. You didn’t realize you’ve fallen asleep until your vibrating phone woke you up to a sleeping Jae beside you, car parked in front of your Aunt’s house. It was already 1AM and Brian was calling you.

“Bri?” You whispered to your phone so as not to disturb Jae, your voice still heavy with sleep.

“Did I wake you up?” he sounded worried.

“Uh, yes, actually. But it’s fine. What’s up?”

“You were ignoring me the whole day.”

“I wasn’t? I was just out.” _Besides, I thought you wanted to back off?_

“Out where? With who?” he asked like a little kid with tantrums.

You paused, suddenly feeling guilty, but still decided to answer truthfully. “Jae.” As if on cue, Jae fluttered his eyes open upon hearing you say his name. His eyes met yours immediately.

“I see.” Brian muttered. The silence that followed made you feel awkward.

Jae suddenly sat straight and fixed himself. “I’ll stretch for a bit,” he muttered as he went out of the car to give you privacy.

“Are you mad at me?” you heard Brian ask. You shifted your eyes away from Jae and stared out of your window instead.

“No. Why would I be?”

“You know. Last night…” he drifted off, not knowing how to explain himself.

“I understand, Bri. That’s what I wanted anyway, right? Time to figure things out.”

“I want to see you. I miss you so bad.” He slurred.

Your heart skipped a beat. _I miss you too._“Are you drunk?” you asked instead.

“No.” he answered almost immediately, but sighed after. “Just a little. I went out with some of my high school friends. You’re not the only one with ‘friends’.” His voice suddenly turned agitated.

“Now you’re mad at me?” You can’t help but laugh at him.

“’Cos you ignored me the whole day. Just because you’re with him! Didn’t you miss me? I miss you!” he whined over the phone. There he goes with his crazy mood shifts again.

“You’re drunk. Go to sleep, Bri.”

“Say you miss me first.” He urged.

“Good night, Brian.” You nervously ended the call before he could even argue.

A few seconds later, you received a text message from him with a selfie of his tipsy face.

**I MISS YOU!!!!**

You smiled to yourself. _ How are we moving on from this, Brian?_

“Ah. To hell with it.” You muttered as you tapped a reply to him.

**I miss you, too. **

You hit send before you could change your mind then put your phone to your bag immediately, afraid of seeing his reply. You moved to open the car door and get out of the car but your phone started vibrating again. The annoying Brian wants to facetime you now. You answered his call—his flushed drunk face filling your screen.

“Go to sleep, you drunkard!” You whined. You stood outside the car and leaned on the hood. Jae was on the other side, directly behind you, so his back was kind of captured on cam.

“I just have to make sure it was you.” It could be your imagination but his jaw stiffened as his eyes glanced behind you. It was just a quick moment though. “Say it.”

“What?!”

“Your text. I want to hear it from you.” He smiled like a hyena, mocking you.

“You wish!”

He pouted, “Please?”

You scrunched your nose and shook your head furiously.

“I…” He mouthed like a teacher teaching a kindergartener how to read. “Come on. I…?”

You rolled your eyes at him but decided to indulge him for a bit. “I…”

“Missssssss…” His exaggerated expressions made you laugh.

You squinted your eyes and pretended not to understand. “What?”

“Mmmmmiiiiissssssss…”

“Signal’s poor, Bri. I’ll hang up.”

“Wait!!! You’re so annoying.” His shoulders dropped as he gave up. This guy is too unpredictable. He could be cute, he could be aggressive, he could be serious, he could be annoying... all in one day. It’s as if last night’s conversation did not happen at all.

You heaved a deep sigh. “I miss you.” You quickly said and ended the call abruptly. _He might not remember it anyway. _Your heart was still beating fast but you couldn’t help but smile. You absentmindedly turned around and saw Jae staring at you. You couldn’t read his expression at first but he smiled thereafter.

“I’ll go ahead now.” He said as he moved to the car door.

You nodded awkwardly. “Thanks for today, Jae. Drive safely.”

He entered his car then rolled the car window on your side. “Let’s do this again soon, okay?”

“Of course.” You smiled and waved him goodbye.

“Let me meet him.”

“What?”

“I’ve got a lot of things to say.” He smiled before he rolled the windows up and drove away.


	20. More

A few weeks after, you landed a job in an auditing firm. The office was a bit far from your aunt’s house so you had to move somewhere near it. You rented an apartment with some of your college friends who’d be working either on the same company or around the same area.

You thought you were ready for adulting but you couldn’t be more wrong. Adulting ate you up—literally ate you up. Life got so hectic you barely had time for yourself, moreso for anyone else. You wake up, you go to work, you sleep. The cycle repeats every day. You’re thankful you live with your friends cos if not, even your social life would be gone.

Brian still calls you every now and then but you couldn’t and wouldn’t answer all the time. He’s now doing gigs in various bars around the metro. Last time you checked, he was planning on going to a music school. He actually lives not too far from your place but you never saw each other. Partly your fault.

One Friday night, the gang decided to meet up since it was Sungjin’s birthday. Everyone has agreed to come since it has been set a week ago. But that afternoon, you’ve got some major problems with work. Your whole team has to do overtime for a presentation on Monday morning. You had no choice but to get a raincheck.

It was already 10PM and you were already so tired and stressed out. You snapped even at your senior-in-charge. You apologized immediately and excused yourself to the restroom to calm yourself down. And cry. You were hiding yourself in one of the cubicles when you heard your phone ring. It was Brian. You didn’t answer, afraid you’d end up lashing out on him again like the last time he called. You felt relieved when your phone stopped ringing, but a message came in instead.

**Why aren’t you answering your phone? Are you ditching us again?**

_Again. _Well, yes. This wasn’t the first time this happened. But it wasn’t like you had a choice. You sighed as you typed a reply, but before you could even gather your thoughts, Brian was calling you again. You let it ring for a few more times until it was clear he’s not gonna stop until you answer it.

“I’m sorry.” You said, preparing yourself for his wrath.

“Why are you ignoring me again?” You could hear the loud music on the background. The venue was in a bar afterall. And Brian has a gig there tonight.

“Busy.” You muttered.

“You said you’re gonna follow us here. What happened? Do you want me to pick you up? I really want to see you tonight.”

You felt your stress level going up again as you get reminded of the work waiting for you outside this cubicle. “I can’t anymore. Something came up at work.” You tried to sound apologetic but deep inside you’re so agitated at the situation you were in. Why do you even have to apologize for that when it’s not even your fault?

“Not again, Y/N. Come on. I haven’t seen you for the longest time. You said you wanted to watch me play.”

“Do you think I’m just making up an excuse? Do you want to talk to my boss?!” you snapped, raising your voice at him.

“I’m sorry if that came out wrong. That’s not what I meant. Why are you always ready to fight me whenever we talk these days?” He whined but chuckled after to lighten the mood.

“I have to go Bri. I can’t talk for long.” you said, ignoring his question.

“I miss you.” You heard him say softly before you ended the call.

You suddenly felt like crying again, but you blinked it away as you got out of the restroom and return to your work area. But before you got to your seat, your phone pinged with a new text message from Bri.

**Please don’t be mad anymore. I’m sorry I just miss you.**

You sighed as you tried to type a reply but another message came in again.

**Too damn much. **

  
  


It was already 2AM when your manager allowed your team to go home. You sleepily packed your things and got ready to go home.

“Do you need a ride home?” your senior in charge asked you on her way out.

You shook your head. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just book a grab.” You don’t need any more interaction with workplace people.

She nodded, “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow. I mean, later.”

You sighed. It’s already Saturday, yet you still have to work. Again. _What hellhole did I get myself into? _You walked towards the elevator and waited, staring blankly at the walls. After a few minutes, the doors opened and you absentmindedly went in and pushed the button for the ground floor. There was only one guy inside aside from you.

“Y/N?”

You turned your head back, startled to see Jae. “Jae! I’m sorry I was…” you trailed off.

“I can see that.” He chuckled. “Work too hectic?”

You shook your head sadly. “Hectic is an understatement. I’m so tired.”

“Aww…” he cooed as he pulled you closer to him and rubbed your shoulder reassuringly. “It’ll pass. Just rest for now, okay?”

You nodded, feeling calmer now. Jae never fails to calm you down at times like this. You suddenly remembered your college days and how he was always there when things get suffocating. “Why are you here by the way?”

“Meeting. I’ve got a client on the 17th floor. Wait for me in the lobby, I’ll give you a ride home.” You knew Jae’s office was just in the building next to yours, but this was actually the first time you’ve bumped into him.

“Is your shift over?” You asked as the elevator door opened and you walked out.

“Yup. Stay here. I’ll just get the car from our parking area.”

“Thanks, Jae.” You said before sitting down on the couch near the reception. He just waved his hand at you as he continued walking away. You leaned back and closed your eyes for a bit. You got startled when you felt the couch dip beside you as if someone sat down. You opened your eyes and found yourself suddenly face to face with Brian.

“Bri?!” you sat straight, and shook your head to shake away the dream. He smiled at you sleepily.

“Where… Why are you here?” Your heart started beating erratically again.

“Do you want to have coffee?” he asked you. You stared at him dumbfounded. Your tired mind can’t process him. It’s been so long since you last saw him in person.

Your phone suddenly started ringing, you answered immediately seeing it was Jae calling.

“I’m going out of our building.” He said.

“Uh. You don’t have to anymore, Jae.” You didn’t know how to explain the situation now.

“Why? Did you leave already?” Jae sounded worried.

“No. I…” You turned to Brian and met his eyes. “Brian’s here.”

Jae paused for a second before answering. “I see. I’ll go ahead then. Take care!”

“Thanks. You too. Good night.”

“’Night.” he said before ending the call.

You put your phone back to your bag. “Why are you here, Bri?”

“I told you I wanted to see you. I asked Jamie for your office address.” He shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Surprise?” He smiled as he took your hand and pulled you up. “Come on. Let’s get coffee first.”

“How long have you been waiting?” You asked as he walked out the door.

“Months?” he answered sarcastically.

"Huh." You pulled him back, annoyed.

He laughed at your expression and ruffled your head affectionately. “Don’t worry. I’ve arrived here just an hour ago.”

You felt like he’s lying. “I can check the CCTV, Brian.”

“What does it matter? You’re here now.” He muttered, pulling you closer and putting his arm around your shoulder as you walked to the nearest coffee shop.

“I’m still mad at you. But thank you.” You said, entering the café. He just smiled at you before he let you sit on a quiet spot in the corner.

“What will you have?” he asked, crouching lower to face you, leaning on your armchair.

“Anything without caffeine. I need to sleep.” you turned your face away from his, feeling yourself blush.

“Alright.” He stood and walked towards the counter before you could get your wallet.

He came back with a tray of iced americano, chamomile tea and your favorite banoffee pie. He put your teacup in front of you before sitting beside you. You turned to him curiously, wondering why he sat beside you when he normally seats across you when you go out.

He took a sip on his coffee before turning his body to face you. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired?” You leaned back and lifted the cup of tea to your mouth. This scent would always make you feel calm. You blew on it softly before taking a sip.

He didn’t answer you. He lifted his fork instead and took a piece of the pie and moved to feed you. On instinct, you leaned away to dodge the food. You looked at him quizzically as you tried to get the fork from him. “You don’t have to feed me, Bri.”

“I know you still haven’t eaten. Look at you. You got so skinny.” He stubbornly urged you to open your mouth. You know he’d never back down on you so you just indulged him and ate the food. He gleamed like a kid as he put his fork down, you can’t help but smile as well as you munched on your food.

“So why are you mad at me?” he asked you, before taking a bite of the pie. For someone asking what his sins are, he didn’t seem bothered at all.

“Because you’re so annoying?” you rolled your eyes at him, your voice dripping with sarcasm.

He chuckled, “I knew you’re gonna say that. Not a valid point.”

“Okay, I’m sorry for lashing out on you. I’m just so stressed out these days.” You said sincerely. “But that’s still a valid reason. You really are annoying.”

“You like me because I’m annoying.” He said confidently.

“Excuse me?” Your voice turned up a notch, taken aback by his statement. He just shrugged his shoulders as he took a sip of his drink. “I never said that.”

“You never did.” He said simply. He raised an eyebrow at you, his playful eyes willing you to remember something.

Realization suddenly dawned at you as you understood what he meant. You felt your cheeks turn red in embarrassment as you remembered the kiss. “You’re so annoying.” You quickly took another sip of your tea to avoid his teasing, not realizing the drink was still too hot. You nearly dropped the cup as you felt the liquid burn your tongue. “Shit!”

Brian was quick to help you, taking the cup from your hand and placing it safely on the table. “Are you okay?” He held your face up while examining your parted lips for injury. Your heart stopped beating for a few seconds as you stare at his worried face, just a few inches from yours.

He seemed to realize it too because he suddenly cleared his throat and quickly retreated to his seat. He handed you his iced Americano and you took it wordlessly but he snatched it again before you could even take a sip.

“Ah. No caffeine for you. I’ll get you water instead.” He stood and asked for water from the counter and handed it to you. “Better?”

You awkwardly nodded after drinking. You cleared your throat before talking again. “So how was your gig earlier?”

“Good. You definitely missed half of your life not seeing that.”

“I could always get a private performance. I could always ask you to sing for me.” You scrunched your nose at him and smiled mockingly.

“You’re quite confident, huh?” He scoffed at you. “I gave you the upper hand too damn early.” He muttered, shaking his head playfully.

You chose not to reply, helping yourself to the pie again. Brian turned quiet as well, a lot of unsaid words hanging between you. You glanced at your wristwatch, it was already 3:14 AM. You really need to go home now but you didn’t want to leave things hanging again.

“What are we doing, Bri?” you whispered softly, catching his eyes.

He hesitated. His face suddenly turned serious as he looked at you tenderly.

“You told me—“

“I know what I said, Y/N,” he cut you off softly, “I know this is not what we’re supposed to be doing. But… it felt like you were slowly drifting away from me. I got scared I’d lose you completely if I don’t…” he fidgeted with his fingers, at a loss for words.

“Honestly? I don’t really understand what you meant by ‘deserving’ me, but I respect your choice, Bri. All I’m asking is for you to stand by it. We’re friends. Still. And if you want to keep it that way, you can’t keep on doing things that would make me ask for more.”

“I want more,” he guiltily said, looking down, “Just... not now.”

“Then don’t make me want for more now.” You snapped, your pent up frustrations are slowly surfacing again, “You feel like I’m drifting away from you? That’s because I already got too close, I have to take a lot of steps back.”

He looked at you again, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“What do you think?” you sighed and paused for a bit, “This time, you’re the one who needs to figure yourself out, Bri. And to be honest, I miss my annoying best friend.”


	21. Birthday

“Happy birthday, Y/N!”

You were on your way out your building when you heard Jae shout as if it wasn’t a public place. He was standing in front of his car, your favorite cake and a red tulip on his hands. Your cheeks burned as you walked briskly towards his car, trying hard to ignore everyone’s stare. You heard a lot of things while closing that distance between the door and his car.

“Aww that’s so sweet!”

“Happy birthday, Ms.!”

“He looks so cute!”

You hurriedly took the flower from him as you opened the door to the front seat. Once Jae was inside the car, he presented you the cake once again. His face beaming with a cheerful smile.

“You’re such an attention-seeker!” You took the cake, glaring at him. “But thank you. I still have a few hours to go though.” You carefully placed the cake at the backseat.

Jae laughed at your reaction. “Happy birthday!” he repeated. “Am I officially the first one to greet you?”

“No. Cos it hasn’t even started yet, Jae.” You rolled your eyes at him, “You know how I hate making a big deal out of my birthday.”

“You know it’s my duty to make you enjoy your day.” He mocked your tone before starting the car and driving away from your building. “It’s only once a year.”

“Exactly. It’s only once a year. I’d appreciate it more if you do this to me every day.”

“You’re such a mood-breaker.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You chuckled at him giving you a side glare. You tinkered with his car stereo and a soft song played in an instant. You leaned your head towards the window as you felt yourself relax to the music.

You felt yourself doze off watching the citylights as you sped on the highway. There’s no more traffic cos it’s already a bit late. Your forehead creased when you realize you’re not taking your usual route home. “Where are we going, Jae?”

“We’re celebrating.” He shrugged as he threw you a quick glance.

“Where?!”

He smiled but didn’t answer you.

“Jae!” You softly smacked his arm.

“Ow!” his exaggerated expression made you laugh. “Just trust me, okay?”

You sighed as you slumped on your seat, “Well, what can I do? You’ve already kidnapped me.”

“Wow. You make it sound so bad.” He scoffed at you.

“For all I know, you’re gonna sell me off to a nightclub or something.”

“Nah. They wouldn’t accept you even if I give you for free.” He said too seriously.

You smacked his arm again in response. He flinched away from you causing the car to swerve a little. You heard the car behind you honk his horn loudly.

“Jae!” Your eyes widened at his carelessness, heart beating fast.

“I’m sorry. Stop distracting me, okay?” he cleared his throat as he tried to focus on driving again, “You just sitting there so prettily is already making me nervous as it is…” he whispered softly.

You froze at his last remark. You leaned back to your seat and closed your eyes. “I’ll take a nap,” you muttered awkwardly. You have gotten close with Jae again the past few weeks. You try to keep it platonic but there would always be times he’d say or do something that would throw you off. You know how he feels and he knows how you feel—that includes Brian, and Jae respects that.

Ah Brian. After that night at the coffee shop, he still called and messaged you often. He’s just too stubborn to listen to you. But you took things on your hand and tried to moderate your responses to him just to establish that kind of distance ‘friends’ should have. He seemed to have taken the hint and soon enough, he contacts you less often than usual. He went back home and has started teaching music to kids in his hometown. He seemed happier whenever you talk to him but he’d always say he misses you. It’s easier to say it back to him now. Is it because you don’t mean it as much as you did before? Or is it because you now treat him as a friend?

You sighed as you tried to wash the thoughts away. Eyes still closed, you decided to take a nap for real. You dozed off to Jae’s sweet voice softly humming to the tune on the radio.

Your eyes fluttered open when felt a soft caress on your cheek. Disoriented, you focused your eyes to the view in front of you. You’re in some kind of viewpoint overlooking the city. The lights glimmered prettily, stars scattered the night sky above. It was perfect.

You turned to Jae, his arm resting on the back of your seat, the back of his palm still dangerously close to your cheek. He has this tender look on his eyes as he stared at you silently. You cleared your throat, feeling awkward again. “Where are we?”

“Somewhere.” He answered as if waking up from a daze, pulling his hand away to get the cake from the backseat. He glanced at his watch and smiled at you, “10 minutes.”

Realization dawned on you as he took the cake out of its box and put the candles on top. Your nap made you forget your birthday. “Oh, right. Birthday.” You rolled your eyes at him.

“Let’s go outside. The night breeze is perfect.” He opened the door, holding the cake on his right hand. He went out and put the cake on top his car’s hood before running to your side and opening the door for you. “Come on.” He pulled you out and you begrudgingly obliged.

He was right. The night breeze was perfect. The view was perfect. You went to the front and leaned on his car, taking in the view. You heard him light a match for the candle. Soon enough, you hear him humming to the song Happy Birthday.

“Happy birthday! For real now.” You laughed as he gave you the cake, the candle softly illuminating your faces. Jae took out his phone to take a video of you blowing the candle. After taking a few more pictures, you put the cake on the car’s hood again. Jae stood beside you as you both stared ahead.

“Thanks, Jae.”

“Did you make a wish?” he asked.

“I’m not a kid anymore. I stopped making wishes a long time ago.” You answered softly.

“No one’s old enough for a wish.”

You just smiled and shook your head.

“I have a wish for you,” he said.

You turned to him but didn’t say a word.

He turned to meet your eyes. “I wish you’d be happier,” he said sincerely.

You felt tears starting to well up your eyes so you looked away and focused on the view in front again. “I am happy.” You don’t know if you’re convincing him or yourself.

“Yeah right.” Jae scoffed, “Well, that’s why I wished for you to be happi-ER. I want more happiness for you, Y/N.”

You didn’t answer. Both of you basked in the silence that followed. You felt yourself shiver as the cold breeze softly blew your way. Jae wordlessly took off his jacket and put it on you again.

“I still have your jacket from last time,” you said, suddenly realizing you haven’t returned it to him.

“It’s yours. That one fits you better.”

“Can I have this one too?” you chuckled at him, holding the jacket closer to your body.

“No. Not that one.”

“Why? Is this expensive?”

“No,” Jae laughed. “That was a gift.”

“Oh.” You suddenly realized what he meant. This one’s from Nala. Awkward. As if on cue, your phone started ringing in your pocket. It was Brian calling.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Y/N!!” he shouted through the phone as soon as you answered. It was too loud you had to move the phone away from your ear.

“Thanks, Bri!” you laughed.

“Did I make it? Was I the first one?”

You glanced at your watch. It was already 12:13 AM. “Uh, yeah.” You lied.

“Can I facetime you?” he asked but he ended the call before you could answer. Soon enough, your phone started ringing again. _Shit_.

You had no choice but to answer his call but you turned off the camera feature so he couldn’t see you. Brian’s sleepy face filled your screen. Your heart fluttered seeing him again after a long time.

“Why can’t I see you?” he complained.

“My camera’s not working right now. Can you just call normally?” You felt uncomfortable lying to him with Jae watching so you walked a few steps away.

“But you can see me?”

“Yeah. Yes I can.”

“Okay. Just look at my handsome face. That’s my gift.” Brian laughed. “I could see you rolling your eyes right now.”

“Good.”

“Send me a picture. I want to see you.”

“Just go to my Instagram.” You said sarcastically.

“I want something just for me.” He pouted.

“Is it your birthday?” you laughed at him.

“Send me nudes!”

“WHAT?!”

He laughed so hard at your reaction. “Just kidding. You know, I could imagine you glaring at me right now. I miss you so much.”

“You’re so annoying.” You smiled to yourself.

“So what are you doing for your birthday?”

“N-nothing. I don’t really celebrate my birthday.” Just then, a notification pinged your phone. Jae tagged you in a photo. _Shit_. “I have to go, Bri. Call again tomorrow? I mean, later?”

“Of course. Good night!”

“You too.”

“Happy birthday again!”

“Yah yah. Thanks.” You hurriedly ended the call and clicked on the notification. Jae posted the picture from tonight.

The caption read: _Thanks for having me on your birthday, though you really didn’t have a choice. Love you!_

“Jae! Why did you post that?!” You marched towards him.

“Why not?” Jae looked at you, confused at your sudden outburst.

Before you could answer, your phone pinged with another notification. Brian liked the post.


	22. Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short update

Jae offered to delete his post after understanding your predicament but you didn’t let him cos it will make you look even more guilty. You just turned your phone off, afraid Brian would call again. Jae took you home after you had some cake, both of you quiet on the whole ride.

You woke up to a lot of messages and notifications on your social media accounts. You scrolled through them in hopes of finding one from Brian, but nada. You felt horrible lying to him (and of course, being caught not long after) but you just didn’t want to make him think things. Or were you the one overthinking?

It’s just two days before the deadliest deadline for everyone so your boss couldn’t let you take a leave for the day. You went to work still bothered by last night’s happenings, your work mates’ greetings barely registered to you. Your phone rang as soon as you reached your work station. It was Maya.

“Happy birthday!” Maya greeted enthusiastically as soon as you answered.

“Thanks, Maya!”

“So where’s the party? Haru and I are ready.”

“I can’t today. Too busy.” You heard her scoff. “Let’s do it on the weekend, okay?”

“Fine. Workaholic! You have no time for us but you celebrated with Jae last night, huh?”

“That wasn’t planned, Maya,” you say scratching you eyebrow in annoyance. “Jae really shouldn’t have posted that,” you added.

“Why? Is it a secret no one should know?” she teased.

“I just knew I would be getting these kind of reactions from you. There’s nothing to hide there, Maya. Nothing going on between us.”

“Are you sure? I mean, I know about your current ‘Brian predicament’, and the way I see it, you’re rebounding on Jae…” she trailed off.

“Why are you giving me the brutal talk this early? And it’s my birthday!” you complained, trying to steer the conversation away from where it is headed.

“Now you’re using the birthday card,” she replied sarcastically, “Fine, I’ll let you off today. See you Saturday?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Maya.” You conceded.

“Love you! Enjoy today, okay?”

“I will.” You say before dropping the call.

Just before you could keep your phone, you received a message from Haru.

**Happy birthday, Y/N! Party later?**

**P.S. What was that with Jae huh?**

You sighed as you typed a reply.

**Thanks, Haru! See you Saturday with Maya, ok? **

**P.S. That’s nothing. Why are you all assuming things?!**

Haru replied almost immediately.

**Not assuming. It’s literally written there! And I quote: “Love you!”**

The day went by in a slur of greetings and thanks in between work. it was already 11PM when your manager allowed you to leave because he wanted you to still have an hour of your birthday. _Wow, thank you. _You were packing your things, preparing to leave when your phone repeatedly buzzed with chat notifications from Jamie.

**Girl! Happy Birthday!**

**Oh but wait!**

**What’s happening?**

**Are you and Bri over?**

You replied to her with a simple **??. **

She chatted back instantly.

**Facebook.**

You curiously closed the chatroom and opened your Facebook account. The first thing you saw was a picture of Brian and a girl who strangely looked familiar to you. _His ex? _They were seated closely together in what looked like a bar, big smiles on their faces, his arm draped over her shoulder. The picture was posted by the girl, Raine, with a one-word caption, _Back. _

Just one word, and you felt your heart softly break into pieces. Again. Just one word from someone you don’t even know personally, and you felt your walls which has slowly started to lower, rise up again to guard your heart. It felt like you were skydiving—taking the jump, free falling from a thousand feet up, confident he would pull the pin on the parachute and land you safely. You let him take his time because he knows himself better, but in the end, he cut you off and let you fall by yourself.

You wanted to cry but somehow, your pride wouldn’t allow you to. You wanted to call him and ask for an explanation, but on what grounds? You were only friends after all.

_But really, Brian? Just after last night? _He asked you to wait for him and you did, just not the way he wanted you to. You opened the door he was so eagerly knocking on, and waited for him inside. Waiting for him to be ready to take that step again.

_What is it with me that scares them so much? _You smiled to yourself sadly as you stood up to leave.

_No more wishes._


	23. Quit

You quit your job two months after your birthday. You figured you shouldn’t have to stay somewhere you’re not really happy with. Life’s too short to settle and compromise. You moved out of your apartment and into a new city, away from everyone. It took you some time to get used to being alone. It felt like you were given a chance to get to know yourself again.

Yes, starting over was a lot harder than you imagined—new apartment, new workplace, new colleagues, new friends, new habits. No Jae… no Brian… But after some time, you got used to it. After everything, you realized you did become happier. Afterall, solitude is not loneliness.

Before your birthday ended two months ago, Brian did call you again. You could tell he was still at that bar partying with his friends—with his ex-girlfriend (or not?), as his slurred words barely register to you over the loud music in the background. You could only make out a few words like ‘birthday’, ‘why’, ‘Jae’ before you heard a girl, probably Raine, took his phone away. He never called you again after.

The first few days of him ignoring you again was hard. There were a few times you wanted to eat your pride and call him first, but your logic would always lead your broken heart. You shut everyone out, especially Jae. You did to him what Brian is doing to you. You know it’s unfair but you needed some sort of retaliation. Until one day, he broke into your room and dragged you out to church.

“You need to get out. Stop sulking.” He said nonchalantly as he drove out of the church’s parking lot after the mass. You were ignoring him the whole time, sulking at him forcing you to go out. You barely dodged his hug during the _peace be with you _part of the mass.

“Take me home, Jae.” You said, still glaring at him.

“No. We’re going on a road trip.” He replied, eyes fixed on the road. You could tell he’s trying hard not to be mad at you, too.

Your petty self slumped on your seat and propped your feet up to annoy him. You know how much of a clean freak he is when it comes to his car. He just threw you a quick glance and ignored you again. After 15-minute silence, the ride was over as he parked the car in front of the amusement park he first took you to. You sighed as you removed your seatbelt and went out of the car first.

“I don’t really wanna be here right now,” you complained when you felt him beside you.

“Me neither,” he said sharply.

“Then why are we here? You know, I’m not really in the mood for your antics right now.”

“What antics?” he turned to face you, his eyes hurt.

You heaved a sigh as you looked away, refusing to answer.

“I know what happened with him.” He muttered after a while.

You suddenly turned to him, somehow you knew who he meant. “How?”

“Maya.”

“It has nothing to do with you.” You said coldly.

“Really? Why do I feel like it has everything to do with me?” He leaned on his car, watching a crowd of elementary students enter the park. “Why are you taking it out on me?”

You guiltily sat beside him quietly. It as loud and noisy with the crowd and the music from the park, but it was somehow calming. You heard him sigh when he realized you weren’t gonna answer him.

“I clearly told you my intentions last time we were here, didn’t I? I mean, yeah, I still have feelings for you until now, but I respect what you have with him. I admit I was wrong for thinking we could just go back to the way we used to be, as friends, because to be honest, I may have forgotten how to be ‘just friends’ with you.” He chuckled humorlessly.

You looked at him as he continued to people watch, refusing to meet your eyes. “Jae… I’m sorry.” He was right though. It’s been so long since you were ‘just friends’, being borderline platonic was the norm between you.

“I’m sorry if I complicated things between you,” he smiled to himself. “I’ll keep my distance from now on.”

“Jae!” You grabbed his arm to force him to look at you, suddenly panicking at what he’s saying. You can’t lose him too. This time, he did look at you, smiling but his eyes were not. “I’m sorry I took it out on you. It’s not entirely your fault.”

“It’s not. He’s at fault too.”

You didn’t answer. You didn’t really know what to say to that. You didn’t even want to think about him now.

“Have you talked to him?” Jae asked.

You just shook your head in response and smiled to yourself as you stared at the ferris wheel rising above the gates of the amusement park.

“You should. Communication is key.”

“What would I say to him? It’s not like he owes me anything. We’re just friends.”

“Bullshit.” His curse made you turn to him again, his eyes now mad. “I’ve been there, Y/N. We’ve been there. At the very least, an explanation would be nice.”

You scoffed at his reply, “You never really gave me one either.”

“I was a coward.” He spatted, nervously kicking dust with his shoe. “I was too insecure of myself. You… you were up there. You’ve achieved so many things and yet you were still chasing a lot of your dreams. And I was… just… me. I wasn’t sure of myself, I wasn’t sure if I was the right person to hold you—I just knew that I want to. And I knew you were scared too. You’ve built all those walls around you to safeguard yourself. And perhaps, I got tired of breaking them down one by one. Figured you’d be better off without me. I convinced myself that’s what you wanted anyway.”

“Wow.” You shook your head in disbelief. “So that’s what’s wrong with me? Cos I have dreams to chase? Cos I have to put myself first?”

“That’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you. It was on me.”

“Well, it’s all in the past, Jae. I’m just trying to understand why this always happens to me.” you said, suddenly feeling tired.

“Twice is not always, Y/N. And he’s not me. Maybe he has better excuses.” He laughed humorlessly.

He took you home after. You didn’t enter the park anymore because what’s the point? You fiddle with your phone while lying down on your bed, scrolling through your gallery finding one of the few pictures you have of Brian. It was a stolen picture you took the last time you were together in that coffee shop. _Of course, I still miss you._

You gathered your courage and called him, half-wishing he wouldn’t answer. Your heart was beating faster with every ring.

After a few seconds, you felt your heart stop when Brian answered. You heard him clear his throat before talking. “Y/N? What’s up?”

“Hey. Uh. N-nothing. How are you, Bri?” You closed your eyes in embarrassment. _Why is this so awkward?_

“I’m good. Just a bit busy.” He paused. “I’m surprised you called me first…”

“Well… we haven’t talked for a while, and.. uh… I was just worried about you.”

“You missed me?” There it was. His annoying playful tone was back.

“I did.” You answered bravely. He didn’t answer for a while, you thought the line was dead. “Bri?”

“I miss you too.” He suddenly replied. You froze, the pieces of your heart skipping a beat.

“So you’re back together again, huh?” You said cheerily. _Fake._

“What?” He asked, confused.

“I saw your picture on Facebook.”

“Oh. No. Uhm, it was a party of a common friend so she was also there. But, uh…” he trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. “I saw your picture too. You were with Jae that night, weren’t you?” he suddenly changed the topic.

Now it was your turn to be flustered. _I forgot about this. _“It was completely unplanned, Bri. I’m sorry for lying to you. I just didn’t want you to overthink things…”

“I don’t really have the right to overthink things about you, do I?”

“I wanted to give you that right, but I guess you didn’t want it.” You choked, feeling your tears welling up.

“Y/N…” you heard him whisper. You waited for him to tell you more but you felt his hesitation as he fell quiet again.

You blinked your tears away, refusing to cry because of him again. “Anyway, I’m happy for you,” you say before ending the call.


	24. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally reached the present. This was what happened before Chapter 1.

You became happier with your new life—it did take you quite some time to get used it but eventually you proved how time heals all wounds. You realized you didn’t need someone else to make you happy. It may sound cliché but happiness really starts from within—when you choose to be happy.

  
“How have you been?” Haru asked, hugging you. She insisted on coming over to your apartment to see how you’ve been doing, living alone. It’s been months since you’ve last seen her, the last being that concert you went to.

“I’m fine, Haru. Stop overreacting.” They’ve always worried about you since you moved out, complaining why you had to move away from them and all that. Jae even tried to talk you out of it by promising to keep his distance. You couldn’t help but laugh at their exaggerations. You had to promise them over and over again that they’re not gonna lose you.

The first month, you were afraid of going out and spent all your free time alone in your room. But you didn’t really live as a total recluse. Yes, you may have deactivated all your social media accounts and refused every invite to go out, but you still replied to their messages and answered their calls from time to time.

Haru put the cake she brought on the table, setting it up as if it was her kitchen. “If you say so,” she shrugged, slicing the cake and putting it on two plates. She handed you one and went straight to the couch in front of the TV.

“Wow. Such familiarity,” you laughed as you sat on beside her, tasting the icing on the cake.

She laughed at your remark then paused after a while. “But seriously, how are you?”

“I’m better. Come on, I talk to you guys all the time.”

“Oh.” She said, as if suddenly realizing something. “Right, you’ve deactivated all your accounts.”

You looked at her curiously, “Why?”

Haru took out her phone and scrolled for a bit, searching for something to show you. Upon finding it, she handed you her phone and you took it carefully. It was a relationship status update in Facebook from a week ago… of Brian and Raine. You froze. It felt like someone poured you a bucket of ice water. You’ve expected this, but you didn’t expect to feel this way.

_Okay, I haven’t totally moved on._ You gave her back her phone, faking a smile. “It’s not like I didn’t expect that.”

“I know you. You don’t have to fake it with me.” Haru rubbed your arm, trying to comfort you.

You sighed, “I didn’t expect to still feel this way. But it didn’t hurt as much.” You tried to smile again. You weren’t lying though.

“Have you talked to him recently?”

You shook your head. “He still contacts me, but I rarely answer. Maybe the last time was last Christmas?”

“Did he tell you about her?”

“I never really asked.”

“I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better. But I’m just here.” She hugged you again briefly then went back to eating her cake. Typical Haru.

“Thanks, I guess. But for the record, I really am happier now. In other aspects.” You tried to convince her.

“I didn’t say anything,” she laughed, shrugging you off. “Anyway, are you going to our reunion next month?”

You scrunched your nose, hesitating. “I’m kind of not in the mood to see everyone.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Though, Jae told me they’ve already RSVP’d with Pres.”

“They, as in…”

“Yeah. With Wonpil and Dowoon. It’s been so long since I’ve seen those two. I kind of miss them, too.” You laughed, remembering their crazy antics.

“I see,” Haru muttered nonchalantly.

You noticed her change in demeanor when you mentioned Wonpil. You tried to tread carefully but your curiosity got the best of you. “I know this is kind of taboo, but how are you and Wonpil?”

This time, it was her time to fake a laugh, shrugging her shoulders again. “Haven’t really talked to him since we broke up.”

“Are you okay with seeing him again?”

“Of course. It’s been a long time, Y/N. Let bygones be bygones.”

“So you’re going to attend?”

“If you and Maya are going, I just might.” She suddenly turned to you, “But wait, you still talk to Jae?”

You frowned at her reaction, “We’re still friends.”

“So you were also in contact with him the whole time after…” she trailed off.

“Well, we haven’t really seen each other since. But I still talk to him. I mean, I see no reason not to.” Haru nodded, you can see the wheels turning inside her mind. “Stop overthinking it, Haru. Jae’s my best friend too.”

“Okay, okay.” She backed off. “If you say so.”

A week before you’re supposed reunion, you’ve already declined going. You received an earful from Maya when you texted her your decision. She even asked Jae to convince you but your decision has been firm. You weren’t really in the mood to party.

Also, to be honest, the thought of seeing Jae again after a long time somehow scares you. What could have changed (again) between the two of you? It didn’t really feel like you’ve been away all those months cos he’s been constantly messaging you and all. You may have leaned on him during your trying times and you’ve convinced yourself it was still all platonic. But you were scared at how easily you could be proven wrong—like how seeing Brian’s relationship status disproved your belief that you’ve totally moved on. Can you really love two persons at the same time? Rather, can a broken heart still love someone?

Your phone started to receive notifications of a new chatroom being created. It was Brian. He added you and the rest of your _barkada _to the chatroom—Sungjin, Jamie, Kyle, and Mina.

Brian:** Guys!**

Brian:** I have an announcement to make!**

Sungjin:** Wassup, Bri?**

Jamie:** What is this new chatroom again?!**

Brian:** I’m getting married next week… **

You froze upon reading Brian’s message. Married? Next week? This was totally a big blow, especially since you’ve only found out about his new relationship status a few weeks ago. You haven’t really recovered from that yet, as you may have let your friends believe.

Sungjin:** WTF?!**

Kyle:** Yo!**

Mina:** Congrats, Bri! 🤗**

Jamie:** Y/N?**

Jamie:** Is this a prank?**

Brian:** Thanks, guys! No it’s not a prank. xD**

Kyle: **WTF is happening.**

Kyle: **Brian! Congrats, man!**

Sungjin: **Totally unexpected, but whatever.**

Brian: **Let’s have one last get together before I say adieu to my bachelor life!**

Brian: **How does Baguio sound this weekend?**

Kyle: **Totally down for that!**

Sungjin: **Wait, where’s Y/N?**

Jamie:** WTH Brian but G!**

Mina:** I’m free this weekend, too. I miss you guys!**

Brian: **Y/N?**

Kyle: ** you know we can actually see you lurking, Y/N.**

_Shit. _You totally forgot about the read receipts. You have no choice but to react to save face.

Y/N: **Bri! Congrats!**

Brian: **Finally you’re here. 😭**

Jamie: **Where’ve you been?**

Brian: **So this weekend, okay? You don’t have to worry about anything.**

Brian: **Let’s meetup at Sungjin’s.**

Sungjin: **What? No. **

Kyle: **C’mon man. Your place is the most convenient. Lol 🤣🤣🤣**

Brian: **Y/N, you coming right?**

Mina: **Miss you, Y/N! 🥺**

Your heart was beating fast as you pondered on your escape plan. Lesser evil it is. The roller coaster of emotions is making you feel like puking.

Y/N: **Uhm. I’m sorry, Bri. But we have our reunion on Saturday. **

Mina: **Aww. 😕**

Jamie: **Really now?**

Y/N: **I’m part of the committee so I can’t bail on them.**

Brian: **But you’re my best friend… **

Kyle: **Something’s fishy.**

Y/N: **Sorry…**

Y/N: **I’m sure you’d still have fun without me. :)**

Brian: **But Y/N… please? For me?**

Mina: **Please? T_T**

Y/N: **Sorry Bri. Not this time. **

Jamie: **Guys, let’s give Y/N a break. This is your fault, Bri. You could have told us sooner.**

Brian: **Sorry…**

Y/N: **Uh, I really have to go now. Talk soon?**

Jamie: **Sure thing babe. 😘**

Mina: **Y/N and Jamie, please date me soon. I really miss you.**

Y/N: **Deal. Miss you too!**

You switched apps and typed a quick message to Maya, breathing deeply.

**Changed my mind. Count me in on Saturday.**

Another notification came in for a personal message from Brian.

**Y/N, I’ll call you. Please talk to me first.**

You didn’t open his message and turned your phone off before he could call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly appreciate your comments and feedbacks. Thank you for reading and not getting tired of them!! :)
> 
> P.S. The undecided me is doing a quick poll on twitter. Help me out 😭🥺
> 
> PPS. Poll is over. 🤭


	25. Catch Up

“I saw you choking on your drink,” Jae handed you a glass of water as soon as they reached your table, his eyes brimming with laughter.

You took the glass and set it down the table. “I’m fine, Jae.” You stood up and welcomed them in a group hug. Maya was jumping around in excitement.

“I missed you, guys!!!” she squealed excitedly.

“Missed you both!” Dowoon jokingly pat your backs in awkwardness. You were never the hugging type of friends.

“This is so awkward, but yeah.” Wonpil laughed, putting your heads together, still hugging.

You laughed as you looked up to catch your breath. Suddenly, Jae, who was somehow squished right in front of you, met your eyes amidst all the chattering around. “Miss you.” He mouthed, smiling.

You just smiled back nervously. Maya suddenly dragged you out of the group hug and sat back on the couch. The guys also took their seats. You were half-expecting Jae to sit beside you, but he took the one farthest from you. _Right. Distance._

You spent a lot of time catching up with each other’s lives while reminiscing your crazy high school life. Drinks kept on coming with every raise of your hand. The music turned louder, the booming sound was so exciting you can’t help but feel giddy too. You were starting to feel carefree, forgetting your worries and inhibitions. Just exactly what you needed.

“Is Haru coming?” Dowoon suddenly asked, taking a sip of his beer.

“Maybe?” you answered.

“She said she’ll try,” Maya said, shrugging her shoulders.

“I miss that girl. Right, Wonpil?” He had that mocking look on his face.

Wonpil glared at Dowoon but didn’t answer him back. Jae poked Dowoon’s arm as if warning him. You and Maya can’t help but laugh at their reactions.

“I guess some things really don’t change with time, eh?” Maya held her drink up as if proposing a toast which you guys gladly obliged to. “To us!”

“To us!” You answered a bit too enthusiastically, the alcohol starting to take its toll on you. You clinked your glasses before drinking, accidentally meeting Jae’s eyes (again) through your glass, making you drink it (again) the wrong way. You coughed it out, tears welling in your eyes.

Suddenly, Jae was beside you, handing you his handkerchief and the glass of water he offered you earlier. He was gently rubbing your back as he whispered, “Are you okay?”

You softly pushed Jae away, mumbling “I’m okay.” The chattering around you was drowned by your crazy heartbeat. Or did they actually turn quiet?

You can smell alcohol on his breath as he leaned over to ask you to give him space. He gestured to Wonpil to have him move on his previous seat, the rest following him. You scooched over to the couch beside Maya as Jae squeezed himself beside you.

“Jae.” You warned, but his eyes just looked at you innocently.

He seemed not to care as rested his arm behind you. You felt your body turn rigid as you tried to sit up straight so as not to make direct contact with him. It felt weird being that close to him again.

“Let’s dance, Maya!” You heard Dowoon shout to Maya.

“Sure!” She stood up and dragged him to the dance floor, leaving you with Wonpil and Jae.

“I don’t think she’s gonna come, Pil.” You said. He was kind of fidgety while Jae was too relaxed beside you.

Wonpil looked at you, probably surprised you could read his mind. “I-I wasn’t waiting for her.”

“Oh, please, man.” Jae scoffed beside you. “You’re only here because of her.”

You curiously eyed Jae before turning back to Wonpil. “Are you still…?”

Wonpil just shook his head, smirking, as he stood up, “Restroom.” He said before walking away with his drink.

“That was exactly what I was scared of five years ago.” Jae said as soon as he left.

You didn’t answer him, afraid of the words you might say, especially now that you’ve had a bit too much to drink. You stood up and headed to the balcony to get some fresh air to blow away your tipsiness. You leaned over the edge, feeling the soft breeze play with your hair. Jae followed you and leaned beside you, staring at your face. He softly tucked a few strands of your hair that went astray, his finger brushing your cheek a tad longer than necessary.

“How are you?”

You rolled your eyes at his question. “It’s not like we don’t talk every day, Jae.”

“You could always lie to me through the phone.”

You pouted at him, annoyed. He shrugged, sipping on his beer again, waiting for you to talk.

“Fine,” you gave in, avoiding his eyes, “I’m still not that fine.”

“And that’s okay. Take as much time as you need.” He drifted his eyes away from you and stared at the night sky instead.

“Brian’s getting married,” you bravely let out, staring pointlessly afront. “I feel so lost. It hurts...” your voice broke. Speaking it to existence makes the pain irrevocable, like you were asking someone to take away it from you.

Jae kept quiet but his eyes softly turned to you, as if wanting to hold you but afraid that it was not what you needed.

“Do you know that feeling when… you actually believed you’re already okay… and then something would happen… then everything you built by yourself comes crumbling down again… and then you find yourself back at square one...” You laughed sardonically at your pathetic self.

“I do.” He said in all seriousness. “You tried to move on, you believed you’ve moved on, but just one look at that person again, you realize you’ve never really left square one afterall.” You turned to him, staring into his eyes that seemed so sad. “And then you decide to just go with it… fight for it… but you’re already too late,” he continued, “so you just take whatever she could give… be whatever she needs…” He smiled and looked away, drifting his eyes back to the stars.

“Ah, it’s too cold here.” He said loudly, trying to change the atmosphere.

Suddenly, you felt like pouring everything out to him. You felt like bursting with all things unsaid between you. “Why can’t it just be you again?” you whispered softly.

He clenched his jaw as he turned to meet your eyes again, returning your question, “Why can’t it just be me again?”

It was supposed to be a rhetorical question. You felt him take your hand as he waited for your reply. You heaved a deep sigh. “I’m too complicated for you,” you paused, “I’m too complicated for anyone.”

“I’m ready to take that on. All your complications.”

You softly shook your head, “We shouldn’t be doing this to ourselves again.”

“I’m doing this for the both of us,” He held your hand tighter, “You gave him his chance and I stepped back. Now, can it be my turn to be selfish? Give me my chance.”

His offer sounded too tempting—an easy way out. Someone to take your pain away and give you the happiness that you deserve. But it isn’t what he deserves from you. “Tempting, but no. Not yet. It’s unfair.”

“Who cares about fairness? There’s no one here to judge.” He shouted, his voice loudly soars above the party music blasting on the speakers. He suddenly stretched his arms wide. You laughed at his sudden carefree move. His hands fell on your shoulder as he leaned closer to you, eyes turning serious again. “Take me back.”

“You’re drunk, Jae,” you said, pulling away.

“I’m not. You are.” He playfully pinched your cheek. You felt yourself blush, but maybe it’s just the alcohol.

“Yeah, I might not even remember this again tomorrow,” you muttered. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll remind you.” He chuckled softly.


	26. Aftermath

The next morning, you woke up to your alarm’s incessant ringing. With your eyes closed, you sleepily turned and reached for your phone on your side table, but somehow you couldn’t find it.

“Turn it off, Y/N.”

Your eyes suddenly opened wide hearing Jae’s husky morning voice. The first thing you saw was a guitar leaning on the wall across the bed.

_This is not my room. _

Your whole being was suddenly awake with your realization. You moved to sit while roaming your eyes around, expecting to find Jae beside you, but you saw him on the other side of the room, his 6-feet form crouching to fit the couch. Your head buzzed with your sudden movement, your stomach churning with a need to puke. Your alarm was still ringing scandalously so you focused on turning that off first. You finally found your phone inside your bag which was on the floor. You dug your hands in, quickly killing the alarm.

It was only 7AM, and Jae seemed to have drifted back to deep sleep. _How did I even get here?_ You saw a text message from Maya sent at 3:33 AM:

**I know you’d ask why you’re there and this text is to remind you that you insisted on sleeping over at his place. Totally not my fault. HAHA!**

What Maya said barely registered to you. You felt dizzy as you tried to stand up and go to the bathroom. You couldn’t remember most of what happened after you and Jae went back to join the others on the dance floor, and that was at around 12 midnight? There was a 3-hour gap in your memory. What could you have done again?

You reached what you assumed to be the bathroom and closed the door a bit carelessly, causing a loud thud as you ran to the bowl. You heard a quick knock on the door before it opened to reveal Jae’s sleepy figure, his face etched with worry.

“Are you okay?” he stepped closer to you and scooped your hair up, softly rubbing your back with his other hand, as you disgustingly let your gut out. After a few minutes, when you’ve finally calmed down, he led you back to sit on his bed.

“I’ll get you water first.”

You weakly nodded before you lied back down trying to stop your dizziness, tears welling on your eyes. Jae was back in no time, handing you a glass of water. You put the glass on his side table after drinking. “I’m so embarrassed!” you buried your face on his pillow.

You heard him chuckle, “That’s why I told you not to drink too much. Go back to sleep. It’s still too early.”

You looked up when you felt him step away from the bed. He went back to the couch, clearly intending to sleep again.

“That’s too uncomfortable for you,” you muttered under your breath, moving to the edge of his bed.

He eyed you carefully, “I’m trying to be a gentleman here, Y/N.”

You scoffed, “That doesn’t suit you. Just sleep here, Jae. I don’t take too much space.”

His eyes lighted up like a kid’s as he stood up almost too quickly and walked back to his bed. He fluffed the other pillow you didn’t use before lying down and pulling the comforter over him. He closed his eyes, smiling, “Finally.”

“I knew it was all an act.” You laughed weakly, moving to lie down beside him while keeping a careful distance.

“See you later. Don’t puke on me please.” He said sleepily, not even bothering to open his eyes. You slapped his arm before turning to the other side, sleep slowly consuming you.

You fluttered your eyes open when your nose was filled with the scent of something cooking. It smelled like chicken, egg and a whole lot of MSG. The door opened, revealing Jae holding a tray with a bowl of what looked like a chicken-flavored instant noodle soup, a cup of rice and a glass of water on the side.

“’Morning! You’re finally up for real.”

You suddenly felt conscious—you knew how you looked like in the morning, and it’s not really something good. What more when you wake up with a hangover? You stood up and headed to the bathroom, ignoring him as he set the tray on his bedside table. You washed your face a little too harshly, flattened your messy hair, and massaged your forehead a bit, willing your headache to go away. _I look horrible._

“Come on, Y/N. Soup’s getting cold.” You heard Jae say from outside the door.

You dragged your feet out, bravely facing him and acting unbothered, even though you were dying of embarrassment on the inside. You avoided his eyes as you sat on the bed opposite him.

He handed you the bowl of soup, “Eat. That’s good for hangover.”

“Really… but this isn’t good for my kidney.” You muttered, taking a sip of the soup. It felt heavenly on your empty stomach.

“That’s all I can cook. Sorry.” He chuckled.

“Not surprising.” You started to eat heartily, taking a spoonful of rice and dipping it on the soup. “What time is it? Have you eaten?”

“It’s already 1:30 PM. And no, I haven’t. We’re supposed to share that.”

Your spoonful of rice paused midway to your mouth as you looked at him guiltily. “Oh.”

Jae laughed at your reaction. “Nah. I’ve already eaten while you were heavily snoring.” He pushed your hand to continue eating.

“I don’t snore.” You mumbled, focusing on your food again.

“I’ve got proof.” He laughed again when you glared at him. “I guess your hangover is gone now?”

“A bit.” You slowly chewed on your food as you contemplated whether to bring last night up or not.

“How much of it do you remember?” he suddenly asked.

You guiltily looked at him as bits and pieces of last night came to mind. “Just up until we joined the others on the dance floor…”

Jae nodded, smiling a little, as if he was proud of you. But he didn’t say another word and just watched you eat. The silence was overbearing. You felt like something has shifted yet again between the two of you. You remembered your talk last night—there really wasn’t a conclusion to what you talked about. He asked you to give him a chance but you didn’t really agree to that, right? Or did you?

“Did I do something I shouldn’t?” you whispered softly, afraid of hearing his answer.

“What are the things you shouldn’t do?” He asked you back, teasing.

“Jaeeeee.” You whined, suddenly nervous.

“Nothing. You did nothing.” He said, chuckling.

“Why don’t I believe you?” you eyed him doubtfully, frustrated he wasn’t taking this seriously.

“Nothing except for dancing on the stage, singing loudly with the band and all that,” he laughed, remembering the details, “And yeah, you nearly poured beer all over Wonpil.”

“Oh God.” You covered your face in embarrassment. “You should have controlled my drinking!”

“I tried! And you got so mad at me. Maya was so annoyed at you, she wouldn’t take you home.”

“Why didn’t you take me home?”

“Again, I tried. But you insisted on sleeping over here…” he answered.

You put your hands down and reached for the glass of water. “I did?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “You said you didn’t want to be alone last night.”

You gulped your water awkwardly. “I’m sorry.” What else could you really say aside from that?

“Don’t be. You’d always have a home in me.” He smiled, meeting your eyes.

You blinked and avoided his eyes. You bit your lip nervously, “Jae, about last night—"

“Do you wanna go on a quick trip with me?” he cut you off.

“What? Where?” Your forehead creased on his randomness.

“Anywhere. Just a roadtrip. To breathe…”

You didn’t answer as you thought it over, remembering that Brian’s wedding is on Tuesday, two days from now. You wondered if they’re already back from their weekend trip. You turned off all your chat notifications and blocked Brian’s number so he couldn’t call or text you. At least for a few days. It’s too exhausting to pretend you’re okay.

He ruffled your already messy hair, “We both need it.”

You scrunched your nose, pushing his hand off your greasy hair. “Well…” you hesitated, wondering where this is leading to.

“Don’t overthink it. Just one night. We’ll be back tomorrow.” He assured you.

“I don’t think I could skip work tomorrow.” You reasoned. Maybe you should just wallow in your misery alone on your bed for the next two days. No need to drag Jae into this. You can do this alone, right?

“Of course you could. I’d call in sick for you.” He persisted.

Or not. You sighed, giving in. _One last, Jae. Help me one last time. “_Okay, Dad.”

“Babe.”

You froze, your heart skipping a beat, hearing that from him again. You met his eyes with a question.

“Just for this trip?” he smiled hesitantly, afraid of how you’d react. His eyes regarded you with a glimmer of hope and something more.

“Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m aiming to finish this in 30 chaps before I get busy again. 😭
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and for your feedbacks. 🙏🏼 Love you guys! You know who you are. 🥰


	27. Last

“We’re finally here!” You shouted as soon as you entered the resort’s parking lot. It was almost a 2.5-hour ride to the nearest beach. You left the city 3 in the afternoon after you dropped by your apartment to pick up a few things. You were just in time for the sunset—the sky a perfect gradient of pink and orange.

You went out of the car and straight to the hotel reception, eager to check your things in and head out to the beach. You were skipping eagerly to your designated room as Jae prodded behind you, your bags on his broad shoulders.

“Happy?” he asked, dropping the bags on the couch.

You smiled at him as you went to the balcony to watch the sunset. “You know I love beaches and sunsets.”

“Let’s go to the beach then. View’s better there.”

You hesitated for a bit, weighing your options. It was already nice and peaceful in the balcony versus the crowded beach. But the sand and the waves would be perfect against the glorious skies.

“Come on, sun’s going down in a few.” Jae urged, following you on the balcony and dragging you out of the room. As you walked briskly, his hold on you shifted from your arm to your hand. His pace turned slow as well as you neared the shore.

“Wait.” You called to stop him from walking. You tried to pull your hand from him but he tightened his hold instead, his face sulking. You laughed, “I just want to remove my sandals.”

He pulled you closer before he knelt down and guided your hand to his shoulder. He carefully held your foot, and took your sandals off one after the other. You awkwardly shifted your gaze away from him, your hand lying daintily where he left it, feeling your cheeks turn red by how romantic the moment was. _If only the circumstances are different..._

He stood up as soon as he was finished, taking your hand again while holding your sandals on his other hand. He led you to walk along the shore. The fine sand felt warm and relaxing against your bare feet, the waves softly touching them as you took small steps towards the setting sun. The sea breeze was softly blowing against your face, leading a few strands of your hair astray.

“Thanks for bringing me here, Jae.” You said, not taking your eyes off the pink skies.

You felt his eyes on you as he answered, “I told you we needed this.”

You moved to sit on the sand, feet still touching the water. Jae sat beside you quietly, both of you basking in silence under the golden sunset. You looked back on your past year and the changes it has brought you. You just wanted to live simply and work towards your goals slowly but surely. Love was something you didn’t really ask for but is thankful to have come your way. Except for the heartache. _I just want to be okay again._

The sun was already halfway into its descent and it was slowly getting dark when you decided to break the silence.

“Can I still take you back?”

“Hmm?” Jae hummed his response, clearly not paying attention. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

“Last night.” you muttered under your breath, suddenly embarrassed. You felt him turn and look at you while you kept your eyes afront. “I know this is selfish of me, but can I ask you to help me?”

Jae regarded you in silence for a moment before answering. “You don’t really have to ask. I ‘d do anything to see you smile again.”

You forced a smile as you looked at him, trying to make things less awkward.

He laughed, amused at your reaction. “Not that one, babe.”

It was already dark as the sun has completely gone down. The moon now gently lit the place as the crowd slowly dispersed away from the beach. Jae stood up and offered you his hand, which you gladly took.

“I’m hungry.”

After having dinner, you went straight to your hotel room. The exhaustion from last night to the trip that afternoon was finally catching up on you both so you decided to just rest early. Neither of you brought your situation up again. You just enjoyed each other’s company like the old times.

You binge-watched the whole first season of FRIENDS on Netflix as you laid beside each other, snacking on your favorite junkfood which you bought from the nearby convenience store. Jae wanted to drink beer but you were still traumatized from last night so he indulged you with ice cream instead.

It was refreshing to be able to do that again with Jae. You were reminded of how easy it was to be with him, the reason why you got real close in the first place. No worries, no repercussions.

You didn’t know what time you actually fell asleep but you woke up with your arms and legs around him as he laid peacefully on his back. You carefully disentangled yourself from him so as not to wake him up. It was still early but you have to wake him up soon if you want to have a decent breakfast.

You stood up and made coffee before heading to the balcony to bask in the morning sunlight. You weren’t really in the mood to swim but the crowd of people on the beach and the pool somehow entices you. You love to people-watch. It eases your mind cos you didn’t have to think of anything else.

You finished your cup of coffee in no time. You went back inside to take a bath and arrange your things. It’s only an hour before checkout time and Jae still hasn’t woken up. Guess you’d have to miss breakfast then.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Jae asked groggily. You purposely used the hair dryer to dry your hair noisily and wake him up.

“Good morning.” You smirked at him through the mirror.

He stood up and walked towards you and dropped a kiss on the top of your head. “Good morning, babe.” He proceeded to pick his bag up and headed towards the bathroom to get ready, as if he did nothing out of the ordinary.

You were taken aback by his move. _I guess this was what I asked for. _You blankly continued to dry your hair as you waited for him to be ready.

“Let’s go?” he said when he went out after 15 minutes. He got your bag and hung it on his other shoulder before he took your hand, stepping out of the room.

You ate at the hotel’s restaurant before leaving, talking about mundane things again. If Jae could act so naturally as your best friend, he was also the best at being more. You expected it to feel awkward, but it was actually starting to feel comfortable.

You didn’t realize you fell asleep on the ride back home until you felt his hand touch your cheek softly, willing you to wake up. As usual.

“We’re here.” He said, his car already parked in front of your apartment complex.

“Thanks for today, Jae,” you mumbled, sleepily fumbling over your seatbelt.

He smiled and touched your hand to calm you down and help you with it. He quietly removed the seatbelt off you before holding your hand again, as if he had something to say. You looked at him as you waited for him to break his silence.

“I love you.”

You froze, feeling your heart stop beating for a second. You met his eyes, feeling a cold rush on your spine hearing him say those words to your face for the first time in years. It was different from the way he used to throw those words out before… it was different when he said it over the phone before… this time, it was as if he really meant it… like it even hurts him to say it out loud.

You felt a lump on your throat as you find the right words to say. But before you could answer him, he smiled and looked away.

“You don’t have to answer that. I just wanted to let it out one last time.”

_Last? _“What do you mean?”

Jae heaved a deep sigh before replying. “You called him that night.”

Your eyes widened, blinking back tears, surprised at his revelation. Your mouth was agape waiting for him to tell you more. Now your heart was really beating faster than normal.

“Don’t worry, Maya took your phone before you could even say a word.” He smiled, though it really didn’t reach his eyes. “He called you back after that, but I was the one who answered it. I just talked to him for a bit.” His hand reached for your face to smoothen the deepening crease on your forehead.

“W-what did you talk about?” You caught his hand and softly pushed it away from your face, not letting his touch distract you. _I need to focus on the problem at hand._

“What else do we have in common?” he chuckled humorlessly, his eyes suddenly looking through the window behind you.

Your heart beat loudly as you turned to look outside your window, afraid you were assuming correctly.

_Brian._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are we still good? 😭


	28. Listen

The silence that followed was deafening—your thoughts on haywire, your insides felt erratic. Seeing Brian made you grip Jae’s hand tighter, suddenly afraid of whatever’s bound to happen.

“What is this, Jae?” Your voice quivered, eyes drifting back to Jae when you saw Brian making his way to you.

His thumb softly caressed your hand, willing you to let go and face him. “It’s okay.” His voice soothed you. He pushed a button to unlock the door beside you as Brian approached, “At least, just listen to him.”

You panicked, shaking your head and still holding his hand, begging him to not let you go. “Jae...” You knew Brian was just waiting for you to get out.

He smiled reassuringly at you, “It’s okay. I’d still be here tomorrow.” He said, pulling his hand away from you. He pushed another button to lower the window on your side.

You felt the cold air from outside as you tried to calm yourself and breathe normally. Brian’s face peeped in, “Y/N, please?”

You refused to look at Brian and kept your eyes on Jae. He glanced behind you and nodded at him, before looking back at you and whispering, “Go.”

You closed your eyes, clenching your fists on your lap, gathering up your courage to face him again. The door opened, Brian held his hand in front of you. “Please?”

You glared at Jae before you stepped out of the car, ignoring Brian’s hand. He gave way and let you out, but he didn’t step away immediately.

“Thank you,” you heard him say before he closed the door. You walked towards the bench outside your gate and sat nervously.

“One chance, man.” Jae said to Brian before rolling up the window and driving away. As soon as Jae left, he went to sit beside you.

“Why are you here?” you asked him coldly, trying to mask your nervousness. You kept your eyes at the street lights in front of you, still refusing to glance at him, just wanting it to be over. “Aren’t you getting married tomorrow? You shouldn’t be here.”

“I missed you.” he whispered, his voice trembling. Or was it just your imagination?

You scoffed, feeling frustrated, “This again, Bri?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you here?” you asked again.

Silence ensued as he tried to find the right words to say. He breathed deeply, “I’ve always felt… lacking. You know how it is with my parents, and somehow, I guess that clouded my feelings for you. I failed them… I didn’t want to fail you too. You were the only one who believed in me wholeheartedly. I thought I’d be fine even if I fail the exams—I didn’t want it in the first place,” he paused to chuckle humorlessly, “but when it really did happen and all of you passed except me, I felt like a failure. I saw this huge gap between us and I felt like I don’t deserve you.”

You turned to him but he kept his gaze afront as he continued. “I asked for some time and I worked hard to prove something to myself. I was glad I was able to pursue my passion amidst all the disappointments and judgments of people around me. It was hard but I didn’t care about them—I didn’t need them to be proud of me. Only you.” He met your gaze and smiled. “But I guess I really don’t know how to do things right. Because while I ran towards my goals, I felt like I was drifting farther away from you and I couldn’t do anything about it. And every time I see you with Jae, all my insecurities would come rising up to the surface. I started comparing myself to him. And perhaps, I may have convinced myself that you were better off with him. What good could a struggling musician be against an accomplished engineer like him, right? That was my excuse when I gave up and stopped trying.”

Your heart hurts hearing him bare it all out to you. You knew how hard it must have been to keep it in, moreso to let it all out.

“Raine... she came at the most convenient time for me,” he continued. “Her family just came back from the US. Our parents were best of friends. We were childhood friends before we got together, so we somehow drifted back to being that. But she’s pregnant—” he held his hands up in front of you when he saw your eyes widened in shock. “No, it isn’t mine! She got pregnant in the US that’s why they came back here." He smiled when he saw you breathe a sigh of relief. "Her parents talked to mine, and they begged me to save her… by marrying her. We both didn’t want it but she has already resigned herself to doing what her parents wanted, so it was really a losing battle for me to start with. I got tired of resisting, and I thought you were already with Jae, and I guess, I saw it as a chance to make them proud of me? I figured, at least, I’d have that sort of validation from them. Because I’ve already lost that chance with you…”

You kept quiet, not really knowing what to say.

“I know I’ve already hurt you, but I really didn’t want to lose you. I stupidly thought I could still keep you as a friend, hence the groupchat. But Jamie has already knocked some sense on me— physically at that.” He guiltily rubbed his nape. “We didn’t continue our Baguio plans cos I was desperately trying to reach you. And what’s the point? I only did that cos I wanted to talk to you and be with you again. I was so happy when you called me that night, but I couldn’t even hear your voice. I guess Jae told you about that.”

You just shook your head, staring blankly at your hands. You were afraid your tears might fall if you look at him.

“Well, let’s just leave it at that. But he did make me realize a lot of things… how wrong I was… and how wrong I would be… if I do it tomorrow.” He paused and took your hand to force you to look at him. “Let me annoy you again. I’ll leave everything behind if you’d accept me…” This time, you were sure his voice quivered. His eyes glistened with unshed tears as he gazed at you tenderly.

“And if I don’t?” you asked bravely, choking on an imaginary lump on your throat.

He looked down as he gripped your hand tighter, “Please... I... I really don’t want to lose you…”

You shook your head and pulled your hand back. “I can’t make the decision for you, Bri. You can’t just leave me hanging then drag me back when it’s convenient for you.” You were so proud your voice came out strong—a complete opposite of how you felt on the inside.

“You’ve already made your choice, Bri. Maybe you just have to man up.” You stood up and turned your back on him, a tear escaping you which you quickly wiped. He probably didn't see it cos he didn’t really look up when you stood, letting you just leave him there. You moved to enter your apartment, leaving him hunched on the bench. “Good night.”


	29. Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> half-assed, rushed chapter ahead. i'm sorryyyy.

The next day passed by in a blur as you drowned yourself in work, your phone turned off the whole time. Jae’s been trying to reach you since he left you—you were still kind of mad at him for last night, but you did text him back with a quick _‘I’m fine’_ before you shut him (and everyone else) out. At least for today. You refused to hear anything about Brian and his supposed wedding day.

Admittedly, you felt guilty leaving him like that after everything he told you last night. You watched him from your window after you left him outside, and he spent a long time just sitting there alone before finally deciding to leave. It pained you to see him losing that battle with himself, by himself. You wanted to help him, or at least be there for him, but it was clear that it was something he needed to do alone.

It was already 8PM when you got off work, but you didn’t really feel like calling it a day yet. There’s still four hours until the day ends and you didn’t want to spend that alone again with your thoughts.

But to your surprise, you found Jae waiting outside your office building when you stepped out. He was leaning on his car, furiously tapping on his phone, when he suddenly looked up and saw you. His face lit up with a small, guilty smile as he shyly held his arms open as you approached.

“What are you doing here?” you asked as soon as you got close, pushing his arms down. “I’m still mad at you.”

“I couldn’t reach you the whole day,” he sighed.

“I already told you I’m fine.” You rolled your eyes as you leaned on the car beside him.

“You don’t have to lie to me. It’s just me.”

“I’m still mad at you.”

“You needed that.” Jae softly shook his head at your stubbornness, gently ruffling your hair.

“Why are you here? Did you not go to work again? This is too far from you.” You asked trying to change the topic. All these would just remind you of what you were trying to forget.

“Well, I just thought you needed a friend today.” He clicked the lock to his car and opened the door for you.

“You’re still not forgiven.” You said before entering his car.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked as soon as he started the car and drove away.

“No.”

He glanced at you, deciphering your mood. He must have sensed your anxiety despite your cool demeanor so he drove quietly until you’ve reached your apartment. No one moved nor said a word as the car remained parked in front of the gate.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” He muttered, removing his seatbelt and turning to you.

You glanced at him and did the same. “Thank you.”

“I know we must have caught you off guard last night, and you might not have been ready yet for all that, but really, he didn’t have the luxury of time. He—”

“Really now? I gave him all the time that he needed, and he’ll come back just when he thought he’s running out of it?”

“You should have heard him out first,” he patiently answered.

“I did! I never said a word, never interrupted him until he asked me to.” Your pitch slowly increasing in frustration. “And why are you defending him? Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?!”

“Calm down, okay?” he said, sighing, “You know I’d always have your back. I just… I think I saw myself in him? The way I ran away from you before… I just didn’t want you to be wronged the same way… I just want you to be happy.”

“How could you be so sure I’d find that in him? After everything…”

“I’m sure he loves you.”

“What, you’re friends now?” you scoffed, amused to see how the tides have changed. “He hasn’t even told me that, Jae.”

“Maybe he didn’t have to.”

“But maybe I needed to hear that.” You whispered, feeling tired. “I needed conviction. Is that really too much to ask for?”

Jae fell quiet for a while before answering, “It is, for someone already feeling defeated.”

You looked at him wondering what Brian said that made him like this. Jae has always been protective of you, and you know he’d never push you into doing something that would cause you harm. “What did you two really talk about, huh?”

“You. Me. Him.” He smiled. “I think I must have been reminded of how we used to be. But since I’ve already lost that chance with you, I think it made me root for him, cos it felt like I was rooting for myself from way back.”

You shook your head, “Things are definitely not the same as before, Jae.”

“They’re not.” He said simply.

You just stared at him, confused at what he was really trying to say.

“The wedding’s been cancelled early this morning.”

You felt your heart drop at his words, not knowing what to do or how to feel. You avoided Jae’s gaze and stared at your hands on your lap instead. _Where is he now? Is he okay?_

“And he’s leaving to pursue music abroad.”

“What?!” You suddenly turned back to him in surprise.

“At least that’s what he told me this morning.” Jae continued, “He met up with me after your talk. He’s taking things one step at a time now, Y/N.”

“One step at a time,” you whispered, “still away from me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go. i think? i hope.


	30. Finale

_TWO YEARS LATER_

“Yes, I’ll be there, Haru.” You patiently repeated on the phone. You quietly sipped on your coffee while checking your emails on a supposedly lazy Saturday.

“You said the same thing last time but you left me on my own!” Haru whined.

“That was for a work emergency, and I’ve already made it up to you a hundred times. And had I been there, you wouldn’t have seen him again,” you smirked as is she could see you.

“Whatever. Just be on time tonight or I’ll hunt you down!” She warned before dropping the call.

You mentally scanned your to-do lists for today, and hoped to check them all off. Well, after your normal household chores in the morning, you were supposed to have a long nap to recover all your drained energy from last week.

“Let’s just hope I wake up on time.” You muttered to yourself, finishing your cup and putting it on the sink. Before washing the dishes, you set your laptop up with your speaker and blasted your favorite Saturday playlist.

Just then, a familiar melody started playing.

_[Now playing: I Like You]_

You heart knew this song too well ever since you heard it on the radio before. You recognized his voice without a doubt. _Young K._ Your heart would always swell with pride when you would hear his songs or see him perform on TV. You smiled to yourself as his voice started filling the room up. You’ve always known he’d make it if he put his heart into it.

**i’ll see you again. i’m sorry. i love you.**

That was what he texted you before he left two years ago. You tried to call him but you’ve only read his message two hours after he sent it. His phone was already unreachable and his plane must have took off already. You didn’t even know what you were gonna tell him had he answered your call, perhaps you just wanted to hear his voice again? Or you may have wanted to tell him you love him too? It felt like your heart was bursting with all the things you left unsaid.

When he left, you tried to act like you did when you thought you’ve moved on. It was easier this time because he was not just deliberately ignoring you, but was really… gone. He didn’t try to make any contact with you and you didn’t really try reaching out to him.

But it seemed like he was still in contact with Jae because he’d sometimes give you unwarranted info about Brian’s whereabouts—unwarranted but very much appreciated (though you really don’t show it). Like how he’s signed with an entertainment company somewhere, and training to debut in a band and all that.

You did miss him—that much you could admit. But as time goes by, you learned to live with it and go on with your mundane life. Jae has been especially helpful in this aspect, as a friend and more.

Although some sort of camaraderie has somehow been formed between him and Brian, he told you he wasn’t totally giving you up, but was just waiting for you to be totally okay.

“It was a clichéd case of ‘may the best man win’.” He said one time while you were playing Mario Kart on his PS4. “I told myself if it worked out for you two that night, I’d accept whatever. I knew he had the upper hand but now it’s all fair play.”

“Jae, why are you telling me this in the middle of—“ You were on the verge of winning the race but he was inching just right behind you.

“I love you.”

You fumbled on your controls upon hearing him drop those words unceremoniously on you. It’s been months since you last talked about this. He put his controller down after he won with his dirty play. He has this victorious, mocking smirk plastered on his face. He always knew how to catch you off guard.

You throw him your controller, annoyed. “Not fair!”

“Don’t worry. I’m still the loser here. But give me my prize!” He chuckled as he moved to give you a bear hug. He suddenly fell silent, all you can hear was his soft, calm breathing as he nestled your face on his chest. “I meant that. And from now on, I want you to hear that from me every day until you believe you’re worthy of being loved.”

You sighed in his embrace and basked in his warmth, unable to give a reply, as usual. Sometimes you wanted to just give in and finally let you and him happen again, but deep inside you you know it would just be plain wrong. Not until you can think of Bri again without feeling like your heart’s continuously being pricked with a thousand needles.

Later, you found a quiet seat in a corner in the café where you were supposed to meet up with Haru. You were fifteen minutes early and you plan to use this time to do a bit of work.

You felt your phone vibrate inside your bag and saw Jae’s pouting face flashing on your screen. You smiled and answered his call.

“Where are you?” He asked immediately when you picked up. He was currently on a business trip in Hongkong and won’t be back until next week.

“I told you I’d be meeting up with Haru tonight. What are you up to?”

“Missing you.”

You smiled hearing his cute tone he only uses on you. You could imagine his pouty lips and scrunchy forehead. “I miss you too, babe.”

“I just wanted to hear your voice. I love you.”

He ended the call just when you were about to respond. After a year of finally being together, you still haven’t said those words to him. He knows you weren’t ready before, and as time passed, you just somehow got used to that kind of setup.

You sighed as you get back to work while waiting for Haru. Lately, you’ve been wanting to say it back to him, but you felt like he’s blocking your attempts. But it’s true, though. You love him. Still, not again. Because deep inside, you realized you’ve always loved him—just in different intensities at different points in time. It’s something you couldn’t really compare with what you felt for Brian. They were too different, you wonder what confused you before. Jae was your home… and Brian was your… almost?

“How long have you been waiting?” Haru’s voice pulled you back from your thoughts. You looked up at her as she sat on the seat in front of you.

“Long enough to compensate for my ditching you last time.”

She raised an eyebrow at you, “Uh, no. You’re still not forgiven for that.”

“Whatever Haru. Where’s Wonpil?” you teased.

“You’re using that tone on me? Are you a kid?” She rolled her eyes at you, dodging your question.

“So are you two back together now?” you pushed.

Haru glared at you as a warning. “Not yet. Let’s order now.”

“Oookay.” You singsonged, laughing. “I’ll have a cappuccino.”

“I heard Brian’s back and is having a homecoming concert tomorrow night.” Haru suddenly asked.

Your laughter was caught midway as Haru attacked you at your weak spot. _Bullseye._

She leaned back on her seat as she regarded you with all seriousness, “Why aren’t you going?”

“This is why I don’t want to meet you.” You muttered under your breath. “It’s been two years, Haru.”

“So? It’s been eight years for us.” She said matter-of-factly.

“You finally admit it now, huh?”

“Don’t change the topic. You can’t dodge this forever.”

“I love Jae.” You sighed.

“But?”

“No more buts.”

“Then why haven’t you told him that?”

“He wouldn’t let me…” you answered weakly.

“Oh, please, Y/N.” she rolled her eyes in frustration. “Be honest. You’re still waiting for him.”

“But I love Jae…” you repeated, more to yourself than to her.

“We all do.”

You were driving on the way home after spending almost three hours with Haru when Jae called you again.

“Babe, are you home?” he asked.

“Five minutes.”

He was quiet for a few seconds before he talked again. “I’ll miss you…”

“Jae, you literally just told me that three hours ago,” you chuckled, “I miss you too.”

He heaved a deep breath, “I’d be staying here for a year… my boss just offered me a good deal…”

You stepped on your breaks abruptly just a few meters away from your house. “What?!”

“Hey, drive safely!” he reprimanded upon hearing your tires screech.

“Why are you telling me this only now?”

“You’ll know. I’ll call you again soon, alright? Get home safely first.”

You started the car again, mad but worried about what’s happening. “Jae, what’s this?”

“Thank you for letting me love you, Y/N.” he said before ending the call.

“Jae!” You panicked as you tried to call him back, but his phone seemed to be turned off. Your heart was beating out of your chest, confused at what he meant. _He wasn’t leaving me, right? He’ll call me again tomorrow, right?_

“Y/N.”

You froze, hearing that voice again. You were dashing for the gates so you failed to notice his figure seating on that same bench you left him two years ago. You slowly turned to him, your heart fluttering. He was sitting there, looking tired and handsome, holding a guitar on his lap.

“Bri…” you whispered, mouth agape.

“Sit with me?” he smiled carefully.

Your breath hitched as you moved closer to him, as if on a daze. You sat quietly, not really knowing what to say. Now you understood what Jae meant.

“I believe I owe you a private performance.” He said before he started strumming on his guitar. It was a song you haven’t heard from him or anyone else. An unreleased one?

_[Now playing: Cover]_

_(2:40) Because I am weak and lame_

_Will your expectations crumble?_

Your tears started falling again as you listened to the words he sung so painfully.

_I’ve covered it up, but as time passes_

_The coverings have fallen off and ripped_

_It’s over_

You quietly sobbed as you stared at him in silence while he ended the song. He reached out to wipe your tears with his fingers, smiling gently.

“I’m sorry it took me so long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. Finally. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading.
> 
> PS. Epilogue or Alternate Ending? (See twitter poll 🤭)


	31. (Special Chapter) Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALTERNATE ENDING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here’s the alternate ending you voted for. Thank you for choosing Jae. I was dying to make him happy 😭
> 
> If you were already content with the chapter before this (and, *ehem* a solid TeamBri), you may not read this anymore for peace of mind. 🤣🤣🤣
> 
> PS sorry for any mistakes as I just typed this on my phone

“I’m proud of you,” you said, gently leaning your face on his palm as he held your cheeks, wiping your tears away.

“Thank you. That means so much to me.” His voice quivered. 

You smiled before holding his hand, pulling it away from your face. You calmed yourself down, still sniffing every once in a while, him softly staring at you in silence.

“I don’t know what you coming back here means, Bri, but I’m not the same person as I was before. So are you.”

He sighed before drifting his gaze away from you and leaning on his back, smiling to himself. “I kind of expected that. I was just letting myself hope a little.”

“What did you tell Jae?” You asked. Your heart felt hollow remembering his words before he ended his call.  _Thank you for letting me love you._ As if on cue, your eyes welled with tears again thinking how he might have already given you up. 

“Ah. And here I thought those tears are for me...” He moved to wipe your tears again but you shook your head. His hand stopped midway before he dropped it. 

”I did think I was still waiting for you... but seeing you again here... now... all I can think about is Jae and how I must have hurt him again...” You furiously wiped your tears away as you tried to control your sobs.

You saw him clench his jaw before his lips twitched into a humorless smile. “He finally got you...”

You didn’t reply. You both sat in silence as you tried to calm yourself down. Your sobs have quieted down to occasional hitched breaths.

“He didn’t believe I deserve you either.” Brian said after a while. “But he believed you would be happy with me. So he gave you up—not that you were his to begin with, but you know what I mean. Two years ago, I left with a bruised cheek.” He chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood. “I promised him I’d be back for you...”

“I wasn’t yours either...” you said. 

“Ouch.” Brian laughed, clenching his chest. He was smiling but it didn’t really reach his eyes.

So that’s what it was. Maybe he thought he was just taking care of you for Brian, and now that he’s back... Well, it was your fault. Because you doubted your own feelings, you failed to make him see his own value.  _Why are you so selfless? _

“For the record, Bri, I did love you. For so long.”

He nodded, “I know.”

“And I still do. You’re still my best friend. Even though you ghosted me.” You chuckled softly, blinking your tears away.

“I was always checking up on you through Jae.”

“I figured...” you smiled. 

He heaved a deep sigh before putting up a smile again. He stood up and stretched his arms for a bit, his back on you. “Well at least now you have front row tickets to your famous bestfriend’s show tomorrow.”

You laughed as you stood up to hug him from behind. “Be happy, Bri.” You murmured on his back. 

He turned to face you and give you a proper hug. “You too, love.” 

You went to Brian’s—Young K’s show in the front row seat he promised you. You watched in awe, seeing his other persona on stage. He was very charismatic as he plucked on the strings of his guitar.  _Too handsome. _ You could definitely understand why the arena was filled with thousands of screaming fan girls. 

He was singing the last song for the show, when he met your eyes, as if singing the words to you. It was one of his latest releases, Finale.

_So, babe, please be my finale_

You smiled at him amidst all the falling confetti, feeling teary eyed again. He smiled at you, too, before drifting his attention back to the crowd. 

“Thank you so much for coming! Have a safe trip home and be happy!” He shouted to the mic before turning to leave the stage. 

You followed him with your gaze. Before he completely disappeared backstage, he turned back to look at you and mouthed  _be happy_. 

You nodded at him, wiping a single tear that escaped you. Your heart was at ease. _Finally_.

Now, Jae. 

You tapped your foot patiently as you waited for your luggage to come out. Your plane just landed at 5 in the morning and you wondered if Jae’s already up. 

_Maybe I should have just told him._ You didn’t even know where he was staying. You just randomly booked a flight to Hongkong right after Brian’s concert last night. 

You connected your phone to the airport wifi before messaging Jae. 

**Are you up?**

After a few minutes, your phone started ringing with a FaceTime call. _ Okay. Can’t hide now. _

Jae’s face filled your screen. He was on his bed, clearly sleepy. His forehead immediately scrunched upon seeing where you are. 

“Are you at the airport?”

You sheepishly smiled at him, “Pick me up?”

“Wait. Are you here?!” He squinted his eyes to see the screen properly. 

You laughed as you reverted your camera to let him see a clear sign of ‘_Welcome to Hongkong!’_

“But... What the hell are you doing here?! And why did you not tell me?! Like sooner.” His voice was completely devoid of his sleepiness from seconds ago. He apparently left his phone on his bed as he stood up and did something. “Stay there and wait for me, okay?”

You shifted again to the frontcam as you watched him pace back and forth on his room, probably getting ready. “I love you.”

You laughed as you saw him pause on his step, not believing what he heard. _Now, you’re the one caught off guard. _

“I love you, Jae.” You repeated. 

He suddenly picked his phone up, his face back on your screen. Your heart pounded as he looked at you with his hooded eyes, as if trying to see if you were serious. 

“Shit. I won’t be taking a bath now. Be there in fifteen minutes.” He muttered before ending the call. 

You smiled to yourself as you waited for him in the arrivals area, nervously biting on your lip. You stood up and pulled your luggage along. You couldn’t keep still so you decide to walk around instead. 

Even here, you saw posters of Young K everywhere.  _He’s really a star now, huh._ But you couldn’t focus on him, knowing that Jae’s coming any minute now. 

Your phone vibrated with a message from Jae. 

**I’m here.**

**Turn around.**

You felt your heart drop upon reading his message. You turned around and saw him standing a few meters away from you, in his fave red hoodie and a cap to hide his unwashed hair. You laughed at his getup. He was clearly dragged away from bed. 

You walked briskly towards him, almost running, pulling your luggage behind you. He smiled as he opened his arms wide, welcoming you. 

A few more steps and you finally reached him and fell to his embrace. You buried your face on his chest, tears staining his clothes. He held you close as he put his chin above your head. _Home._

You sniffed when you felt him softly kiss the topof your head as he hugged you tighter. You laughed and pulled away to face him when you heard him sniff too.

“Why are you crying?” You teased. 

“Why are you crying?” He repeated as he rubbed his eyes. “Come here.” He pulled you back to hug you again. 

“I love you,” you murmured on his chest. 

“Ah. My heart flutters.” He chuckled as he crouched to bury his face on your neck. “I love you, babe.” You shivered when you felt his warm breath on your skin. 

You pulled away again to calm your heart down. But it just started crazily beating again when he gently held your face and kissed you on the forehead, before dropping a peck on your lips.

“Let’s go home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ChooseJae


	32. (Another Special Chapter) Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who read, supported, and appreciated this story. Merry Christmas!

“This is your fault.”

You helplessly stared at the pink train that just left. You just missed the perfect train to catch the sunset in Disneyland. It was a spur of the moment decision to go on your last night in Hongkong. You were bound to go home after spending two blissful weeks with Jae, and he’s coming home with you to spend the Christmas holidays together. 

“Why is it my fault?” Jae asked you cluelessly, scratching his nape. 

“You were too slow,” you spatted, thumping back to the seats in the convenience store nearby. 

He sighed as he sat beside you. “We have sunsets everyday anyway.”

You glared at Jae but didn’t say a word. 

“But of course, sunset at Disneyland would have been the best.” He added jokingly. 

“Not funny.”

Nearby, a little girl started whining and crying to her mother. Jae suddenly laughed, “Why are you throwing tantrums like a kid? Never knew you were a fan of Disneyland.”

“I’m not.” You said, offended. You didn’t really feel like explaining especially since you were already frustrated. You didn’t want to start a fight on your last night in Hongkong.

“It’s okay. I’m sure we could still catch the sunset with the next train.” You felt Jae softly playing with the strands of your hair, his arm resting on the table behind you. “If our future baby girl would throw tantrums just like you, I just might die of cuteness and give her whatever she wants,” he murmured with a smile.

You felt yourself blush hearing him talk about it. “You’re gonna raise a spoiled brat,” you smiled.

Your heart would always flutter at the thought of spending your future with him. You spent a long time doubting everything, but now you finally feel calm and at peace thinking about your years ahead with him. Jae seemed so sure, too. 

The station signaled the arrival of the next train in two minutes. You immediately stood up to walk towards the boarding area but Jae caught your hand and stopped you. You turned back at him, still seated leisurely.

“Come on now. We can’t miss this again.” You tried to pull him up to which he obliged lazily. 

He stepped closer to you and pulled you in for a kiss. “We have lots of sunsets ahead of us. There’s no rush, babe.”

***

Upon reaching the theme park, your heart immediately ached with all your childhood memories you never knew you missed. It was the golden hour, the skies bathed the whole place in a glorious shade of orange.

“Disneyland is too cliche.” You heard Jae say as you walked past mascots of various Disney characters. There were a lot of people on the streets and he was holding your hand tightly, afraid to lose you in the crowd. 

“Why are you such a ball of negativity?” Your mood has already improved upon reaching the park, but now he’s the one acting up. 

“I never liked amusement parks,” he pouted, biting on his turkey leg. He looked so cute wearing that cute bunny ear headband you bought him. Now he’s the one looking like a child throwing tantrums. 

“But we’ve been to an amusement park before? You never complained.” 

“I did that for you. And I was trying to gain some points so I couldn’t show you my bad side yet.” He laughed. 

“You’re such a faker!” You glared at him, but he gave you a bite of his food instead. 

“Only for that part, babe. Everything else is true. Besides, you didn’t really see my efforts back then because your head was filled with Brian.” He smiled before focusing on his food again, as if he didn’t just say something kind of heavy. At least for you. 

You turned silent as you chewed on your food and continued walking. You never really talked about what happened before you went here. You never really talked about Brian. To your defense, he didn’t really ask. Maybe Bri has told him already?

“Have you talked to him?” You asked quietly.

“Of course.” 

You turned to him, surprised. “Really?!”

He laughed at your reaction before pulling you closer. “We’re close like this.” He gestured his index fingers together.

“What did he say?”

“It’s confidential. Bro code.” He jokingly thumped his chest with his fist. 

You shook your head, smiling. This friendship between them is something you couldn’t really wrap your head around on. Not unless you actually see them together. 

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what happened?”

“This is enough for me.” He shook his head and you felt his grip on your hand tighten. “And I know you’d tell me anyway when you’re ready.” 

You stopped walking and pulled him to sit on a bench near the castles. The sun has already set and the park is now filled prettily with Christmas lights and decorations. Christmas tunes are also played everywhere and it’s making your heart full.

“That day I accepted you a year ago, I know I wasn’t ready. I know you knew I wasn’t ready. But we just jumped head on. Most times, I doubted... even regretted... making that decision. Because it was really selfish of me and unfair to you. I’m just so grateful you never gave up on me.”

“And I’m grateful you didn’t give me up as well.” He gently brushed his fingers on your cheek, and tucked a few strands of your hair behind your ear. 

“Oh, wait. You did try to give me up again when Bri came back.”

He scoffed as he turned away from you, leaning back on his seat. “I just wanted you to make a decision without me holding you back. I can sense your feelings and doubts even if you don’t talk about it. Besides, I’m in for whatever—or whoever would make you happy...”

You stared at him disbelievingly, “You know, sometimes I couldn’t believe that you were that same person who put a broom in my backpack way back highschool.” 

You both laughed heartily remembering your high school days.

“I guess love really changes people.” He murmured after a while. 

“Your love changed me.” You said truthfully, looking at him in the eye. 

“Stop it. You’re making my heart flutter.” He laughed as he pulled you in for a hug.

“You’re such a girl.” You teased.

“Only to you. Bear with me cos I’ve waited for this for so long.”

“Merry Christmas, babe.”

“I love you.” You felt him kiss the top of your head as you softly sighed in his chest, feeling content.

“I’m still waiting for that song you said you’re writing for me.”

“I’ll have Brian check it first! I know your standards are really high.” Jae laughed.

“Really, huh?” You raised a brow at him. “Does it even have a title?”

“About Now.”

“About what?”

“That’s the title.” He laughed then hummed a few notes to an unfamiliar sweet song. 

_I often worry about your day without me _

_Are you spaced out like me, too, like a loose screw... _

“A loose screw, huh?” You smiled. 

“I’ll have Bri check that part,” he said, shyly.

“I love it. I love you.” You reached out to him to kiss his cheek. 

“My Christmas wish came true after all. And you said we’re too old for that.”


	33. (Okay, Another Special Chapter) About Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cos how could i not after Jae went live on IG looking like that?! 😭
> 
> At this rate, this may never ever be finished then hahahahaha should i just make a series for all these drabbles? lol 🤣🤣🤣

“I knew it!” 

Your heart leaped upon hearing his morning voice as soon as you answered his FaceTime call. He clearly just woke up, still lying on his bed on his white shirt and pajamas. His eyes were still sleepily half-open but his energy seemed to be hitting the roof already. 

“What?” You asked curiously as you sipped on your morning coffee. You were doing some finishing touches on your presentation later in the afternoon. 

“Exactly as I imagined...”

“What?” You repeated. 

“You slept on that again,” he smirked, “You miss me that much huh?” His eyebrows twitched as he teased you cockily. 

You looked down on the sweater you were wearing. It was the gray Disneyland sweater you bought for him months ago when he got wet in that water ride you forgot the name of. When the ride went down on the water, he stupidly tried to cover you with his body, getting him drenched with water. 

“Chivalry is not dead!” He shouted, laughing, as he tried to squeeze the water out of his shirt. To no avail, of course.

Your conscience couldn’t bear it (and you secretly wanted him to wear Mickey Mouse) so you bought him a cute Disneyland sweater. He said he wasn’t happy with the print in front so he walked closely behind you all throughout the rest of the day. Or maybe it was just an excuse so he could freely hug you from the back whenever you stood too long in the lines?

He wore it again the next day when he dropped you off at the airport ‘ _bec it’s pretty comfy __’_. But he ended up giving it to you, albeit involuntarily, that same night because you left your jacket at his flat and he knows how you easily get cold. Now he’d always look for it whenever he calls you.

“It’s actually pretty comfy,” you mocked. 

“Buy me a new one when we go back.”

“I thought you don’t like Disneyland, huh?” you teased. 

“Just to buy that sweater,” he said defensively. 

“Just say you like Mickey and go,” you smirked.

“Huh! Just say you miss me and go.” He teased you back, holding back his giggles. 

“I miss you.”

He choked on his laughter as he rolled back to his bed, hiding his face from view for a few seconds. “Damn, I can never get used to this.” You heard him mutter under his breath, making you chuckle a little. 

“Why are you not preparing for work yet?”

He turned his head to face you. “I feel so lazy today. Can we just spend the day like this?” 

You scrunched your nose in disagreement. “Nah. I have a presentation later.”

“Go home early. You shouldn’t always be doing overtime.”

"Yes, Dad.” You rolled your eyes at him. 

“Babe,” He warned, suddenly turning serious. 

You laughed, “Yes, babe.”

His mood suddenly lifted up again as he proceeded to tell you about his dream last night. He usually gets too chatty in the morning when he talks about his dreams. You just listened to his chatter, smiling and laughing along with him, as you got on with your work. Listening to him talk has always been calming. 

“Pretty deep, huh? I told you I’m a deep person.” He said as soon as he finished his story and laid down his theories as to what his dreams could mean. 

You laughed at his claims. “Of course, you are.”

“Anywaaay, I know you’ve got some more things to do to prep, so I’ll just leave you to it first. I’ll call you again tonight, okay?”

You nodded. “Yes, please.”

“Love you. Buh-bye!” He saluted as he ended the call.

***

You got off work early, as promised, and waited for him to call again. But it was already 11PM, you’ve already finished a movie on Netflix, your popcorn’s gone, and still no sign of him. You typed in a quick message to let him know you’re already available. 

**U home already?**

The message was immediately ‘seen’ but he didn’t reply even after a few minutes.  _Weird. Is he busy?_

**I’m sleepy. I’ll call you tomorrow, ‘kay?**

You playfully zipped up the hoodie you’re wearing (one of his again), and sent him a selfie as you laughed at yourself. Just then, his chain of replies came in. 

**U done with ur routines?**

**Have u removed ur makeup?**

**What popcorn flavor were u eatin?**

**Did u finish it all before the movie ended?**

**I know ur presentation went well. Proud of u always. :***

**Nothing stressful today?**

**Sleep on my jacket so I can hug you. :)**

You couldn’t help but laugh at his messages, but instead of replying, you called him instead. A few rings and his face filled your screen. Apparently, he’s still not home.

“Yo.” He said loudly over the screeching tires and honking horns on the streets. 

“Why are you not home yet?”

“I’ll be in a few,” he smiled as he continued walking cautiously. “I’ll call you again later. This is kind of dangerous for my phone.” He laughed as he ended the call. 

You looked at your phone quizzically.  _Odd. _You went back to your couch as you typed a message to him again. Just then, your doorbell rang. Unless it’s a late night delivery, there’s no one else who’d come at this hour. 

_It can’t be._ Your heart started beating nervously as you approached the door. Your thoughts were on haywire as you tried to lower your expectations.  _It couldn’t be him. _

You opened the door slowly but was immediately met with a warm hug and a soft giggle. He swayed you side to side as he kept your head in his chest.

“I told you you shouldn’t open the door just like that. Especially on the wee hours.” He berated you softly. 

Your arms immediately wrapped around him, pulling him impossibly closer. It’s been so long since. “You’re here.” You murmured.

“Surprise surprise.” He chuckled, rubbing your back softly as he tried to pull away. But you refused to let him go. “You missed me this much, huh?”

You nodded against his chest. You felt him pull you closer as he softly kissed the top of your head.

“I missed you, too, babe,” he whispered against your ear. 

You refused to let him go even as he stepped inside your unit and closed the door. He paced around your room, pulling his luggage in, still hugging you.

“Okay, are we gonna stay like this?” He chuckled as he walked you to your couch. You didn’t answer and just clung on to him, afraid your tears might come if you finally face him. He sat you down but kept his arms around you. 

“Babe, I have to get my guitar.” He laughed as he softly ran his fingers through your hair. 

“Why?” You whined, still keeping your face burrowed on his chest.

He cleared his throat and looked at his wristwatch. “About...” he paused as if counting... “Now.” He said as soon as the clock turned 12.

He leaned his face closer to yours, but you refused to look up so he kissed your forehead instead. “Happy birthday!” 

You suddenly looked up at him, forehead scrunched, “Is it?”

He laughed as he jokingly wiped your face with his hand. “What is it with you and your birthday?!” 

“Figures.”

He rolled his eyes at your nonchalant expression as he reached for his guitar with his free arm. 

“I’m here to sing you your song. Got this all planned out.”

  
You couldn’t help but laugh at his efforts. “Do it tomorrow. You just being here is enough for now,” you said as you hugged him again. 

“Noooo. We prepped for this all week!” He got his guitar and playfully pushed you away. 

“We?”

He nodded as he started tuning his instrument. “Brian says hi,” he glanced at you briefly before putting his attention back to his guitar. His mouth moved incoherently as if remembering the words to his song. 

“Babe.” You grabbed his guitar and put it away from him. “Do it tomorrow.”

“But—“

“Birthday wish?” You cut him off with your best version of puppy eyes. 

He heaved a deep sigh before pulling you back to his arms. “You’re using that against me now, huh?”

You chuckled, “Thank you for coming home.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve reached the end and kinda still want more, you can check out Barely (it’s supposed to be a sequel 😅) 
> 
> Thank you for reading this one! ☺️


	34. (Special Chapter) Landed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's Almost's birthday yesterday and I guess I was feeling sentimental. 🥺  
plus those live perfs of WTSS just hit hard. 😭
> 
> PS. this is written in Brian’s POV.
> 
> PPS. timeline supposedly is after Chapter 16 of Barely, but can be read (i think) as it is. I’m sorry for any confusion in the ‘chapter-ing’ but I feel like this Brian chapter is best suited here.

Brian kept his eyes closed as he felt the plane slowly touch the ground, the captain announcing their safe landing. Clacks of seatbelts being unfastened can be heard over the buzzing of the plane’s engine as people started to rustle on their seats. He sighed as he finally decided to open his eyes, taking in the scenery on his window. He’s finally home after a long, long time.

_Home for all the right reasons that somehow feel wrong._

As soon as he turned on his phone, he was bombarded with messages—mainly from his manager asking if he’s arrived safely without a hitch. He unconsciously tipped his cap further down to hide his face as he stealthily walked out of the airport without anyone noticing him. It’s been harder to be in public places especially these days when his song just hit number one in the charts and has started to gain more attention worldwide. Of course, back home he’d be treated like a superstar.

**Have you landed?**

**We’re here at Gate 7.**

Her texts came in just as he stepped out of the exit to Gate 9.

_Wrong exit. I can still back out. _He thought as his feet somehow lead him to walk towards where she was... or rather, where they were.

Even now, he still wonders why he agreed to this. What kind of masochist would want to attend his dream’s wedding? Much more sing on her wedding day? But maybe he was just hoping that this time, seeing her at the peak of happiness with someone she deserves, would push him to finally let go.

All those years he made up all sorts of excuses to not see her, except that one time when he thought he finally had a chance. Again. But reality came knocking as soon as he started dreaming.

A car suddenly beeped to break him out of his reverie. He saw her happily waving, her body half out the window.

“There’s the superstar!” She shouted, gaining a few curious glances from the crowd nearby.

“Sshh!” He laughed as he hastily opened the door and slid himself to the backseat, slapping Jae’s shoulder. “Yo.”

“Welcome back, Bribri!” Jae laughed as he started the car and drove off.

“How was your flight?” She asked, turning her head back to face him. She still looked fucking dazing, his heart would always ache for her.

“Fine.” Brian shrugged amidst his inner turmoil as he leaned back to rest. “How are you two?”

“Good.”

“Stressed.”

They said at the same time. She laughed and gave Jae a playful nudge. “We’re stressed. But it will be over tomorrow, so..” she gave you the brightest smile. “Really. Thank you for taking time for us, Bri. It really means a lot to me.”

He stared straight at her eyes and whispered with a small smile, “Of course.”

She grinned back at him making his heart flutter yet again, before facing the front. Brian fell silent as he listened to their excited banters about the wedding, trying hard to tune out his jealousy.

“Rest for now, Bri. We need you in topnotch state tomorrow.” Jae said as he caught him dozing off through the rearview mirror.

“‘Man, you should be thankful you can afford me.”

Jae chuckled, “I’ll spend all my life savings just to have ‘the Young K’ on our wedding day.”

He snorted as he glimpsed his hand take hers as he maneuvered the car with his other hand. He tipped his cap down again to sleep instead, but just as he was about to close his eyes, he saw how they exchanged playful glances and snickered over an inside joke he probably would never get.

He smiled bitterly to himself— they seemed happy. She seemed happy. At least it was all worthit.

***

“I thought you’re singing today,” Sungjin asked him when he sat down next to him. The church was already filled with both strangers and familiar faces trying hard to catch up with each other.

“Nah. Tonight. Can’t have the superstar sing this early,” Brian joked. He was actually really nervous—the day he dreaded has finally come.

“Get over it, bro.” Sungjin laughed. He was about to retort when a piano melody started playing, the large doors at the end of the aisle opening up.

As soon as the first notes of La Vie En Rose filled the air, she started marching down the aisle as the crowd collectively gasped in awe. The lights perfectly illuminated her in all the right places, making her shine the brightest, as she should.

_She looked even more perfect in that white dress. _He thought to himself as he drifted his gaze away from her and focusing straight ahead instead.

He found Jae, choking back his tears, as he hid it away in a tender smile. He stared at her, stepping ever so slowly towards him, as if they have all the time in the world.. as if they were the only ones that matter.

Brian felt Sungjin’s hand softly tapping his shoulder and he couldn’t help but scoff as he blinked away whatever’s caught in his eye. He didn’t realize he was clenching his fists on his side.He heaved a deep sigh and collected himself together, letting go of his tension, as he watched Jae finally took her hand, definitely holding it forever.

He might have dozed off as he focused on numbing that tiny ache within him. He looked perfectly fine on the outside but Sungjin kept on tapping his shoulder every now and then. As if he knows.

“Finally. We’re here. Who would have thought, huh?” Jae nervously started off his vow. The crowd laughed with him, bringing Brian back to reality. “I have written and memorized a very long vow for you today, babe. But as soon as I saw you walking towards me, it just vanished into thin air.” He chuckled again and paused and just stared at her as if he was breathing her in, “I’m here. I’d always be here. For as long as you’d have me. And I’ll never let you not have me. Welcome to the rest of my life.”

She laughed as he slid the ring on her finger, wiping the tears that might have escaped his brave front as she tried to stop her own.

“Thank you. For always being here. For never giving up on me from the pettiest fights to the toughest times. Thank you for choosing me.. for loving me. From making me smile to making me cry with happiness. This time, I promise I’ll do the same. Through all the buts and what-ifs, I’ll be here.” Her voice cracked in that last sentence, as Jae excitedly put his hand up begging for the ring to finally be on his finger as well. He smiled and mouthed an ‘I love you, too’ as she shakily held his hand and slid the band on his finger.

_It’s over. _

***

“And now, finally we’d have a world-famous star sing for the couple’s first dance! Applause for Young K!”

The crowd cheered as Brian nervously stood up and headed for the stage, all eyes on him as he picked up his guitar. It was something he’s supposed to already be used to—performing in front of a crowd. But this time felt like it was his make-or-break performance.. as if his life laid on it. He cleared his throat catching her gleaming eyes, fingers entwined with Jae’s.

“Congratulations to the newly-weds! Cheers to forever!” He smiled at them before he started strumming on his guitar.

_(*Where The Sea Sleeps)_

_Pull through this oncoming stormy seas_

_Even in the darkest hours hold on to my hand_

He watched as Jae slowly pulled her to the center of the dance floor, twirling her a bit until she landed on his chest. Her hands on his nape as he wrapped her waist in his arms, Jae dropped a soft kiss on her bare shoulder as he slowly swayed themselves to Brian’s smooth gentle voice.

_If only you’re here with me_

_Whatever day we meet_

_However the waves_

_I’ll hold on_

They were smiling, staring at each other’s eyes, whispering sweet nothings to each other, completely oblivious of the way his heart was slowly breaking yet again. But somehow, it was that kind of hurt that he knows would set him free. _Suck it up, Brian, _he thought.

_Want you to stay with me_

_Don’t leave me_

_Until the rainstorm ends_

_Stay with me_

_Don’t let go of my hand_

_When the serene morning comes_

_It will feel like a dream_

It was just a few minutes but it felt like it was his longest performance ever. As the song neared its end, he poured his heart out to every note, hoping that this would be all that there is to it. That this would be the last. He stared at her, happily nestled in his arms, every word he wanted to say masked in every word he sings. He closed his eyes for a bit as he ended.

_Please stand by my side, I want to be with you_

_To the place where the sea sleeps_

Applause filled the air as soon as the last note dropped, Brian opened his eyes, sighing upon realizing it still automatically searches for her. Just then, she looked up and caught his eye, giving him the warmest smile before she mouthed a ‘thank you’.

And just like that, he landed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you! ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> lemme know what you think 🤗
> 
> twitter.com/__peaj


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